About kelzbelzphotography

I'm a mummy of 2 first and foremost. I have an amazing husband. I'm a lover of photography and the business side of social media. Trying my hand at poetry, and love blogging, chocolate making, cake decorating. Also just taken up Zen tangle art. I'm also trying wood carving and pyrography kelzbelzphotography.wordpress.com I have overcome great sadness and achieved such happiness

Writing helped

Last night releasing my thoughts calmed me a little. One bonus about being so busy is I’m finally sleeping bit better. I woke today thinking about a conversation with my sailor. He’s one that doesn’t remember his dreams. But one he did. We we’re both in it looking at land. In life we are working so hard towards our future. To buy land, build. Extending Hubby’s gardening business. Me studying, to finally be qualified as a chef. To open my own container cafe. To teach the kids. Things like his dream just push me in the right direction. Despite everything the hardships things are coming together. I look at my husband and know without a doubt I made the right choice to keep fighting for us. I wish it hadn’t happened but the past few month seeing us coming together stronger makes it worth it. I still have questions. But seeing the bonds grow is magic. Its like him n my boy have a stronger bond now then  Before. I have a confidence with our relationship and family unit that I didn’t have before. Its made me strong as a women and in turn as a wife and mother. 

So much fear

My life has been crazy busy. So much good is happening I’ll update soon. But there’s something I feel dragging me down. I went for my check up with the specialist, after my scare when a doctor found I had a breast lump. Turns out was a cyst. So going to this appointment I didn’t think to take anyone. I thought it would be a straight forward follow up. But found out some troubling things. I had another exam and they found  tissue changes. Don’t know how to explain it. All I remember is the doc say 75% breast density, tissue changes, pre cancer. Biopsy and ultra sound to find out if its cancer. 100% not a cyst, family history, mum had breast cancer, genes testing. 32 years old. I left and rung my husband straight away. He was brilliant. I had to go to work but went to get him straight after. Spoke to my mum. Told my best mate. Hid it from my kids. 

What gets me the most is the look, the change in tone. Everyone has done this, the doc, hubby, mum, my tutor who I had to tell as I’ll not be able to work in the kitchen. No one can tell me its all going to be ok and I desperately need to hear that. Even tho I know until the biopsy on Monday n results no one knows. Everyone of the small amount of people who know are being incredibly supportive. They telling me no matter the results I’ll be ok. Last time everyone was more positive , saying it was likely a cyst. Now none is saying it. My mum has said its a nightmare. I dont want to put her through this stress shes still dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer. My bestmates had tears and freaked out over it, my therapist who’s usually so quick to build me up was lost for words. My darling man has been there for me every step. He’s away for work but busing back Monday and fingers crossed his bus will arrive on time so he can meet me afterwards. I dont want to put him through this. I just got him back. He’s doing so well, we’re a unit again. I wanted things calmer for him, I don’t want to put him through extra hard times. I’m grateful he’s not seeing my tears ATM. 

This time what ever is in me is different. The specialist said he wanted me seen within a month. The referral was sent and then return to the dhb for consideration. It was a long weekend and I was rung with the appointment time. 2 and a half weeks from being seen. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful, but I scared of why I’m being pushed through so quickly. Not normal to my knowledge. 

I was in denial. Now I can’t get back to denial. I want to until I have to face the tests. My guts saying prepare. My hearts breaking and my mind is desperately trying to be positive. Everyone’s reactions furthers my fear that I maybe facing cancer. Even if its not. The doctor has said this is the begfining of regularly testing for the rest of my life. 

Why should I be facing a real cancer scare at my age. I’m just getting my shit together, my career, my marriage, my kids, our lives. Why now. Why not when I’m 70 and lived a long life. Why did I waste so much time. I’m scared beyond belief. I can’t run from this nor hide. Icant run from myself. I can’t protect the people I love most in this world. I want to go into do the tests on my own. My mum will take care of my kids. Hubby will meet me after. No one seems to understand why I need to go in by myself. If I here those words you have cancer I need to do it on my own. So I can pull myself together and support those supporting me. I can’t explain the need for this. I get people don’t want me alone. But its so out of control this is the one thing I can control. I need that. And I need not to have cancer

Feeling really sad tonight

Everything is a work in progress which I understand and respect. I just can’t help but want to speed up the process. I want to continue to build the foundation to a great life. Open discussion and honestly is a must. Its so important. Hearing others truly hearing them. Being mindful with my responses. Allowing others to feel heard and accepted. Trying to keep a level head when I hear things I’d rather not. Things that hurt me even though I’m grateful for the truth. I’m feeling pulled between wanting to acknowledge events that have happened, yet knowing I’ll never truly have the answers I feel I need for closure. Im not ready to ask those questions that can not undo the hurt. Yet left unsaid is keep the wound gaping and raw. My need to protect myself and others is putting strain on life. Yet I can’t face that I can’t protect those I love from the experiences they have and will face. 

Counting my blessings

Tonight I rung my mama. She sounds so scared, one of her wound sites was sore and swollen. Worried she went straight to the doctors. Luckily everything was ok and they’ll monitor her 🙂

I was lucky enough t catch up with hubby, mum, my best mate. So happy to have some laughs. I asked my man to price a few buckets I needed and when he got back he said he’d forgotten. Ok so no biggy. Then he comes out with 2 purple buckets. I know its silly but I’ve wanted them for ages and I was super happy.

I had a trigger though. Putting me instantly on edge. The police turned up at my neighbours. I went into instant protect my hubby mode. Silly because he’s a grown man but I was scared it may trigger him cause they caused so much hell for us. Bit once again my hubby showed me I don’t need to do it. He’s come so far n makes me so proud.

Yesterday I was feeling unwell. I had the beginning of a migraine. By early evening it had hit hard. Hubby had to head back to where he’s staying but after my girl tucked mummy into bed, he cuddled up with me and covered me with his shirt. Giving me such comfort. I woke in time to put my girl to bed, grateful my son had looked after his sister and made her dinner. I’d looked in the fridage and found sailor had brought us a few bottles of milk cause we were low. I end up vomiting and struggling but still had comfort from hubby via phone.

Woke this morning feeling so much better. My 8 year old proudly showed me the to do list she’d written. My hubby had worked on the gardens. While my son without being asked cleaned up the kitchen, his room, cut his hair n cleaned up n had a shower.

Took hubby back to his place we stopped in at the hardware store. It felt like old times joking and playing around. He treated me to this matting stuff I’ve needed. I told him just because I say I want something doesn’t me I expect to get it. It reminds me of when we we’re first dating and he brought me art pencils. Its not about the stuff but the fact he actually listens and remembers. Its all the small things that he does, not buying stuff but everything. His thoughtfulness, his laughter, his love that made me stick by him, all that pain and uncertainty, is worth it. To know I 100% made the right choice to wait for this man. I may not have gone the right ways about it but our love kept me going. And he and us is worth everything.

I had a awesome conversation with my son tonight which put me at ease with how he’s feeling.

And Im just sitting here thankful for the little things I have. 

When you don’t click

With your new therapist :/ I’ve been twice. I’ll go next week, but unless there’s a vast difference I’ll have to change people. Story of my life. Try to keep well and it doesn’t work. My family therapist and I discussed given it a real go, open, honest, real. To not judge, be open to a new way of a new person. I went in positive but left dispointed. 

Maybe I’m in the wrong, I knew I don’t trust, especially with the past six months of being let down from mental health n doctors. 

Talking to Nicki (the family therapist) I spoke to her about a few concerns from last week and I’ll debrief again tomorrow. But last week I struggled with the lack of Josie’s (new therapists) lack of eye contact. She constantly looked away when she spoke or I was talking. I also left there feeling detached. She like my hubby said that can be normal to be matter of fact with first sessions. Nicki asked me to be a little more open with my struggles to give her the chance to help. Because I have a way of appearing in control and well that I may need to let my walls down. Also talk to her about the eye contact.

So I get there. Head in. She asked about my week. Told her the good ie my mums cancer free. Also the struggles I feel while my Hubby’s at work, my boys eye sight, my girls broken arm, not being able to relax or unwind. She’s replied sounds like a good positive week then. I got my back up, please tell me how my son may have major issues with his eye sight is positive, my baby could fucken go blind. And while trying to express how I feel about mums health, she kept bringing it back to her friend who had cancer????

Anyways I pushed forward keeping calm. And thought right I’m gonna push this women she what she’s made off. So I starting talking about my experiences when I was in contact with my hubby. And she started talking again about her sons struggles with mental health. I observe people a lot so I was watching her closely. She won’t give me eye contact, she looked every where but no eye contact. I found her checking her watch and the clock on the wall to the point I felt uncomfortable. And constant fidgeting with her hands. 

One thing that really got to me was her wording with a few things. I was taking about my experiences having attempted suicide and the past few months with hubby. And her words shocked me. She said it was “hard case”. As in funny haha hard case. 

I stayed for the session but left feeling confused. Especially since she ended the session with just stay positive. No actual advice or guidance to anything I’m going through. And how is any thing I’m going through ” hard fucken case”

Hell am I just being difficult. Or have I been lumped with another idiot? Am I wrong not to give a flying fuck about her son or friends. I don’t need nor want to spend more time talking about them then the reason I’m there. Am I wrong to believe a therapist should be encouraging me to work through my issues. To face things. To offer advice to ideas I can put in place to work through it all. This is why I wanted a phycologist or however you spell it. Not some councilor who doesn’t know there arse from there elbow. I wanted and need someone who’s trained in mental health, who have an understanding of bpd, breakdowns, being hospitalised, suicide, self harm. Maybe someone who may know a little about dbt. 

I just feel I’ve opened up to yet another person who’s clueless yet isn’t professional even to admit if a case is to difficult. Or they don’t have the training require to treat someone with my experiences. 

I feel let down by the system yet again. I just want to be able to truly open up and get some guidance. After all I’m only trying to work on me, my future, and be the best mum and wife I can be, to support my hubby in the right ways to be by his side as he finds his way through this maze. To be strong for my kids. To vent so I can let my fears for my son out safely not scare him. 

And what cracks me up its my first night off by myself. and I feel so lost with out my kids and sailor here. 

Second night 

Of not being able to sleep. And I’m super frustrated. Days I’m doing ok, good even. I’m getting ahead with the house and studies. I’ve spent time with my kids. I have my younger cousin staying so cooked a yummy dinner, first time making chicken diane. Was delicious. Talked to hubby earlier. He sounds like he’s having a good time away at work. I’m missing him like crazy but happy he’s happy. 

My mum got her final clearance from the cancer specialist today. She doesn’t have to go back for a year. Crazy to think 2 and a half months ago she was told she had breast cancer and now thabks to her radical treatment with surgery she’s free of cancer. I’m stoked.

My girl goes to the hospital tomorrow to get a new full cast on. She’s doing well but frustrated she can’t do what she normally does. Looking forward to hearing exactly where the break is and how long she’s going to have the cast for.

Last month I finally got glasses. Needed them from about 16. I decided together my kids eyes tested. My girls are fine and she doesn’t need glasses. However toke my son today. And I was shocked to say the least. He needs glasses which he’s ok about. As part of a government scheme for under 16 year olds we are lucky he gets two pairs neqrlly $700 worth for free. What’s got me worried is as a child he had a slight lazy eye. It seems to have corrected itself. But today we discovered he still has issues with that eye. When he focuses instead of both eyes looking in, his left flicks out. That parts fixable. He has daily exercises to correct it which I’m grateful. One of the main reasons I wanted them check was because he’s regularly getting headaches. The optometrist was really concerned because they’re only at the front left behind his eye. She is worried about (excuse my spelling) him have glaucoma. Essentially a condition that can cause him to go blind in that eye. She did further tests which were ok. But she’s strongly advised that I get him check again in 3 months. Because she can’t explain the headaches. And she said while he’s not common this young its def not unheard of. Just worries me. I’m feeling guilt that it’s taken so lo g to take him in. I should’ve years ago, but didnt realise. I don’t want my son to go blind in that eye full stop. But if he does cause of my inactions just is eating me up. 

I’ve got a night of from my kids tomorrow. But like the past 6 months I don’t get a break. I have therapy then hospital for my girl. The next morning therapy again then work. And Hubby’s away and not back till friday. I’m desperate for a real break. I haven’t had one in the time without having school, therapy, work, and everything else. I’m trying to be strong for everyone. But I miss taking care of myself and for a night not having to worry about anything.

One day…..

When food and photography collide

Realised I hadn’t share many photos or food I’ve created lately so here’s a few from yesterday and today. Been missing school so had to get in the kitchen. Now off to study

New loaf recipe I tried

Mini loafs I turned into garlice bread my hubby grew

Home made pumpkin soup n my bread

Mini chicken n mushroom filo baskets

Cranberry and white choc muffins

Oat, cranberry and white choc biscults

Once again

Its nearly midnight and I’m wide awake. I’ve had a great day, hanging out with my kids. I took my son to fast and the furious 8 at the movies earlier. I promised him at Christmas that he’d get to go when it was at the theatre. And by a stroke of luck my pay went in early due to public holidays on Tuesday. So I could take him finally. Felt like much needed mum n son relaxing bonding time and we had a blast. Having spent lots of time with my girl lately, he’d done really well making that happen felt great to have one on one time. I was missing hubby heaps tonight so got the house cleaned up, homemade pumpkin soup for dinner. Then finally got a few hours study done. Finally feel like I’m getting on top of practical things.

I am struggling with a few things. Over thinking. But hey what’s new that’s me right lol. I started with a new councilor last week. And two things struck me since. 

One. I realised that I’m really detached from a few things at the moment. Really matter of fact. Able to talk about some things regarding my hubby without emotion, also mums cancer. I know it can be “normal”. Dealing with some major emotions can just be to hard. I know to heal and move past them I need to process everything. But in same ways my minds protecting me from the fact I very nearly lost my two best friends in such a short space of time. I thought I was dealing with them. But I’m shutting them out. Trying to block and avoid the things I need to deal with the most and it scares me. If I deal with them I have to face it head on and the thought breaks me. If I don’t deal with it all its going to cone back and hurt me later. I can’t even figure out where to begin. I wish I didn’t have to.

Two. The councilor brought up PTSD. Or post traumatic stress disorder. She didn’t diagnose me but strong implied she believes I have it. First reaction was, whatever dumb bitch doesn’t know me and I brushed it off. Second was, have I not got enough labels. Have i not had enough of them to last a life time. Over the years ive had or do have Bpd, depression, reactional depression, anxiety, insomnia, self harm, 2 suicide attempts, ocd, nightmares and night terrors, sleep eating. Some say while not an eating disorder, eating issues. and now PTSD. Third reaction. How can I have that when it didn’t actually happen to me. I didn’t see the event? I’m not getting into details, but I am having struggles with intense fear, I’m super jumpy all the time, anxious with situations I never use to be, and my nightmares are worse, they’re horrific and so vivid. But still didn’t witness it and as I said it didn’t happen to me. So I can’t understand how I could have PTSD because of it and a few other things. I’m not going to blame the situation for the way I’m feeling. I just don’t know again how to process it. Especially when I’m so grateful that even though it happened, it didn’t turn into my worst nightmare, its a work in progress yet still so many positive steps are happening. 

Anyways I’m rambling again. So I’m going to head offline. And do some mindfulness. Unwind and get some sleep. Tomorrows a new day

I feel silly

But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man

When your baby looks to you

To take away her pain and you can only hug her, is one of the most painful parts of parenting. I’ve had her back at the docs for a second half cast. It was horrible. Not only we’re we delayed and their a few hours, but when we were actually seen the doctor barely even acknowledged my girl n I, but wouldn’t answer questions. Then the nurse was rude and really rough, not seeming to care the pain this child was in. Because of that we were home past her dinner and bed time which had her over tired. Laying next to her just reassuring her, giving her cuddles, she looked miserable wanting me to take the pain away. So hard when all we want to do is make it all better