Feeling like I’m second guessing myself tonight

I’m drained, I’m tired, I should be sleeping but my mind is in overload. Today’s been a good day. Mixed with sadness and confusion. Maybe its just the past few months finally catching up with me. Maybe its because I’ve been busy with school. We had our first two nights of live productions, part of my course is that we run the restaurant open to the public. It was intense, but amazing. Last night I realised I’d not being anxious or nervous. I know why. Because for the first time I walked in and realised I was home. Crazy right. I felt like I’d finally cound the career I have searched my life for. I felt confident. It felt right. Hearing such positive feedback from customers and tutors. We all did well despite kitchen hickups. I learnt so much. I arrived home to my hubby. He’d taken care of the kids while I was at school. Checking on my babies. I was happy knowing I had my 3 favourite people there with me. It felt so natural and normal.

But getting home tonight reality kicked in. My son greeted me happy I was home, after his first evening by himself at home. He’d been nervous, but relaxed straight away. My girl is away for the night my best mate looking after her since class finished so late. And my sailor not home. I can’t text him goodnight because she left his phone here and I need to drop it to him in the morning. Tonight feels wrong. I wondered around cleaning up, distracted by my reality. Plus I have my first major assessment for class. Even ones been positive for me and supporting me. I love that. But im also scared 3 dishes and 3 sauces in 3 hours. I have to complete my work plan to even enter the assessment and I’m thing myself up in knots. I’m frustrated in myself for letting the fear get to me. 

Then in the morning I have my therapy with the lady from mental health family support agency. She’s awesome. Uplifting and straight up. I can open up and talk to her. Hard though cause she for the last few weeks has pushed me to place I just don’t want to deal with. I have to but it brings the raw emotions to the surface that I just want to bury. She’s referred me to another counciling service she thinks will help but means I have to bring up so much for them to actually help me. I know in the long run it’s what I need so I can work though everything. But it means talking to people about tough things and I don’t know where to begin. I don’t want to upset those I’m close with by voicing what’s in my head. I am talking but something’s are so difficult and I don’t want to say anything and have it come out wrong. I wish others would bring up the tough things so I do t have to.  I really wish I could just bury my head in the sand and ignoring the hard things so I can focus on what I choose. I was triggered today. Something that was positive but also angered and upset me. I’m over everything being a double edged sword. I want answers that I’ll never receive. I don’t know how to get closure without them. 

Well time to stop bleating on and being poor me. I think mindfulness meditation is called for so I can sleep and start again fresh tomorrow hopefully with a more positive outlook


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