So much pain

I’m sitting in the spot the same one. Except this time I’m alone. When my sailor proposed Oct 2015 I was shocked. He didn’t have a ring and that was ok. We talked and he wanted the perfect ring for me. We looked through jewellers and nothing was right for him. He said it had to feel right. I told him I didn’t care if he spent $20 or $2000. I honestly didn’t mind. I told him how much I loved him and it was about what the ring meant more then anything. We talked more I really wanted amethyst. We heard it was cheaper then we thought to get one designed. He began freaking out that he couldn’t transfer the idea to paper so we agreed on our anniversary he’d give it to me. It took the pressure off. I found out a few weeks ago he began designing it in the being of November took about three months to have it done exactly how he wanted it. As it got closer I began getting more excited. 2 days before our anniversary (a year ago today) he went into town, he came back weird, he seemed a mixed between nervous, terrified and excited. He told me the ring wouldn’t be ready on our anniversary. I will admit I was a little dissapointed. I was sitting in our carport after making us a coffee I rolled a ciggy, sailor sitting with me. All of a sudden he gets up comes to me and got down on one knee, he opened the ring box and asked me a second time to marry him. I told him of course I’ll marry you. I was near tears yet beaming as we kissed. I looked at the ring and my god. Before me was the most stunning unique one of a kind ring I’d ever seen. I’m a simple girl with simple taste. I slipped it on my finger and it fit perfectly he has measured my finger so many times to make sure it was perfect. He had designed a silver amethyst ring with a simple band shaped as a tear drop. He looked at me and said its a tear drop because babe from tears to happiness. We’d meet in dbt therapy so it fit us 100% it sat on my finger like it always belonged there. Here I was with an amazing fiancĂ© so intelligent, sexy, kind, passionate, loving. I knew I just knew he was mine. I didn’t realise at the time but amethyst is also his birth stone. Just felt like everything slipped into place. He was so happy, we were so happy. 

Now I sit here a year later and I’m alone with my memories. And the world feels wrong. I know the love we have. The amazing relationship we had. And it makes me more confused. Confused to how my whole life is now the way it is. I don’t understand. I still want him I still would say yes over any over. Instead of sitting here in pure happiness and joy I sit here in pain and disbelief, tears ready to flow and I remember such a powerful moment in my life

Feeling so down

So re dyed my hair bright red. Stupid but usually helps me boost my moods. This time bitter sweet cause the last time I was a red head sailor coloured it for me coz he loves me with red hair. Also finally noticing my weight loss I’m down about 5kgs. Which I’ve wanted to lose for a long time. Wish I’d not let myself go so much. Finally even waxed my crazy eye brows. Trying to pick myself up