Writing helped

Last night releasing my thoughts calmed me a little. One bonus about being so busy is I’m finally sleeping bit better. I woke today thinking about a conversation with my sailor. He’s one that doesn’t remember his dreams. But one he did. We we’re both in it looking at land. In life we are working so hard towards our future. To buy land, build. Extending Hubby’s gardening business. Me studying, to finally be qualified as a chef. To open my own container cafe. To teach the kids. Things like his dream just push me in the right direction. Despite everything the hardships things are coming together. I look at my husband and know without a doubt I made the right choice to keep fighting for us. I wish it hadn’t happened but the past few month seeing us coming together stronger makes it worth it. I still have questions. But seeing the bonds grow is magic. Its like him n my boy have a stronger bond now then  Before. I have a confidence with our relationship and family unit that I didn’t have before. Its made me strong as a women and in turn as a wife and mother. 

I feel silly

But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man

Today is

Valentines day but most importantly my husbands birthday a young 49. I wanted to be the first to wish him a happy birthday so just text him just after midnight. I need him to know I’m thinking of him and love him. I’m prepared for him not to respond. Its ok. But it does sting a little. Its baby steps. He still doesn’t know and won’t until he comes home about the cards in the truck. I’m a cake decorator and am feeling lost not planning and making him a cake. Last year I made him a garden cake with mini fondant veggies. I was so proud of that cake and he loved it. I love spoiling people on there birthdays, making there favourite foods and giving them gifts. Its so different. My hubby doesn’t like his birthdays, so I toned it down last year but tried to make it special. Valentines day for me isn’t the same since its his day. But I love to acknowledge it and spend time with him. I’m so grateful I’ve seen him when I did though. But I just want more then anything is to be by his side, no words just holding each other and just being. I hope my darling sailor tries to have a good day and knows we love him so much

Get real world

If you have depression or any other more mental illness like bpd you don’t just get over it. Getting told to take care of yourself is the way to go. Put you first. Blah blah blah mental illness doesn’t work that damn way. And for people like me do everything in their power to get well it makes it so much worse. I can’t just put me first I have two children. Yes I do put me n them first. I cook, clean, take care of to businesses, 10 chickens, gardens, study, shower. Eat, sleep. Telling me to just move on or get over it does not help me. I makes me feel worse. Getting offended if I don’t feel up to talking or disrespecting what I right. Judging me and how I’m handling this situation is pure bullshit. If it was just a break up of the marriage sweet I’d know time heals I’d be able to greive. But knowing know my husband has not been seen by anybody including his team causes panic and anxiety. And I’m fucken sorry to those who disagree but you cant just stop worrying, caring and loving g someone. I don’t even know if I’m married or separated. So to hell with the haters. I’m doing the best I can in a situation that most people haven’t been in. If your only going to write negative shit on here you will have your comments deleted and I’ll block your arse. Because the last thing I need is know it alls telling me how I should feel and what I should be doing 

Trying to move forward

I always believe to trust your gut. Stuff ya head and heart go with the gut. Well my guts saying hold on, my hearts saying you love him and your vows and my heads trying to convince both to move on.

Its not that simple moving on. Especially when his truck and belongings are all still here. There’s no where to take these to. And with no contact I’ve had no luck in having them picked up. I’m not heartless nor a bitch I won’t just dump it or get rid of it. I’ve removed some photos but its not helped. 

I’ve spent the day using my dbt skills, distraction by cleaning the house. Opposite action, when I wanted to curl up in a ball and instead went for a coffee at my mums. I’m trying radical acceptance, trying to accept he’s gone and not coming back. But my hearts not in it. One minute I’m ok the next I’m a mess. I’m fighting to bring my mood n energy levels up, even ate a little more even tho I feel sick. My sciatic nerves been getting worse over the last few weeks n really bad today. Sadly I’m use to my sailor knowing how to help it especially because he’s trained.

Despite all this I thought I got this shit. Then another of sailors mates contacted me. She’s shocked that nothing’s changed. He’s not contacted her or her hubby either. I told her I just have to accept he’s not coming back. With that she said she’d contact his boss/mate I tried to put her off, then she decided she’d try to contact sailor. 

And bam all that work was wasted because my hopes went right back up. Then after a few hours anxiety set in and then disappointment when I didn’t hear from her.

I want hope but I want people to butt out. But I want people to try help. No one is winning I get that. I’m confused. My feelings are overwhelmed. My heads all over the place.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

Yes I’m still do what I have to, taking care of home and the kids. Organising my daughters birthday which is in less then a week. But I’m still waiting. Waiting on everybody to get back to me. I knew the plan was for sailor to be back in our area yesterday. I know it changes his boss can be a prick like that. But be there of the text I sent Sunday night I thought perfect chance for him to pick up his truck. The buses he catches back from work have the chance to stop near our house. But it wasn’t. No one knows if he’s reading messages, if he’s back from work, where he’s staying. My anxiety was so high yesterday being prepared if he did show. Now its up again. I’m waiting on it getting picked up. For the family support lady or advocates to call n see if they can set up a face to face. Waiting to hear if my therapist did contact him and if he responded. Waiting to see if my key worker actually turns up today. To be honest I’m sick of waiting. Its so hard. And you know something I just want him to let me be his wife. I don’t understand why he won’t let me just love and support him. We were good at time s freaking amazing. Despite the bad times I still just want to be there. 

I can’t even

Break up clearly.I was talking to my mum earlier. I told her how much regret I have with ending things. She asked me to show her the text. She read it and smiled. She goes bub I don’t see that as a break up. But being clear on how you fell how’s its making you all feel. Then my best mate said the same thing. All I could reply was shit I can’t even break up clearly. Life’s spinning and don’t know any thing anymore

People are asking

Why? Why now? Why end it when its not what I wanted. I ended it for two reasons. 1. I thought that after everything I tried that it would shock him and open his eyes to what’s happening and how everyone is affected. I thought he’d contact me. I thought It may have made him realise how much I love him with everything I’ve done to try n support him. That maybe it would kick his arse into accepting the help he’s been offered properly. That he’d take it seriously. I was wrong. I made a mistake. I was desperate for something. And I fucked up. 2. I thought I was doing the right things by kids, but there reactions I got that wrong to. My son came to me last night, he’s gutted. I thought given his n sailors struggles he’d be happier instead he’s not. My baby is wanting to go n get him things he might need to put on the truck. Keeps telling me she’s lost her dad. She’s angry with me to. Look i dont blame the kids. 

How can doing so much end so badly. All I wanted was me, sailor n the kids safe and happy. Is that so wrong. To want the man who I made so many plans with. He even started the kids their own businesses so the at they could buy their own houses when we brought ours. We even joked about a 10 year plan. This is not part of the bloody 10 year plan. 18 months into our 3 year savings plan. Half way. How could life be this cruel. We were doing good. Yes we had our problems I’m not going to lie. Bit none big enough to end it all. We were actively sorting issues. We communicated so much better. We had each others backs. In the past I’ve been foolish with the state of my relationships n made many excuses. When depe down I knew they wouldn’t last. But with sailor it was so different. Now I’ve lost him. All for what, I don’t know. I miss him and wish I could undo yesterday. The past 5 weeks. Just want to love him

So disappointed in myself

All I wanted was marriage for life. I knew we’d have ups n down. Amazing times and heart breaking. I regret not following through with sorting out what we’d do if either ended up mentally unwell again. Why we didn’t sort next of kin, wills, advanced directives. All that crazy legal stuff that we hope we wouldn’t need. When the crisis team turned up a week before he left I wish I had spoken up for him. Not brush certain things under the carpet. I wish I’d tried harder when he was packing up his stuff. I wish I’d spent more time with him just him. Just cuddling and laughing. Watching movies and hanging at the beach like we both liked. I let life get in the way. I wish I hadn’t let myself go physically including gaining so much weight. My tiredness all the time. I wish the bight before he left that I had tried to talk to him instead of being stubborn. I have to many regrets and bow I can’t tell him. Most of all I wish he’d believed me when I told him he was worth it and I was so proud of him. That night I wish I’d just sat there and held him so he didn’t feel alone. When he said he didn’t want to be here. I wish I’d realised that he was suicidal. Not how I took it that he didn’t want me. I wish when his support worker had him down the road that I’d just run to him, made him realise what he means to me. 

Instead I’m sitting here alone, devastated regretting the text I sent him a few hours ago. Wishing I’d been stronger and held on. I feel selfish. My son is in shock. My girl came to me and said I’ve lost my dad. She knows he’s step dad but I didn’t realise she saw him as her dad. I feel I’ve let my kids and husband down. And I can’t fix it.

My kids

My 14 year old has completely withdrawn into himself and his gaming. He’s moody and struggling. Not his normal at all. Won’t talk about sailor.

My 7 year old just came to talk to me. She’s wise beyond her years yet so young and innocent. She misses her giggle fart. His cuddles. Watching movies. She said she misses the builder man, gardener man, the funny man. She wants her sailor home the happy one. She doesn’t miss the angry or sad sailor. She wants to fix things. She asked if he was still at his safe house. And I told her he was away for work. She’s pissed she doesn’t think he’s safe there and wants to make him come back. His birthday is 2 weeks after hers we started a tradition on birthdays of the person can pick their fav chips, choc and fizzy. She’s asked me to buy his still. She’s written him letters.

And I’m sitting here trying to bring myself to end things and block him online. Not because I want to I want him home. But trying to be real that after 5 weeks of no answers I have to prepare to move on with my life. If he’s not coming back he has to move his stuff out because seeing it is breaking me. I don’t believe in divorce. If he was violent or cheated I would bit otherwise its not something I believe in. This is way I was anti marriage. I didn’t want me or sailor to go through this. I wish he would properly help himself. To heal. But to be honest I don’t know what his recovery is. I do feel rejected and abandoned. I’m angry at the situation. I’m wishing he and I never suffered from mental illness. I can’t bring myself to make the decisions. Yet feel I have to. Cruel world I’m facing