So much fear

My life has been crazy busy. So much good is happening I’ll update soon. But there’s something I feel dragging me down. I went for my check up with the specialist, after my scare when a doctor found I had a breast lump. Turns out was a cyst. So going to this appointment I didn’t think to take anyone. I thought it would be a straight forward follow up. But found out some troubling things. I had another exam and they found  tissue changes. Don’t know how to explain it. All I remember is the doc say 75% breast density, tissue changes, pre cancer. Biopsy and ultra sound to find out if its cancer. 100% not a cyst, family history, mum had breast cancer, genes testing. 32 years old. I left and rung my husband straight away. He was brilliant. I had to go to work but went to get him straight after. Spoke to my mum. Told my best mate. Hid it from my kids. 

What gets me the most is the look, the change in tone. Everyone has done this, the doc, hubby, mum, my tutor who I had to tell as I’ll not be able to work in the kitchen. No one can tell me its all going to be ok and I desperately need to hear that. Even tho I know until the biopsy on Monday n results no one knows. Everyone of the small amount of people who know are being incredibly supportive. They telling me no matter the results I’ll be ok. Last time everyone was more positive , saying it was likely a cyst. Now none is saying it. My mum has said its a nightmare. I dont want to put her through this stress shes still dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer. My bestmates had tears and freaked out over it, my therapist who’s usually so quick to build me up was lost for words. My darling man has been there for me every step. He’s away for work but busing back Monday and fingers crossed his bus will arrive on time so he can meet me afterwards. I dont want to put him through this. I just got him back. He’s doing so well, we’re a unit again. I wanted things calmer for him, I don’t want to put him through extra hard times. I’m grateful he’s not seeing my tears ATM. 

This time what ever is in me is different. The specialist said he wanted me seen within a month. The referral was sent and then return to the dhb for consideration. It was a long weekend and I was rung with the appointment time. 2 and a half weeks from being seen. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful, but I scared of why I’m being pushed through so quickly. Not normal to my knowledge. 

I was in denial. Now I can’t get back to denial. I want to until I have to face the tests. My guts saying prepare. My hearts breaking and my mind is desperately trying to be positive. Everyone’s reactions furthers my fear that I maybe facing cancer. Even if its not. The doctor has said this is the begfining of regularly testing for the rest of my life. 

Why should I be facing a real cancer scare at my age. I’m just getting my shit together, my career, my marriage, my kids, our lives. Why now. Why not when I’m 70 and lived a long life. Why did I waste so much time. I’m scared beyond belief. I can’t run from this nor hide. Icant run from myself. I can’t protect the people I love most in this world. I want to go into do the tests on my own. My mum will take care of my kids. Hubby will meet me after. No one seems to understand why I need to go in by myself. If I here those words you have cancer I need to do it on my own. So I can pull myself together and support those supporting me. I can’t explain the need for this. I get people don’t want me alone. But its so out of control this is the one thing I can control. I need that. And I need not to have cancer


10 thoughts on “So much fear

  1. Have not stopped praying for you, and will continue to lift up you and Sailor and your family in my prayers. Just reading this morning from Psalm 50: “Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.” So I will call upon the LORD for you on your behalf. I agree with your desire to have your consult on your own with your doctor…I think you will have a better chance if you go on your own to dialog with the doctor and get all the facts without distractions or worries about what another person might be thinking while you are trying to focus and also to be able to ask the questions you need or want to ask to understand what the doctor is saying. See if you can get the consulting notes and results and dr’s advice and directions in print, too. That always helps me to remember what the doctor actually said and what is next on the agenda to do… I am rejoicing with you and praising God for the mercies and victories you have experienced in your recent journeys; and I am trusting God for continuing mercies upon you in the journey ahead… ❤


  2. In the words of one of my closest friends, which gets me through everything horrible that has happened this past year… You got this! (You can do it!) And breathe!

    Take in a deep breath and tackle one day at a time… One item at a time.. You got this! You are still alive so breath in that fresh air and enjoy what you have. Today is a good day for a good day!

    I hope this helps and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


  3. My dad had stage 4 cancer that had spread in his 30s. Hoping it isn’t the case for you but if it is, know you aren’t alone. Doctors can refer you to past patients who are willing to talk about the process. Community will form and people will pray, love and work to help you towards health. The thing my dad learned most (on a realistic practical level) through his diagnosis was get multiple opinions. He wouldn’t be alive if he hadn’t. Much love to you 💙


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