A few days ago felt like something shifted. A weight has been lifted. Things seemed more settled at home. Little things have eased my fears for the moment. Truly grateful for this. I really needed a break from my own mind. Yesterday my sailor went away for work. It’s weird. I got so use to him being home for a month. Now he’s off on another adventure for a week. As much as I’m missing him. I’m also so proud of him. This past week he has blown me away in so many ways. He’s shown me a strength that I admire. The road to wellness can be a bumpy one. Highs and lows. But when change happens it brings a sense of Hope and pride. To see your best friend facing challenges in such positive and determined ways brings a sense of happiness. I wish my words could express how I’m feeling. Knowing he’s allowing me to walk by his side as he faces the highs and lows of life and all it brings. It makes all worth it. I’m a proud wife and so grateful to my sailor
Had taken my son under their wing. 14 going on 15 soon. I meet his father at 17. I’d not long had a parnter died from a drug overdose. Life was challenging. His father left when I was 6 months pregnant. After cheating on me, throwing me across the room. Life was hard I had my beautiful boy and man my life changed. 18 years, a single mama to an amazing child. The last time his father saw him was 18 months old nothing since. Over the years it was just him and I. His sister come along when he was 6.
For years people would come into this child’s life and he’d grow attached. Then they’d be gone. He develop trust issues. Preferring not to get close to people. Easier that way.
My hubby and son have gotten along, but they’re so similar. They both escape into different electronics. My son his gaming and YouTube. My hubby YouTube and movies. Things went downhill for them I feel last year. When hubby left my son broke. Scared still he let hubby back in. I felt they gain a new kind of bond. Laughter, weirdness. They’ve never talked much. But my son looks up to him. Speaks of him highly. Loves him like a dad. Hubby to has been the same.
Lately they’ve been challenged again. Both dig their toes in. My hubby frustrated by small things he does. Alot is teenage stuff. But specially the gaming. And sulking when asked to do something. So in turn gets his back up. And retreats.
My boy feels like he’s in trouble for small things. Many things hubby himself does.
I can see both sides. Six of one half a dozen of the other. My boy is scared he’ll up in leave like everyone else so goes into himself. My hubby has talked of wanting him to become a great man able to fend for himself in life. I want the same. But we do have different ways of wanting to get to the same goal. I’ve tried to talk to both hubby n my son bout it this week. Both got their backs up. I know I get super protecive of my boy. But at the same time I do with hubby.
They have such different Hobby’s and out looks on life. Where hubby loves the outdoors, gardening, building stuff etc. My son loves been safe at home in gaming world. They’ve tried doing things together before. The last thing, hubby wanted to do it all the time and my son began to not enjoy it and they both packed a shit n stopped. It’s hard because it’s all or nothing for them both. My son is more mainstream with goals and my hubby more unconventional.
Being a parent full-time brings different challenges. My hubby has 3 older children all girls. They’re in a different country so he’s had a very different parenting experience to me. I understand he’s not gone through many o the the issues. I just wish he’d lighten up in someways. He’s such a over all good kid. He doesn’t drink, do drugs, smoke or girls. He’s home, he is respectful. He does excellence at school. He in ways is a typical teen regarding chores but still. I know I’ve raised a good boy.
I wish hubby and son would find a way to share themselve and knowledge with each other. Theyre both so intelligent. They’re kind and loving. They’re humor is so different but they’re so funny. I wish they’d tell each other the things they tell me.
I feel for my boy once his sister came along alot of people had more in common with her. She’s a social kid people gravitate towards her. I’ve felt for years my son has missed out. Maybe it’s their ages. It’s not just with hubby but with many. She’s easy to do thibgs with. My boy zause of experience has isolated away from people.
I just wish someone aside from me had taken this child which he still is under there wing. I can’t force it. But I’ve cried about it many times. My only son has struggled In His short time and I wish he was more easily understood. I look at my boy wanting better then I had. I want him to believe in people. I hope my hubby and son can make changes and acknowledge what each do on the positive side not just the negatives. In just over 3 years my son’s an adult. I want him to find his place in this world yet have us still with a feirce bond. Wmi want my boy to want to come home he he’s an adult. I wish people would give my son the chance he deserves
Is in my head. When gut instincts are correct. When there’s tension between those you love. When changes are meet with resintance. When you know life will never be perfect, nor do you expect it to be. When you feel the fimilar slide of life and it tears at you heart. When you feel like you can’t win. And despite your best efforts you realise that if change does not happen this could all be the beginning of the end…
What if I had picked up the signs earlier?
What if I hadn’t found him again?
What if my fears do happen?
What if I royally fuck it all up?
What if I miss signals?
What if my minds is playing tricks on me?
I feel under pressure. I saw my therapist this morning. She thinks I’m doing well. Acknowledging my fears. Realising that I did everything. Pushing forward. Opening up to people about how I’m feeling. But she gets me thinking. She asks so many questions. Yup that’s her job but sometimes it’s to hard. I don’t have many answers. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. Studying, working, family, our home. I love my family more then anything. I don’t want to lose them by pushing to hard on my career. They’re nothing but supportive, and there for me. It’s short term with such huge hours. But I get home and look at my hubby. My feelings overwhelm me. I missed him so much whene he was gone. That feeling that I’d never get him back. Laying there at night Wondering where he was, if he was safe. I have nightmares. That I’d never found him again. That id found him and he didn’t want to know me. I have horrific ones which lead me to have anxiety. I’m working through them. Dealing with triggers. They’re my issue I know. Ive made so many mistakes in the past and I feel so selfish taking all this time for me. What if I’m away from home so much my hubby feels like he’s not my proiety. What if I’m away so much my kids start resenting me. What if my hubby feels I’m leaving the kids with him to much. Why can’t I find the balance. I barely see my mum or bestmate anymore. I always tired. I love my course and want to be a fully qualified chef. I’m so close but I’m scared I’ll lose everything else I’ve work for years for. I try to express how I’m feeling but words don’t translate what’s going on in my head. I’m sitting here after working 2 nights and again tomorrow. And I’m close to tears. Made it’s tiredness maybe it’s pms. Maybe I’ve taking to much on. Maybe I shouldve focused on being the best wife and mum I could be. Instead of sitting here feeling like I’m failing my husband and children.
All made from scratch
My Danish pastry
My puff and ruff puff pastry
Mushroom, chicken and bacon risotto
It’s been an emotional week from me. I’ve felt tired. Worked out I’m pulling 50-60 hour weeks between school, work and work experience. I feel like my family’s missing out. But they’ve been incredibly supportive. I decided to look at my positives I’m taking school seriously I want to not only be proud of myself. But I’m also wanting to make my family proud. To show them that there patience has been worth it. Because at the end of the day it’s family first. I’d give it all up in a heartbeat. But I’m grateful I can do what I love and am passionate about and still have my hubby and kids by my side.
Last night releasing my thoughts calmed me a little. One bonus about being so busy is I’m finally sleeping bit better. I woke today thinking about a conversation with my sailor. He’s one that doesn’t remember his dreams. But one he did. We we’re both in it looking at land. In life we are working so hard towards our future. To buy land, build. Extending Hubby’s gardening business. Me studying, to finally be qualified as a chef. To open my own container cafe. To teach the kids. Things like his dream just push me in the right direction. Despite everything the hardships things are coming together. I look at my husband and know without a doubt I made the right choice to keep fighting for us. I wish it hadn’t happened but the past few month seeing us coming together stronger makes it worth it. I still have questions. But seeing the bonds grow is magic. Its like him n my boy have a stronger bond now then Before. I have a confidence with our relationship and family unit that I didn’t have before. Its made me strong as a women and in turn as a wife and mother.
Realised I hadn’t share many photos or food I’ve created lately so here’s a few from yesterday and today. Been missing school so had to get in the kitchen. Now off to study
New loaf recipe I tried
Mini loafs I turned into garlice bread my hubby grew
Home made pumpkin soup n my bread
Mini chicken n mushroom filo baskets
Cranberry and white choc muffins
Oat, cranberry and white choc biscults
Last week I had my very first practical assessment. 3hrs, 3 dishes plus 3 sauces. and I aced it!!!! So proud of myself. I learnt so much and heaps of room for improvement but I passed the whole lot. Only three of us in the whole class of 20+ don’t have to resit. I truly didn’t think I could do it especially so well. And having my hubby, kids n mama proud made it all worth it.
The next day we got our 400+ book of culinary terms to learn. Heaps in French. That night hubby n I went through all of them I’m surprised how much I already know. It was the best study session. Having laughs. Just spending time with sailor and his encouragement keeps boosting me up. And my boy got the highest marks for his maths exam an excellence.
Wednesday I was in class and got a text through. I immediately went to make a call. To my mama, she had surgery about 3 weeks ago for breast cancer having both removed. Everyone blew me away from her strength and positive mindframe, hubbys endless support. The kids coping well, other support from family. She’s had just been back to the surgeon. To be told the surgery was a complete success. She is officially CANCER FREE!!! that’s right no more cancer. I got back to class and just lost it, my class was incredibly supportive and sent me out for some time to process. Then as a class went to dinner and one shouted me a beer to celebrate.
The rest of the week has been about family since were all on school holidays. Hubby treated me to lots of cooking goodies and then since I’m entering a cooking comp soon. He got all the ingredients for me to practice plus a bottle of wine. I’ve love cooking for everyone, dinner together. Easter goodies. Plus our pinic with our extended family. The first since me and sailor have been back in contact felt like a huge milestone. Oh and then we had a cyclone. I was scared especially when my hubby had to drive back to his place in the middle of it, but by morning we had clear skies.
I feel like I’ve had a small break through today. My Anxiety’s been pretty high.I’ve felt unorganised, overwhelmed. In a sense out of control. My girls been playing up but thanks to my hubby chatting to her she’s turned a corner. He also did such a amazing job working on our yard its lookkng massive. I hung out with my boy today and best mate. Then tonight cooked a massive healthy meal, cleaned, and sorted my diary and to do list for school. I’ve had a chance to stop now and have realised a few things
That I can have positives without waiting for the ball to drop. I need to focus on the positives more then my fears. Like hubby working on his recovery and doing so well. He’s making me so proud. Just to hear him laugh is magic. That even with the ups n downs I am a good mum raising great kids. With the last four months surrounded by sickness and the fear of losing two of my best friends, I’ve realised I need to look at life not death. Im grateful to be on holidays, I also am facing triggers which is going to help me in the long term. I start counciling in a few days I’ve been more anxious then I realised about it. Telling another person my story. Having to trust someone new. The biggest having to face some of the situations from the past 4 months I’d rather not. But for myself and my family I’ll do it. I’ll battle on I’ll keep myself mentally well. And I’ll focus on the positives that are happening instead of the negative. Sorry for the novel bloggers time for bed. Have a great week
Sitting here just winding down I’m feeling pretty lucky. I have my first practical kitchen assessment in the morning 3 hours 3 dishes 3 sauces and a work plan. Yesterday I got the ingredients together to practice one of my dishes, loved having my hubby n kids try it. It boosted me up, I made errors but I knew why and how to change them. Spent time with my little family and went on to study completing my work plan.
Then today I woke spent time with my mama and extended family, organising a family picnic next week, headed to school to print out my work. And back home to spend time with my hubby. He surprised me by buying prawns, scallops and squid so I could practice more for my assessment. Add my sweet chilli sauce and made a burnt butter sauce.
We chatted about my food, and assessment. You know what blows me away. The support I have from not only my kids but my hubby. I’ve realised this weekend I’ve come along way. I know a lot more then I realised. Sailor was asking me so many questions, and turns out I know more French terms then I believed I did.
To hear my hubby say he believes in me, that I’ve got this. Has gone along way n boosting my confidence up. It still surprises me. Ive spent my life with people telling me I’d amount to nothing, that I’m useless, and the sad part I believed them. So instead of sitting here anxious I’m instead excited but nervous. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I cant wait to get in the kitchen. My passion and drive has over come the complete utter fear.
Also a big part of study means I’ve felt pulled between life as a student and that of a wife and mum. I’m trying to find the balance so I told my 8 year old she could make banana pancakes. So proud we had mum n daughter time. And my girl felt so proud dishing up her very own pudding. Help he collect the ingredients, make the batter then cook them, was awesome. She even flipped them herself. Before we know it our girl will be able to make them all on her own. Getting home from dropping hubby off my boy told me just how happy he is that were standing time as a family, eating meals together and just chatting, laughing all being g playful.
So as I sit here knowing I have a hubby who loves me, kids who a growing up so well, my school stuff ready for the morning. I’m realise that despite the challenges we as a family face that I’m one lucky women. And I’m more grateful now for what I have then I ever have.