It’s been 18 months

Since my last post. My world has changed in many ways. From posting daily, sometimes multiple times a day. To nothing. Yet the last few days I’ve had an overwhelming need to write. To find a release from trauma, horrific situations beyond my control.

Yet I don’t know where to start. How much to share. They are not my story. But the ripple effect has these thing effect my everyday life. Overwhelmed. Wanting justice, yet wondering if there’s such thing. No words, confessions, no matter the sentence will bring back what has been taken from so many. It won’t bring back the lost of trust. The life changing event of one horrific individual changed a whole family. Never to be the same again.

Then another young person decided that this world isn’t for them. Saved in time, wishing they werent. Fear of recieving yet another phone call. Scared we’ll have to bury my niece next time, instead of surgery. I wish for a world without suicide, attempts and mental health. I want peace for those close to me.

In the side lines watching things fall apart and helpless

Feeling huge sense of wanting to be in denial. All the while the truth keeps smacking me in the face. Hoping writing will help release what I’m struggling to speak about. My words become jumbled. I want to be a support to those closest to me, and keep myself well at the same time.

Truth is the world has changed so much over the past months. Covid, my country in lockdown. Back to some normality. My pride and joy business having to close and reopen. My child’s health. My other child is preparing to leave home, and move 4 hours away. His loss off his job from covid and unable to find a new one, despite trying. My amazing sailor facing his own struggles and highs.

The return of my anxiety. Today a rage I’ve not felt for many years. Fear of what tomorrow will bring. Will it be positive or yet another huge event.

Reading over this post, a jumbled mess of words that make no sense. Thankful I’ve reached out for help. Still doing my self-care, mindfulness, and actually sleeping. Still going to work. Still putting one foot in front of the other. Until next time