She’s still only a baby

My baby girl. She’s only 9 years old. Our darling has struggled with being bullied severely over the years, struggles with school, now with this autoimmune skin disorder vitiligo. Our darling feels so hard, heart on her sleeve. She cares to much what others think of her. She has compassion, love empathy. She’s a fixer. We’re spending time teaching her to stand up for herself, to be a strong independent girl. To accept herself. To teach her skills to do well in life even though she struggles with schooling, that’s she’s still brilliant. That she’s beautiful and loved.

Today I feel as her mum I’ve let her down. Lately she has been getting scared at night, nightmares, fears, suddenly sleeping with the door open. I comfort her as does my hubby. But we’ve realised it’s becoming a pattern. So are being firm. Today she was sent upstairs to relax. We’ve just got her a princess bed and re done her room so she can relax in her bedroom and play. I hear her sobbing. I call her and she says she’s fine. I call her again. She tells me she’s scared to be on her own. Last term kids were telling her scary story’s (bloody Mary was one) she said she knows they’re not real but they scare her. She then asks me to take and hide her pin crafts grandma bought her. I asked why and she told me she is scared she she’s thinking about hurting herself. I’m shocked by this and immediately get protective. She gave me the pins n beads and I tucked them away. Hubby and I talked to her to try to get a better understanding on what’s going on. She gives us examples. When she’s physically hurt by the bullies, she gets so angry, but doesn’t want to hurt them. Instead thinks of hurting herself. She said she doesn’t want to but keeps thinking it. Another example when she thinks of the scary story’s, she wants to stop thinking it to make it go away. When she can’t, she thinks about hurting herself. I really had not idea she was thinking this. We’re in tune and talk often. About everything, thoughts, feelings life. She can come to us and she does.

I’m scared for her, the talk of thoughts of harming herself scare me. Hubby and I talked we’re going to the doctor’s, to get a referral to cafs and birthright which is physiocgist for child. I’ll push for her to get help. She is open to talking to a therapist.

It just scares me. I have a past of self harm and attempts, my hubby does, my mum’s has bipolar. Many people I know struggle with mental health. My 15 year old son has anxiety. I was talked to about 4 years ago, bpd (my dignosis) can be hereditary. She has many of the same traits I do. We’re identical as kids. I want to help her and protect her from this pain. This cruel world. How does the most beautiful little girl struggle so young with things adults can begin to process.

When I reached out for help as a young teen, I wished someone took me seriously and got me help. I won’t let her down again I’ll fight to get this precious child support and tools. I’m not going to watch mental health distory my child like it nearly did me and my hubby.

God I just want to hold her and never let go

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Comp practice one month till the big weekend

In a month I’m competing with my son in a big cooking competition. So been getting my practice on for one of my entrys. Bailey’s cheese cake, with a centre of espresso dark chocolate cremeux, a dark chocolate mirror glaze and will be decorated with chocolate cover roasted coffee beans, Bailey’s cream, a tempered chocolate curls and gold leaf. Starting to get excited. Love glazing desserts brings a sense of satisfaction

Obsessed

About three weeks ago I got gifted a scoby and starter tea, so milk kafir grains. I’d been talking to a friend about starting my girl on probotics. A few months ago she was diagnosed with an autoimmune skin disorder vitiligo, where she losing the pigment in her skin. And at the same time she’s had trouble with her tummy and severe car sickness. Also my hubby has been struggling with his energy levels. So I gave it a start.

Now I’ve become obsessive.

Starting with kombucha, so many flavours, from raspberry, strawberry, mango and ginger, blackcurrant

On to fermented feijoa fizzy just using the skins

Onto my milk powder and culture starter yogurt in both thick Greek style and drinkable

Then wanting to expand I’ve started aa ginger beer bug

Realising my milk kafir grains were sick I was gifted a new lot which I’ve started today fingers crossed

And lastly I adore making bread so wanted to make a sour Dough starter. Why make one right when I can make two. So attempting a wholemeal and a high ratio stater

Since I started my baby girl has only had a few sore times, bloatings gone and no car sickness. I’m hoping in time it’ll help my hubby and I love my 15yr old enjoys it all to.

Win win. Being creative while helping my family

It’s been a long time

Since I posted last. Life’s crazy busy but I love it. I’m back at school level five diploma in patisserie. We have regional comps coming up end of next month. And I’m feeling under pressure. Last year I entered two. A live which I received winner of class and a silver medal. And a static which I received a silver medal, and by points I came officially second against a chef with more experience. I’m still so proud. But now the comps are coming up I’m feeling odd. I’m entering 3 this year wear as many of my class are entering one.

I’m competing in the artisan bread static, where I have to produce 3 loafs, a lean, enriched and flat bread, with condiments. So I’ll do a double hydration cibbata loaf. A duck fat and bacon brioche and a foccaica still not sure which. I’ll make a artichoke ppaste and homemade butter.

Then the cheesecake, I’m doing a Bailey’s white chocolate cheesecake with a espresso, dark chocolate cremeux in the centre, a dark chocolate glaze, garnished with Bailey’s cream, chocolate covered coffee beans and gold leaf.

Then the dessert live I have 1 hour to produce a restaurant quality dessert. I’m doing a short crust tart, with raspberry fuild gel, cream cheese mousse, mango cream. Garnished with fresh mango and cubes of set raspberry gel, likely with flowers and gold leaf.

Issue being I feel overwhelmed. I had disasters for my practice runs and felt like a failure. Hubby said to focus on one element at a time and perfect that. Father then the whole item.

So I’m preparing my notes, recipes, drawings at the moment. I’m going to listen to hubby and one thing at a time. But looking at my notes I feel in over my head.

Ive two incredible tutors who I want to prove I have what it takes. I want to show them I’m worth it that I can be top of class. That I’m going to be a great chef. I want to prove to my hubby and kids that the sucifices they make for me are worth it. I want to succeed not fail. I feel expected to get gold and winner of class in all three. Maybe I’m putting that expectation on myself. It feels to much. God I just hope I can pull it all off.