It have to be so hard waiting g for a simple text. #trigger #overthinking #crazywoman
A few days ago felt like something shifted. A weight has been lifted. Things seemed more settled at home. Little things have eased my fears for the moment. Truly grateful for this. I really needed a break from my own mind. Yesterday my sailor went away for work. It’s weird. I got so use to him being home for a month. Now he’s off on another adventure for a week. As much as I’m missing him. I’m also so proud of him. This past week he has blown me away in so many ways. He’s shown me a strength that I admire. The road to wellness can be a bumpy one. Highs and lows. But when change happens it brings a sense of Hope and pride. To see your best friend facing challenges in such positive and determined ways brings a sense of happiness. I wish my words could express how I’m feeling. Knowing he’s allowing me to walk by his side as he faces the highs and lows of life and all it brings. It makes all worth it. I’m a proud wife and so grateful to my sailor
Had taken my son under their wing. 14 going on 15 soon. I meet his father at 17. I’d not long had a parnter died from a drug overdose. Life was challenging. His father left when I was 6 months pregnant. After cheating on me, throwing me across the room. Life was hard I had my beautiful boy and man my life changed. 18 years, a single mama to an amazing child. The last time his father saw him was 18 months old nothing since. Over the years it was just him and I. His sister come along when he was 6.
For years people would come into this child’s life and he’d grow attached. Then they’d be gone. He develop trust issues. Preferring not to get close to people. Easier that way.
My hubby and son have gotten along, but they’re so similar. They both escape into different electronics. My son his gaming and YouTube. My hubby YouTube and movies. Things went downhill for them I feel last year. When hubby left my son broke. Scared still he let hubby back in. I felt they gain a new kind of bond. Laughter, weirdness. They’ve never talked much. But my son looks up to him. Speaks of him highly. Loves him like a dad. Hubby to has been the same.
Lately they’ve been challenged again. Both dig their toes in. My hubby frustrated by small things he does. Alot is teenage stuff. But specially the gaming. And sulking when asked to do something. So in turn gets his back up. And retreats.
My boy feels like he’s in trouble for small things. Many things hubby himself does.
I can see both sides. Six of one half a dozen of the other. My boy is scared he’ll up in leave like everyone else so goes into himself. My hubby has talked of wanting him to become a great man able to fend for himself in life. I want the same. But we do have different ways of wanting to get to the same goal. I’ve tried to talk to both hubby n my son bout it this week. Both got their backs up. I know I get super protecive of my boy. But at the same time I do with hubby.
They have such different Hobby’s and out looks on life. Where hubby loves the outdoors, gardening, building stuff etc. My son loves been safe at home in gaming world. They’ve tried doing things together before. The last thing, hubby wanted to do it all the time and my son began to not enjoy it and they both packed a shit n stopped. It’s hard because it’s all or nothing for them both. My son is more mainstream with goals and my hubby more unconventional.
Being a parent full-time brings different challenges. My hubby has 3 older children all girls. They’re in a different country so he’s had a very different parenting experience to me. I understand he’s not gone through many o the the issues. I just wish he’d lighten up in someways. He’s such a over all good kid. He doesn’t drink, do drugs, smoke or girls. He’s home, he is respectful. He does excellence at school. He in ways is a typical teen regarding chores but still. I know I’ve raised a good boy.
I wish hubby and son would find a way to share themselve and knowledge with each other. Theyre both so intelligent. They’re kind and loving. They’re humor is so different but they’re so funny. I wish they’d tell each other the things they tell me.
I feel for my boy once his sister came along alot of people had more in common with her. She’s a social kid people gravitate towards her. I’ve felt for years my son has missed out. Maybe it’s their ages. It’s not just with hubby but with many. She’s easy to do thibgs with. My boy zause of experience has isolated away from people.
I just wish someone aside from me had taken this child which he still is under there wing. I can’t force it. But I’ve cried about it many times. My only son has struggled In His short time and I wish he was more easily understood. I look at my boy wanting better then I had. I want him to believe in people. I hope my hubby and son can make changes and acknowledge what each do on the positive side not just the negatives. In just over 3 years my son’s an adult. I want him to find his place in this world yet have us still with a feirce bond. Wmi want my boy to want to come home he he’s an adult. I wish people would give my son the chance he deserves
Is in my head. When gut instincts are correct. When there’s tension between those you love. When changes are meet with resintance. When you know life will never be perfect, nor do you expect it to be. When you feel the fimilar slide of life and it tears at you heart. When you feel like you can’t win. And despite your best efforts you realise that if change does not happen this could all be the beginning of the end…
What if I had picked up the signs earlier?
What if I hadn’t found him again?
What if my fears do happen?
What if I royally fuck it all up?
What if I miss signals?
What if my minds is playing tricks on me?
I feel under pressure. I saw my therapist this morning. She thinks I’m doing well. Acknowledging my fears. Realising that I did everything. Pushing forward. Opening up to people about how I’m feeling. But she gets me thinking. She asks so many questions. Yup that’s her job but sometimes it’s to hard. I don’t have many answers. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. Studying, working, family, our home. I love my family more then anything. I don’t want to lose them by pushing to hard on my career. They’re nothing but supportive, and there for me. It’s short term with such huge hours. But I get home and look at my hubby. My feelings overwhelm me. I missed him so much whene he was gone. That feeling that I’d never get him back. Laying there at night Wondering where he was, if he was safe. I have nightmares. That I’d never found him again. That id found him and he didn’t want to know me. I have horrific ones which lead me to have anxiety. I’m working through them. Dealing with triggers. They’re my issue I know. Ive made so many mistakes in the past and I feel so selfish taking all this time for me. What if I’m away from home so much my hubby feels like he’s not my proiety. What if I’m away so much my kids start resenting me. What if my hubby feels I’m leaving the kids with him to much. Why can’t I find the balance. I barely see my mum or bestmate anymore. I always tired. I love my course and want to be a fully qualified chef. I’m so close but I’m scared I’ll lose everything else I’ve work for years for. I try to express how I’m feeling but words don’t translate what’s going on in my head. I’m sitting here after working 2 nights and again tomorrow. And I’m close to tears. Made it’s tiredness maybe it’s pms. Maybe I’ve taking to much on. Maybe I shouldve focused on being the best wife and mum I could be. Instead of sitting here feeling like I’m failing my husband and children.
All made from scratch
My Danish pastry
My puff and ruff puff pastry
Mushroom, chicken and bacon risotto
It’s been an emotional week from me. I’ve felt tired. Worked out I’m pulling 50-60 hour weeks between school, work and work experience. I feel like my family’s missing out. But they’ve been incredibly supportive. I decided to look at my positives I’m taking school seriously I want to not only be proud of myself. But I’m also wanting to make my family proud. To show them that there patience has been worth it. Because at the end of the day it’s family first. I’d give it all up in a heartbeat. But I’m grateful I can do what I love and am passionate about and still have my hubby and kids by my side.