I’m a little nervous if I’m honest

Everyone knows my mums has cancer. I’m heading to the doctors after school. There’s a genetics test I may have to do to see if I have the breast cancer gene. As we have a family history and a few months ago I have breast changes. So I’ve been told I have to go in and have a full exam done. I’m nervous for a few reasons, firstly I’m fiercely private the thought of the exam ties me up in knots. I’m worried about the changes even though highly likely to be hormonal. And the results either I’m negative or positive, if neg awesome but if positive I’ll have an 80% chance of developing breast cancer. Pretty scary. I’ll get it done but I really want to reach out to hubby but I won’t. I’m greatful for school so I’m distracted. Also happy I contact hubby on Saturday and heard back quickly even for him. And I got a goodnight text from him last night. So while I’m scared and nervous I’ve got positives. And hell I’ve been through worse over the last few months so should be a walk in the park

Damn my hubby

Has blind sided me three times in a week. Firstly when I saw him. Secondly when he finally responded to my text then last night he reached out and text me. No pressure, no prompting just him wanting to message. I’m loving it, the little things matter the most. But I’m no sure how to proceed. I didn’t think I’d see him again but I did. I didn’t plan on what would happen if he reacted as well as he did. Then I didn’t think he’d respond to my message then he did. And mostly didn’t expect a text out of the blue. I’m so excited by this really am. But I’m shocked and lost. I’m trying to be calm cool and slow. But I’m not sure what to do next. I keep reaching for my phone to contact him. But my fears of rejection are stopping me. Yet I’m sitting here missing him like crazy. Just want to hug him again

My moods are like a roller coaster

Earlier my son when to give me a hug good night. He’s goes nah mum a proper big hug. He’s a kid who is sweet at 14 he still give me a hug and I love yous countless times a day, before he leaves the house, when he get home, bedtime etc. But it was different.  I said to him whats gotten into you bub and he goes mum I’m happy your happy. When your sad we’re sad. I melted and felt grateful I have such a good teen.

Spoke to my mama she’d had a good day. Rung my best mate and she was happy n we organise us going to dinner at hers tomorrow night.

I had a great but tiring day at school. I’ve realised I’m a lot more knowledgeable about food then I realised, I’m answer questions. I felt like I was asking stupid questions but my chef/tutor was impressed by what I was asking and said so. We were in the kitchen for the first time and I felt I’d come home. We are on real basics today but it brought me confidence.

I picked my baby up from after school care and said don’t forget mum I’m cooking tonight. The teachers looked at me like I was mad when I replied sweet as bub as long as you put dinner on as soon as you get home. She’s 8 and loves cooking helping. She made her tuna rice dinner by her self and proudly dished it up to her brother.

I didn’t hear from my hubby today. Its a catch 22. Because part of me was algood about it, because he needs to get well. Part of me was wanting to text him all day about different things. Like in class we were talking about different bacteria etc and I knew the terms and lots about it cause my hubby spoke of it often. Heck I just want to tell him I’m studying again that I did go back. The other part is frustrating. I have a day off tomorrow and want to text n see if he wants to meet. But I won’t because I made a deal with myself I could text him for his birthday but the next contact had to be from him reaching out. I need to know even with the progress that he wants to fight for me to. Silly I know but I won’t be the only one fighting all the time. 

Now as I lay here I realise just how big this week has been and I’m feeling drained. So many positives have happen after weeks of hell. I’m tired but not. My body hurts but it shows I’ve been working hard. 

I’m feeling right at this moment sad. Because I want to see my sailor and just curl up with his arms around me and sleep. 

My roller coaster moods are challenging as I’m trying to be up beat in front of everyone. Feels quite lonely

I’m super happy right this moment

As everyone knows what’s happening with my hubby and the fact today’s his birthday. I’d text him just so he knew I was here. I finished a long but good day from school heading home turned the stereo up to as loud as it would go. I checked the time and saw a text. In disbelief I put it down. Then picked it up again. It was there still. A text from my husband. After more then 8 weeks he had responded to me. A simple thank you beautiful lady. I burst into tears. Then I was getting ready for bed and my mum rung. She asked if I had a good day when Isaid I did, she asked if I wanted some more good news. Excited I said hell yes. She told me she texted mh hubby today and he replied to her to!!! A simple thank you ba. Everyone calls her ba its her nickname. 

I get it sounds so simple, not a big deal. But to me he made two baby steps today that to me a huge. He responded not once but twice. We didn’t expect him to at all. I’m proud he reached out. I had hope from seeing him and its validated me in the fact that there’s still hope. To do the opposite of what he has been is massive in my eyes and I’m proud of him for that. We have a long way to go, but we’ve started the journey back to each other. With support we’ll make it. We’ll come out stronger and better then before. 

I was running on the petrol light I needed emotional fuel. I’m on the 1/4 line now. One thing I loved about my husband is I felt protected and safe in a way I’d never experienced before. When I saw him the other night and he pulled me to him for a hug, I felt overwhelmed by my emotions. I started shaking really badly I held on to him with everything then I realised he was literary holding me up. Hi arms tightly keeping me from falling. I felt safe I felt protected. I felt despite the clear hell he’s living he found the strength for me in that moment. My husband was still there he gave me what I needed and I needed for him to be strong for me. 

I’m in this with my guard up and eyes wide open. I’m protecting myself. I’m under no illusion that we have a battle on our hands. There’s a lot to work through. But having these things happen along side my kids supporting their mama and me starting school. I’ve found a new strength to keep going. I’m proud that I’ve found out how strong I really am. How far I’ve come. How I can be me and be married I’ve fought for myself and I’m proud of me. How I can have my world ripped apart but still with each step work through it. 

Today is

Valentines day but most importantly my husbands birthday a young 49. I wanted to be the first to wish him a happy birthday so just text him just after midnight. I need him to know I’m thinking of him and love him. I’m prepared for him not to respond. Its ok. But it does sting a little. Its baby steps. He still doesn’t know and won’t until he comes home about the cards in the truck. I’m a cake decorator and am feeling lost not planning and making him a cake. Last year I made him a garden cake with mini fondant veggies. I was so proud of that cake and he loved it. I love spoiling people on there birthdays, making there favourite foods and giving them gifts. Its so different. My hubby doesn’t like his birthdays, so I toned it down last year but tried to make it special. Valentines day for me isn’t the same since its his day. But I love to acknowledge it and spend time with him. I’m so grateful I’ve seen him when I did though. But I just want more then anything is to be by his side, no words just holding each other and just being. I hope my darling sailor tries to have a good day and knows we love him so much

What a day

My first day in class for my chef training, I loved it felt like I was back home. Its going to do me good, something positive to focus on and a distraction. Felt good getting out of the house.

My girl had her first day of after school care and loved it. My boy had cooking and proudly brought home some treats he made us. They’re both over tired and emotional but so happy to hear their sailors ok.

I chatted to my mum. She’s having a nervous day the cancer society is going to see her tomorrow where she’ll get information. I want to be there with her but mama put her foot down and told me to go to school.

I’ve had so many messages and calls about my husband today. People are incredibly supportive but suddenly gone into over protective mode. I believe people think I’m just going to forget the last few months have him home and carry on. Don’t get me wrong I do wish that could happen. But I won’t allow it. We both have a lot to deal with, my eyes are wide open. There has to be support in place and things dealt with before that could even be talked about. I’m going to text him tomorrow for his birthday. But then its up to him for a while to fight for our marriage to. He needs to get himself well. But for the time being I’m basking in the joy of the few precious moments we shared. I’m going to allow myself to think positive and hold onto the hope. I need to refill my tanks so before I face the reality of the mountain we have to climv I’m just going to enjoy the moment

The back story of finding my husband

Yesterday being our anniversary I was struggling, unable to focus, I felt triggered, sad, frustrated. I felt this wasn’t going to end and I felt powerless. So I finally rung his friend and boss. I left him a message explaining I loved sailor, but I needed a forwarding address so I could get his stuff to him. My best mate turned up we were discussing again what I could do, i was scared coz earlier I’d found a half empty packet of panadol in sailors truck. He hated taking this even when he was sick. I sent alarm bells. Then his boss rung. Upset I told him sailor had been in hospital I wanted the best for him a and how much I loved him, that I needed to know where he was to drop his stuff off. I explain sailor wouldn’t end the marriage, i asked if he’d been ok at work a few weeks ago and he replied he wasn’t and wasn’t himself. He then gave me sailors address and told me sorry he couldn’t be more help and if I needed anything to call.

With this I rung my mum told her she came straight over to watch the kids. I briefly told my son I’d found him my boy smiled so hard. I cuddled my girl and I got his wedding ring. Me n my bestmate got in my car and headed straight him. I was so nervous believing that the end of my marriage was close.

We arrived at the accommodation he was staying at a lovely lady let us in and showed us to his room. I knocked on the door and there was my husband. The look of shock at seeing us then he melted. I said please just give me a minute she nodded and I followed him out side, my bf waited behind. I stood in front of him and his eyes were down. I asked him to look at me as he looked up he saw my wedding ring and he had tears. He told me he didn’t know what to say. I replied don’t say anything just listen. I told him i know your sick, you need time (i could see how much pain he was in) but do you want me to wait he looked me straight in the eyes and said please wait. Iasked him if he remebered day it was and he said of course I couldn’t forget our anniversary. He come forward and wrapped me in the tightest hug, having to hold me up because I was shaking so bad. I whispered I love you and he said he loved me to. He told me he feels useless, and he described how he’s been feeling. Tears streaming down his face. I gently lift his face and told him he’s intelligent, smart, loving and no useless. He pulled me into another hug. I whisper baby I’m not leaving you, I’m not abandoning you, I’ll wait, that he’s my best friend and husband, all his stuffs still at home. That he has 5 children, a grandchild and a wife who needs and loves him. I pulled away and told him he had no Idea what I’d done to find him and he thanked me for finding him and not giving up. I told him he’d better not take off again cause I’d go back to being the crazy stalker bitch and find him he laughed. He hugged me again I asked him if I should go, not wanting to push him. He nodded. I said one more thing he asked what. I told him I had his ring in the car and could I give it back to him. He smiled through tears and said please. 

I walked past my bf and she looked puzzled I replied I’m getting his ring. I raced to the car and straight back. I walked back to them and she gave him a hug and was reassuring him. I looked at him and handed him his ring. He slipped it straight on. I told him I’d go and to make contact when he’s ready. I asked if he had the same number and he said yes, I replied I knew it your a stubborn prick he smiled and said you are to. We hugged, told each other we loved each other. And I walked away.

Getting into the car me and my bestie burst into tears. She goes hunny he loves you. She’d told him I’d not given up. He told her he wanted to ring and text everyday but didn’t know what to say and he was so sorry. He thanked her for looking after us.

Getting home I was able to tell my mum and kids I’d seen him and he was ok. The relief was instant. And while this doesn’t take away the pain and heartache we’ve been through its given me answers a short 5-10 visit. Its given me a lot of hope that somehow we can begin slowly to navigate this together. I’m so greatful I got to see for myself that he is alive. I see how mentally unwell he is and that breaks me but it also backs what mybgut has been screaming at me for 8 weeks 1 day. We have one hell of a road ahead of us, but one we both want together. I feel blessed to have seen him, hold each other and hear the beautiful words I love you. My husband held me the same way on our wedding day. I’m dealt o the fact this is a baby step. But answers Idesperately sort for weeks. I know I’ll wait for him and walk beside him as he gets his health worked on. We face challenges as individuals, a couple and as a family. But I truly am grateful

I’ve found my husband and he’s safe

I’m in shock I’ll keep it brief tonight cause I start school in the morning an do need sleep. But I found him, he’s still really sick, but he wants us and his rings back on. He has a roof over his head and is ok. I’m grateful and relieved

1:42am 12/02/2017

Two years since my sailor asked me if it was appropriate if he hit on me. I giggled and said yes. We joked about it often. Early hours of the morning and I want to sleep. But instead my mind is playing our relationship over and over like an old record that won’t stop. Last night prepared I spend hours cleaning to tire myself old, wrote cards to hubby, I had a long hot shower, I listened to my sleep meditation 3 times and fell asleep for half an hour and I’ve been wide awake since.

4 different dbt therapy techniques. Avoid avoiding. Self soothing, distraction and mindfulness meditation. Fat lot of good that did. I’m wanting and needed the impossible. I shouldn’t be alone I should have my husband here with me. Instead he’s god knows where mentally unwell with no one. I need answers. I’m at a stop light that won’t change. I’m trying everything to move forward and I’m getting road blocks every step of the way. I’m lost, I’m broken, I don’t know what to do. Time is not going to help at this point. Until his belongings are gone I have a constant in my face reminder that triggers me. A lawyer told me I can’t get rid of any off hmit without his permission. I’m trying to convince myself he’s gone forever, then I’m reminded that not matter what I do I’m screwed, I’m still considered married, the day he left because he was having a breakdown they’ve said he legal wasn’t of sane mind to make such a decision. But the let him say no contact. The laws on his side, mental health and the hospital is on his side. The support people I have agree that without even a simple answer they cant see a way for me to move forward. I feel trapped by a system that have be negligent to both my husband and I. There’s no way out there’s no way forward. I’m stuck in A hold and all I want is for him safe and home where he belongs. What the hell have I don’t so bad to suffer such a living hell

When a quote really speaks to you

I found this today and read it to my mum. Its what we’re all wanting for my husband. I just sat here writing him a card for three special occasions happening over the next few days. One for our 2nd anniversary, one for his birthday and one for valentines day. I put it in his truck with a postit note and some little chocolates. Maybe I’m mad, maybe I’m crazy but I hope one day he’ll read them and know I didn’t forget. I’m trying to be real and I know I won’t see him or hear from him tomorrow for our anniversary, but hope has me praying for the miracle that he finally reaches out. My head says I’m an idiot but my heart wants him so much. I’m a fool in love. But one day he has to pick his truck up and maybe then he’ll see them and read them