Merry Christmas 

Everyone 🙂 this year I go to sleep blissfully happy. My darling hubby snoring softy in bed, my kids happy, pressies under the tree, plenty of delicious food in the fridge. We’ve faced the lowest times and the highest. We as a family have battled mental health, mamas breast cancer, my cancer scares, my son’s best friend died, my daughter horrificly bullied. Yet my hubby came home, he’s starting a business. My son again did excellent at school, and went on his first job interview. My daughter has gained confidence and her business a great success. As for me I start chef training, graduated and got accepted into my advanced diploma, whilst working.

Most of all I’m grateful my family is alive, safe, happy and together. Happy Christmas everyone

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This is getting bloody ridiculous

Seriously I’m so tired and drain yet I just can’t seem to sleep. The past few nights it’s been after 3am when I’ve fallen asleep. Now it’s 12:30am, whilst I’m mentally, emotionally and physically drained I can’t seem to sleep. I’ve tried relaxing. Getting heaps of things done, house work, baking, cooking, awesome time with my kids, calls with my hubby. I’ve listened to my mindfulness meditation apps. 3 different ones over and over. I’ve tried just trying to sleep. I could lie and pretend I have no idea what’s causing my latest sleep issues, but reality I know exactly what I is. Despite make positive memories on hard dates. Positive thinking. All that crap. I swear I envy those who can lay down at night and fall in to a restful, dream free sleep. To wake feeling rested and alert. I should be use to it. Instead I logged on to here and ramble on.

Making new memories on a day the brings sadness

This time a year ago our life as we built it changed. For me unexpected, scary, heartbreaking. I don’t want to rehash it right now. But I finally fell asleep at 3:30ish this morning after tosing and turning playing into my fear and anxiety I woke this morning. To a call from my hubby. He’s away for work and I’m struggling with it. He was ringing just to tell me he loved me and will be back. The word’s that mean the most to me in our marriage. Then it dawned on me something my hubby told me last week. We need to make new memories on days that have been hard in the past. So today instead of focusing on all the thoughts screaming around my head I’m going to focus on good things. We’re going to a jewellery party then this evening I’m taking my mama and kids to a kids Christmas lights. I went to as a kid. So heres to making an effort to change my mindset and keep focusing on the future

Blessed

For the first time in a long time I feel like we’ve had real positives as a whole family today. Smiles, support, encouragement, contributing, plans, understanding, thanks, and so much more. But most of all progress. 

Such a proud moment to have tears of happiness instead of fear. I have so much hope for the future

I have a wicked sense of deja vu

How ever I truly hope it’s my fears not my reality. I guess only time will tell. I’m low I found some hard truths today that just proved again I’m clueless at picking up sign from those im closet to. Oh well time to go do some mindfulness meditation and attempt sleep. And hope like hell I wake tomorrow with a fresh prospective. It hurts being triggered so much from past events that I can’t change or fix. Not can I prevent them from happening again. I have to allow others to find there footing, feel their emotions and process in there own ways. Even though it’s tearing my heart in a million pieces. So so many unanswered questions. Sometimes life just feels that no matter how hard I try to succeed as a wife, a mama , a student and chef that it’ll never be good enough, that as soon as I feel positive the negatives slide in.