Writing helped

Last night releasing my thoughts calmed me a little. One bonus about being so busy is I’m finally sleeping bit better. I woke today thinking about a conversation with my sailor. He’s one that doesn’t remember his dreams. But one he did. We we’re both in it looking at land. In life we are working so hard towards our future. To buy land, build. Extending Hubby’s gardening business. Me studying, to finally be qualified as a chef. To open my own container cafe. To teach the kids. Things like his dream just push me in the right direction. Despite everything the hardships things are coming together. I look at my husband and know without a doubt I made the right choice to keep fighting for us. I wish it hadn’t happened but the past few month seeing us coming together stronger makes it worth it. I still have questions. But seeing the bonds grow is magic. Its like him n my boy have a stronger bond now then  Before. I have a confidence with our relationship and family unit that I didn’t have before. Its made me strong as a women and in turn as a wife and mother. 

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So much fear

My life has been crazy busy. So much good is happening I’ll update soon. But there’s something I feel dragging me down. I went for my check up with the specialist, after my scare when a doctor found I had a breast lump. Turns out was a cyst. So going to this appointment I didn’t think to take anyone. I thought it would be a straight forward follow up. But found out some troubling things. I had another exam and they found  tissue changes. Don’t know how to explain it. All I remember is the doc say 75% breast density, tissue changes, pre cancer. Biopsy and ultra sound to find out if its cancer. 100% not a cyst, family history, mum had breast cancer, genes testing. 32 years old. I left and rung my husband straight away. He was brilliant. I had to go to work but went to get him straight after. Spoke to my mum. Told my best mate. Hid it from my kids. 

What gets me the most is the look, the change in tone. Everyone has done this, the doc, hubby, mum, my tutor who I had to tell as I’ll not be able to work in the kitchen. No one can tell me its all going to be ok and I desperately need to hear that. Even tho I know until the biopsy on Monday n results no one knows. Everyone of the small amount of people who know are being incredibly supportive. They telling me no matter the results I’ll be ok. Last time everyone was more positive , saying it was likely a cyst. Now none is saying it. My mum has said its a nightmare. I dont want to put her through this stress shes still dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer. My bestmates had tears and freaked out over it, my therapist who’s usually so quick to build me up was lost for words. My darling man has been there for me every step. He’s away for work but busing back Monday and fingers crossed his bus will arrive on time so he can meet me afterwards. I dont want to put him through this. I just got him back. He’s doing so well, we’re a unit again. I wanted things calmer for him, I don’t want to put him through extra hard times. I’m grateful he’s not seeing my tears ATM. 

This time what ever is in me is different. The specialist said he wanted me seen within a month. The referral was sent and then return to the dhb for consideration. It was a long weekend and I was rung with the appointment time. 2 and a half weeks from being seen. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful, but I scared of why I’m being pushed through so quickly. Not normal to my knowledge. 

I was in denial. Now I can’t get back to denial. I want to until I have to face the tests. My guts saying prepare. My hearts breaking and my mind is desperately trying to be positive. Everyone’s reactions furthers my fear that I maybe facing cancer. Even if its not. The doctor has said this is the begfining of regularly testing for the rest of my life. 

Why should I be facing a real cancer scare at my age. I’m just getting my shit together, my career, my marriage, my kids, our lives. Why now. Why not when I’m 70 and lived a long life. Why did I waste so much time. I’m scared beyond belief. I can’t run from this nor hide. Icant run from myself. I can’t protect the people I love most in this world. I want to go into do the tests on my own. My mum will take care of my kids. Hubby will meet me after. No one seems to understand why I need to go in by myself. If I here those words you have cancer I need to do it on my own. So I can pull myself together and support those supporting me. I can’t explain the need for this. I get people don’t want me alone. But its so out of control this is the one thing I can control. I need that. And I need not to have cancer