A few days ago felt like something shifted. A weight has been lifted. Things seemed more settled at home. Little things have eased my fears for the moment. Truly grateful for this. I really needed a break from my own mind. Yesterday my sailor went away for work. It’s weird. I got so use to him being home for a month. Now he’s off on another adventure for a week. As much as I’m missing him. I’m also so proud of him. This past week he has blown me away in so many ways. He’s shown me a strength that I admire. The road to wellness can be a bumpy one. Highs and lows. But when change happens it brings a sense of Hope and pride. To see your best friend facing challenges in such positive and determined ways brings a sense of happiness. I wish my words could express how I’m feeling. Knowing he’s allowing me to walk by his side as he faces the highs and lows of life and all it brings. It makes all worth it. I’m a proud wife and so grateful to my sailor
Had taken my son under their wing. 14 going on 15 soon. I meet his father at 17. I’d not long had a parnter died from a drug overdose. Life was challenging. His father left when I was 6 months pregnant. After cheating on me, throwing me across the room. Life was hard I had my beautiful boy and man my life changed. 18 years, a single mama to an amazing child. The last time his father saw him was 18 months old nothing since. Over the years it was just him and I. His sister come along when he was 6.
For years people would come into this child’s life and he’d grow attached. Then they’d be gone. He develop trust issues. Preferring not to get close to people. Easier that way.
My hubby and son have gotten along, but they’re so similar. They both escape into different electronics. My son his gaming and YouTube. My hubby YouTube and movies. Things went downhill for them I feel last year. When hubby left my son broke. Scared still he let hubby back in. I felt they gain a new kind of bond. Laughter, weirdness. They’ve never talked much. But my son looks up to him. Speaks of him highly. Loves him like a dad. Hubby to has been the same.
Lately they’ve been challenged again. Both dig their toes in. My hubby frustrated by small things he does. Alot is teenage stuff. But specially the gaming. And sulking when asked to do something. So in turn gets his back up. And retreats.
My boy feels like he’s in trouble for small things. Many things hubby himself does.
I can see both sides. Six of one half a dozen of the other. My boy is scared he’ll up in leave like everyone else so goes into himself. My hubby has talked of wanting him to become a great man able to fend for himself in life. I want the same. But we do have different ways of wanting to get to the same goal. I’ve tried to talk to both hubby n my son bout it this week. Both got their backs up. I know I get super protecive of my boy. But at the same time I do with hubby.
They have such different Hobby’s and out looks on life. Where hubby loves the outdoors, gardening, building stuff etc. My son loves been safe at home in gaming world. They’ve tried doing things together before. The last thing, hubby wanted to do it all the time and my son began to not enjoy it and they both packed a shit n stopped. It’s hard because it’s all or nothing for them both. My son is more mainstream with goals and my hubby more unconventional.
Being a parent full-time brings different challenges. My hubby has 3 older children all girls. They’re in a different country so he’s had a very different parenting experience to me. I understand he’s not gone through many o the the issues. I just wish he’d lighten up in someways. He’s such a over all good kid. He doesn’t drink, do drugs, smoke or girls. He’s home, he is respectful. He does excellence at school. He in ways is a typical teen regarding chores but still. I know I’ve raised a good boy.
I wish hubby and son would find a way to share themselve and knowledge with each other. Theyre both so intelligent. They’re kind and loving. They’re humor is so different but they’re so funny. I wish they’d tell each other the things they tell me.
I feel for my boy once his sister came along alot of people had more in common with her. She’s a social kid people gravitate towards her. I’ve felt for years my son has missed out. Maybe it’s their ages. It’s not just with hubby but with many. She’s easy to do thibgs with. My boy zause of experience has isolated away from people.
I just wish someone aside from me had taken this child which he still is under there wing. I can’t force it. But I’ve cried about it many times. My only son has struggled In His short time and I wish he was more easily understood. I look at my boy wanting better then I had. I want him to believe in people. I hope my hubby and son can make changes and acknowledge what each do on the positive side not just the negatives. In just over 3 years my son’s an adult. I want him to find his place in this world yet have us still with a feirce bond. Wmi want my boy to want to come home he he’s an adult. I wish people would give my son the chance he deserves
Is in my head. When gut instincts are correct. When there’s tension between those you love. When changes are meet with resintance. When you know life will never be perfect, nor do you expect it to be. When you feel the fimilar slide of life and it tears at you heart. When you feel like you can’t win. And despite your best efforts you realise that if change does not happen this could all be the beginning of the end…
What if I had picked up the signs earlier?
What if I hadn’t found him again?
What if my fears do happen?
What if I royally fuck it all up?
What if I miss signals?
What if my minds is playing tricks on me?
I feel under pressure. I saw my therapist this morning. She thinks I’m doing well. Acknowledging my fears. Realising that I did everything. Pushing forward. Opening up to people about how I’m feeling. But she gets me thinking. She asks so many questions. Yup that’s her job but sometimes it’s to hard. I don’t have many answers. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. Studying, working, family, our home. I love my family more then anything. I don’t want to lose them by pushing to hard on my career. They’re nothing but supportive, and there for me. It’s short term with such huge hours. But I get home and look at my hubby. My feelings overwhelm me. I missed him so much whene he was gone. That feeling that I’d never get him back. Laying there at night Wondering where he was, if he was safe. I have nightmares. That I’d never found him again. That id found him and he didn’t want to know me. I have horrific ones which lead me to have anxiety. I’m working through them. Dealing with triggers. They’re my issue I know. Ive made so many mistakes in the past and I feel so selfish taking all this time for me. What if I’m away from home so much my hubby feels like he’s not my proiety. What if I’m away so much my kids start resenting me. What if my hubby feels I’m leaving the kids with him to much. Why can’t I find the balance. I barely see my mum or bestmate anymore. I always tired. I love my course and want to be a fully qualified chef. I’m so close but I’m scared I’ll lose everything else I’ve work for years for. I try to express how I’m feeling but words don’t translate what’s going on in my head. I’m sitting here after working 2 nights and again tomorrow. And I’m close to tears. Made it’s tiredness maybe it’s pms. Maybe I’ve taking to much on. Maybe I shouldve focused on being the best wife and mum I could be. Instead of sitting here feeling like I’m failing my husband and children.
All made from scratch
My Danish pastry
My puff and ruff puff pastry
Mushroom, chicken and bacon risotto
It’s been an emotional week from me. I’ve felt tired. Worked out I’m pulling 50-60 hour weeks between school, work and work experience. I feel like my family’s missing out. But they’ve been incredibly supportive. I decided to look at my positives I’m taking school seriously I want to not only be proud of myself. But I’m also wanting to make my family proud. To show them that there patience has been worth it. Because at the end of the day it’s family first. I’d give it all up in a heartbeat. But I’m grateful I can do what I love and am passionate about and still have my hubby and kids by my side.
Last night releasing my thoughts calmed me a little. One bonus about being so busy is I’m finally sleeping bit better. I woke today thinking about a conversation with my sailor. He’s one that doesn’t remember his dreams. But one he did. We we’re both in it looking at land. In life we are working so hard towards our future. To buy land, build. Extending Hubby’s gardening business. Me studying, to finally be qualified as a chef. To open my own container cafe. To teach the kids. Things like his dream just push me in the right direction. Despite everything the hardships things are coming together. I look at my husband and know without a doubt I made the right choice to keep fighting for us. I wish it hadn’t happened but the past few month seeing us coming together stronger makes it worth it. I still have questions. But seeing the bonds grow is magic. Its like him n my boy have a stronger bond now then Before. I have a confidence with our relationship and family unit that I didn’t have before. Its made me strong as a women and in turn as a wife and mother.
Everything is a work in progress which I understand and respect. I just can’t help but want to speed up the process. I want to continue to build the foundation to a great life. Open discussion and honestly is a must. Its so important. Hearing others truly hearing them. Being mindful with my responses. Allowing others to feel heard and accepted. Trying to keep a level head when I hear things I’d rather not. Things that hurt me even though I’m grateful for the truth. I’m feeling pulled between wanting to acknowledge events that have happened, yet knowing I’ll never truly have the answers I feel I need for closure. Im not ready to ask those questions that can not undo the hurt. Yet left unsaid is keep the wound gaping and raw. My need to protect myself and others is putting strain on life. Yet I can’t face that I can’t protect those I love from the experiences they have and will face.
Tonight I rung my mama. She sounds so scared, one of her wound sites was sore and swollen. Worried she went straight to the doctors. Luckily everything was ok and they’ll monitor her 🙂
I was lucky enough t catch up with hubby, mum, my best mate. So happy to have some laughs. I asked my man to price a few buckets I needed and when he got back he said he’d forgotten. Ok so no biggy. Then he comes out with 2 purple buckets. I know its silly but I’ve wanted them for ages and I was super happy.
I had a trigger though. Putting me instantly on edge. The police turned up at my neighbours. I went into instant protect my hubby mode. Silly because he’s a grown man but I was scared it may trigger him cause they caused so much hell for us. Bit once again my hubby showed me I don’t need to do it. He’s come so far n makes me so proud.
Yesterday I was feeling unwell. I had the beginning of a migraine. By early evening it had hit hard. Hubby had to head back to where he’s staying but after my girl tucked mummy into bed, he cuddled up with me and covered me with his shirt. Giving me such comfort. I woke in time to put my girl to bed, grateful my son had looked after his sister and made her dinner. I’d looked in the fridage and found sailor had brought us a few bottles of milk cause we were low. I end up vomiting and struggling but still had comfort from hubby via phone.
Woke this morning feeling so much better. My 8 year old proudly showed me the to do list she’d written. My hubby had worked on the gardens. While my son without being asked cleaned up the kitchen, his room, cut his hair n cleaned up n had a shower.
Took hubby back to his place we stopped in at the hardware store. It felt like old times joking and playing around. He treated me to this matting stuff I’ve needed. I told him just because I say I want something doesn’t me I expect to get it. It reminds me of when we we’re first dating and he brought me art pencils. Its not about the stuff but the fact he actually listens and remembers. Its all the small things that he does, not buying stuff but everything. His thoughtfulness, his laughter, his love that made me stick by him, all that pain and uncertainty, is worth it. To know I 100% made the right choice to wait for this man. I may not have gone the right ways about it but our love kept me going. And he and us is worth everything.
I had a awesome conversation with my son tonight which put me at ease with how he’s feeling.
And Im just sitting here thankful for the little things I have.
Of not being able to sleep. And I’m super frustrated. Days I’m doing ok, good even. I’m getting ahead with the house and studies. I’ve spent time with my kids. I have my younger cousin staying so cooked a yummy dinner, first time making chicken diane. Was delicious. Talked to hubby earlier. He sounds like he’s having a good time away at work. I’m missing him like crazy but happy he’s happy.
My mum got her final clearance from the cancer specialist today. She doesn’t have to go back for a year. Crazy to think 2 and a half months ago she was told she had breast cancer and now thabks to her radical treatment with surgery she’s free of cancer. I’m stoked.
My girl goes to the hospital tomorrow to get a new full cast on. She’s doing well but frustrated she can’t do what she normally does. Looking forward to hearing exactly where the break is and how long she’s going to have the cast for.
Last month I finally got glasses. Needed them from about 16. I decided together my kids eyes tested. My girls are fine and she doesn’t need glasses. However toke my son today. And I was shocked to say the least. He needs glasses which he’s ok about. As part of a government scheme for under 16 year olds we are lucky he gets two pairs neqrlly $700 worth for free. What’s got me worried is as a child he had a slight lazy eye. It seems to have corrected itself. But today we discovered he still has issues with that eye. When he focuses instead of both eyes looking in, his left flicks out. That parts fixable. He has daily exercises to correct it which I’m grateful. One of the main reasons I wanted them check was because he’s regularly getting headaches. The optometrist was really concerned because they’re only at the front left behind his eye. She is worried about (excuse my spelling) him have glaucoma. Essentially a condition that can cause him to go blind in that eye. She did further tests which were ok. But she’s strongly advised that I get him check again in 3 months. Because she can’t explain the headaches. And she said while he’s not common this young its def not unheard of. Just worries me. I’m feeling guilt that it’s taken so lo g to take him in. I should’ve years ago, but didnt realise. I don’t want my son to go blind in that eye full stop. But if he does cause of my inactions just is eating me up.
I’ve got a night of from my kids tomorrow. But like the past 6 months I don’t get a break. I have therapy then hospital for my girl. The next morning therapy again then work. And Hubby’s away and not back till friday. I’m desperate for a real break. I haven’t had one in the time without having school, therapy, work, and everything else. I’m trying to be strong for everyone. But I miss taking care of myself and for a night not having to worry about anything.