My mind won’t stop

What ifs

What if I had picked up the signs earlier?

What if I hadn’t found him again?

What if my fears do happen?

What if I royally fuck it all up?

What if I miss signals?

What if my minds is playing tricks on me?

I feel under pressure. I saw my therapist this morning. She thinks I’m doing well. Acknowledging my fears. Realising that I did everything. Pushing forward. Opening up to people about how I’m feeling. But she gets me thinking. She asks so many questions. Yup that’s her job but sometimes it’s to hard. I don’t have many answers. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. Studying, working, family, our home. I love my family more then anything. I don’t want to lose them by pushing to hard on my career. They’re nothing but supportive, and there for me. It’s short term with such huge hours. But I get home and look at my hubby. My feelings overwhelm me. I missed him so much whene he was gone. That feeling that I’d never get him back. Laying there at night Wondering where he was, if he was safe. I have nightmares. That I’d never found him again. That id found him and he didn’t want to know me. I have horrific ones which lead me to have anxiety. I’m working through them. Dealing with triggers. They’re my issue I know. Ive made so many mistakes in the past and I feel so selfish taking all this time for me. What if I’m away from home so much my hubby feels like he’s not my proiety. What if I’m away so much my kids start resenting me. What if my hubby feels I’m leaving the kids with him to much. Why can’t I find the balance. I barely see my mum or bestmate anymore. I always tired. I love my course and want to be a fully qualified chef. I’m so close but I’m scared I’ll lose everything else I’ve work for years for. I try to express how I’m feeling but words don’t translate what’s going on in my head. I’m sitting here after working 2 nights and again tomorrow. And I’m close to tears. Made it’s tiredness maybe it’s pms. Maybe I’ve taking to much on. Maybe I shouldve focused on being the best wife and mum I could be. Instead of sitting here feeling like I’m failing my husband and children. 

8 thoughts on “My mind won’t stop

  1. I can relate so much to this post! I’m also going to school, working, and trying to take care of my family. But on top of that I’m dealing with some PTSD and anxiety issues that I’m working through. I’m hoping things get better for both of us and we come out the other side stronger than before! I haven’t read your posts in awhile, but I’m so glad to hear your hubby is back. I hope everything works out for you guys!


  2. Speaking as a 50 plus grandmama and wife for 38 years to my wonderful husband and raising 4 amazing children I think it’s all about balance. Trust me when I say I get the issues. There’s not one of them that you have mentioned that I have not experienced… Girls you have to push aside your demons and walk right through them and over them and stand tall.. “Fate whispers to the warrior ‘You cannot withstand the storm.’ And the warrior whispers back, ‘I am the storm !!!’ Boom 💥💥


  3. I think those we worry about, deal so much better with the situation than we might expect. It is us feeling guilty but it is not their view. They might see you as a mom who tries to build up something for a better future for everyone. I am sure, they see your efforts and for sure know, that you love them beyond words!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful but heart wrenching post. All I can say is, that your heart knows the truth, follow it and the world will be put to rights in is own way. You will in time find a balance, have faith in that, follow you heart and you will find peace.


  5. Tiredness will indeed drag all your doubts to the surface. When you’re well-rested, notice how you think and feel. It may be quite different. Hang in there. You have strength and support. And a great future.


  6. Felt like this before back 2004 when I was caring for my high end bipolar daughter and homeschooling my youngest son while running our local community facility and at the same time studying for a degree in proffessional development. I totally understand the feelings you’re experimenting…
    There are days when you will feel overwhelmed by all the activities you are engaged in and thats ok (it’s normal) remind yourself why you begun this journey and visualize your desired outcome, the hardest part is almost over…pretty soon it’ll all be behind you replaced with a sense of pride in your achievement and your family’s admiration…The last hurdle is often the toughest, keep going You Can Do It ~ Best Wishes.


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