Death

Please hug your babies a little tight, tell you partner you love them. Ring your mama or dad. Don’t go to sleep angry. Life as you know it can be over in a flash. Last week I found out my ex mother in law passed away. The world I’ve created for myself is changed and due to not wanting to opening old hurt for my ex-step children I stayed away from the funeral. She wasn’t part of my life anymore but she was for a long time. I have a lot of respect for the woman who hard a life that would’ve broken us. I had put her death into a box. Looking at my positives my new life, my loyalty and live is for my husband, my children, my mum. Plodding along this we’re good. Until today when I got a message from my 15 yr old son. All it said was “mum”. Then he told me he found out his best friend who changed schools last year had died yesterday. I raced to my baby he was with the school counselor. He saw me and just cried and let me hug him. His friend was only 15. And he’s dead. He was chilling with 2 mates a few weeks ago, no drugs or drinking. 2 boys went to make something to eat and came back to this child unconscious. They preformed CPR and called an ambulance. He was taking to hospital, and put on life support. Yesterday his parents had to make the devastating decision to turn of his life support. They believe it was a unknown heart problems. The scary part this child had talked for a few years about suicide. It’s broken my son he’s blocked it. Pretending like nothing’s changed. Its self protection. He’s talked to me. But I don’t know what to say. I want to protect him but I can’t. A mama should protect. It’s brought up so much. We have had in many ways a fantastic year. But the trumia we have suffered has been horrific. I nearly lost both my mum and husband this year, had two cancer scares, my daughter bullied severely,  and normal life. And now at 15 fucken years old my son has lost his best friend. Yup life’s not fucken fair. I just want to protect those closer to me and I can only watch as they go through there struggles. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry instead I have to study as I’m graduating in 5 weeks. I really need that magic wand about now.

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No longer a single mama

This week it’s dawned on me that for the 1st time in nearly 15 years old being a mama to my beautiful babies. That Im not longer a single/solo mama. Things are so strong with my hubby. My generous, loving, incredible sailor. Not only do I feel feel supported, but I know my kids do to. It’s an amazing feeling. I never thought I’d feel like this. I always thought I’d feel like a single mum. Doing get me wrong I loved being me and the kids. But knowing i not only have my hubby back. But we have him back. I feel we’re strong now then ever before. We had some of the most heart breaking times. And I no doubt we’ll have tough times. But I now know we’re in this together. I’ve never felt more content, more supported, more loved. Tears are welling up at the pure happiness and pride I have in my hubby, our kids and myself. Life is magical. 

When so much of my life is going great, there always seems to be something going wrong

My family is amazing, supportive, loving and incredible. I’m in school training to be a chef. I’m beyond loving it. Doing so well in the practicals. I’ve completed work experience. Nearly completed the presentation for it. I thought I had a handle on the theory until last week when despite studying I massively failed a test. I got a resit and ended up passing. 

Problem I’ve have 2 tests, a major theory exam, 6 hour practical, a 45 page assessment, a small assessment. We have 8 weeks to graduation. 2 weeks are holidays. 

I’m behind in housework. I’m not spending enough time with my kids or hubby. I’m in over my head. I feel stupid and dumb. I just spent an hour going over one assessment, and was lost. My big assessment I don’t know where to begin. The only thing I have confidence in is my practicals. 

Everyone around me is telling me I’ve got this, I can do it, etc. But I don’t feel like I at this stage have any chance of passing the theory or even graduating. I’m looking at getting tutor help. But prob being I can’t until we’re back from holidays and 2 assessments are due the first week back.

Ive tried breaking it down into steps rather then the whole thing at once. But I feel like I’m reading over and over and not retaining the information. I can answer the questions vocally. But putting words on paper ends up muddled. I can read and write well. But it’s not translating. I feel like I’m sinking backwards. 

I just want to be a chef. To be successful. Instead I’m sitting here feeling destined to fail.