Death

Please hug your babies a little tight, tell you partner you love them. Ring your mama or dad. Don’t go to sleep angry. Life as you know it can be over in a flash. Last week I found out my ex mother in law passed away. The world I’ve created for myself is changed and due to not wanting to opening old hurt for my ex-step children I stayed away from the funeral. She wasn’t part of my life anymore but she was for a long time. I have a lot of respect for the woman who hard a life that would’ve broken us. I had put her death into a box. Looking at my positives my new life, my loyalty and live is for my husband, my children, my mum. Plodding along this we’re good. Until today when I got a message from my 15 yr old son. All it said was “mum”. Then he told me he found out his best friend who changed schools last year had died yesterday. I raced to my baby he was with the school counselor. He saw me and just cried and let me hug him. His friend was only 15. And he’s dead. He was chilling with 2 mates a few weeks ago, no drugs or drinking. 2 boys went to make something to eat and came back to this child unconscious. They preformed CPR and called an ambulance. He was taking to hospital, and put on life support. Yesterday his parents had to make the devastating decision to turn of his life support. They believe it was a unknown heart problems. The scary part this child had talked for a few years about suicide. It’s broken my son he’s blocked it. Pretending like nothing’s changed. Its self protection. He’s talked to me. But I don’t know what to say. I want to protect him but I can’t. A mama should protect. It’s brought up so much. We have had in many ways a fantastic year. But the trumia we have suffered has been horrific. I nearly lost both my mum and husband this year, had two cancer scares, my daughter bullied severely,  and normal life. And now at 15 fucken years old my son has lost his best friend. Yup life’s not fucken fair. I just want to protect those closer to me and I can only watch as they go through there struggles. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry instead I have to study as I’m graduating in 5 weeks. I really need that magic wand about now.

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Feeling a weight has been lifted

A few days ago felt like something shifted. A weight has been lifted. Things seemed more settled at home. Little things have eased my fears for the moment. Truly grateful for this. I really needed a break from my own mind. Yesterday my sailor went away for work. It’s weird. I got so use to him being home for a month. Now he’s off on another adventure for a week. As much as I’m missing him. I’m also so proud of him. This past week he has blown me away in so many ways. He’s shown me a strength that I admire. The road to wellness can be a bumpy one. Highs and lows. But when change happens it brings a sense of Hope and pride. To see your best friend facing challenges in such positive and determined ways brings a sense of happiness. I wish my words could express how I’m feeling. Knowing he’s allowing me to walk by his side as he faces the highs and lows of life and all it brings. It makes all worth it. I’m a proud wife and so grateful to my sailor

Wish someone

Had taken my son under their wing. 14 going on 15 soon. I meet his father at 17. I’d not long had a parnter died from a drug overdose. Life was challenging. His father left when I was 6 months pregnant. After cheating on me, throwing me across the room. Life was hard I had my beautiful boy and man my life changed. 18 years, a single mama to an amazing child. The last time his father saw him was 18 months old nothing since. Over the years it was just him and I. His sister come along when he was 6. 

For years people would come into this child’s life and he’d grow attached. Then they’d be gone. He develop trust issues. Preferring not to get close to people. Easier that way. 

My hubby and son have gotten along, but they’re so similar. They both escape into different electronics. My son his gaming and YouTube. My hubby YouTube and movies. Things went downhill for them I feel last year. When hubby left my son broke. Scared still he let hubby back in. I felt they gain a new kind of bond. Laughter, weirdness. They’ve never talked much. But my son looks up to him. Speaks of him highly. Loves him like a dad. Hubby to has been the same.

Lately they’ve been challenged again. Both dig their toes in. My hubby frustrated by small things he does. Alot is teenage stuff. But specially the gaming. And sulking when asked to do something. So in turn gets his back up. And retreats.

My boy feels like he’s in trouble for small things. Many things hubby himself does. 

I can see both sides. Six of one half a dozen of the other. My boy is scared he’ll up in leave like everyone else so goes into himself. My hubby has talked of wanting him to become a great man able to fend for himself in life. I want the same. But we do have different ways of wanting to get to the same goal. I’ve tried to talk to both hubby n my son bout it this week. Both got their backs up. I know I get super protecive of my boy. But at the same time I do with hubby.

They have such different Hobby’s and out looks on life. Where hubby loves the outdoors, gardening, building stuff etc. My son loves been safe at home in gaming world. They’ve tried doing things together before. The last thing, hubby wanted to do it all the time and my son began to not enjoy it and they both packed a shit n stopped. It’s hard because it’s all or nothing for them both. My son is more mainstream with goals and my hubby more unconventional.

Being a parent full-time brings different challenges. My hubby has 3 older children all girls. They’re in a different country so he’s had a very different parenting experience to me. I understand he’s not gone through many o the the issues. I just wish he’d lighten up in someways. He’s such a over all good kid. He doesn’t drink, do drugs, smoke or girls. He’s home, he is respectful. He does excellence at school. He in ways is a typical teen regarding chores but still. I know I’ve raised a good boy. 

I wish hubby and son would find a way to share themselve and knowledge with each other. Theyre both so intelligent. They’re kind and loving. They’re humor is so different but they’re so funny. I wish they’d tell each other the things they tell me. 

I feel for my boy once his sister came along alot of people had more in common with her. She’s a social kid people gravitate towards  her. I’ve felt for years my son has missed out. Maybe it’s their ages. It’s not just with hubby but with many. She’s easy to do thibgs with. My boy zause of experience has isolated away from people.

I just wish someone aside from me had taken this child which he still is under there wing. I can’t force it. But I’ve cried about it many times. My only son has struggled In His short time and I wish he was more easily understood. I look at my boy wanting better then I had. I want him to believe in people. I hope my hubby and son can make changes and acknowledge what each do on the positive side not just the negatives. In just over 3 years my son’s an adult. I want him to find his place in this world yet have us still with a feirce bond. Wmi want my boy to want to come home he he’s an adult. I wish people would give my son the chance he deserves

When not everything 

Is in my head. When gut instincts are correct. When there’s tension between those you love. When changes are meet with resintance. When you know life will never be perfect, nor do you expect it to be. When you feel the fimilar slide of life and it tears at you heart. When you feel like you can’t win. And despite your best efforts you realise that if change does not happen this could all be the beginning of the end…

My mind won’t stop

What ifs

What if I had picked up the signs earlier?

What if I hadn’t found him again?

What if my fears do happen?

What if I royally fuck it all up?

What if I miss signals?

What if my minds is playing tricks on me?

I feel under pressure. I saw my therapist this morning. She thinks I’m doing well. Acknowledging my fears. Realising that I did everything. Pushing forward. Opening up to people about how I’m feeling. But she gets me thinking. She asks so many questions. Yup that’s her job but sometimes it’s to hard. I don’t have many answers. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. Studying, working, family, our home. I love my family more then anything. I don’t want to lose them by pushing to hard on my career. They’re nothing but supportive, and there for me. It’s short term with such huge hours. But I get home and look at my hubby. My feelings overwhelm me. I missed him so much whene he was gone. That feeling that I’d never get him back. Laying there at night Wondering where he was, if he was safe. I have nightmares. That I’d never found him again. That id found him and he didn’t want to know me. I have horrific ones which lead me to have anxiety. I’m working through them. Dealing with triggers. They’re my issue I know. Ive made so many mistakes in the past and I feel so selfish taking all this time for me. What if I’m away from home so much my hubby feels like he’s not my proiety. What if I’m away so much my kids start resenting me. What if my hubby feels I’m leaving the kids with him to much. Why can’t I find the balance. I barely see my mum or bestmate anymore. I always tired. I love my course and want to be a fully qualified chef. I’m so close but I’m scared I’ll lose everything else I’ve work for years for. I try to express how I’m feeling but words don’t translate what’s going on in my head. I’m sitting here after working 2 nights and again tomorrow. And I’m close to tears. Made it’s tiredness maybe it’s pms. Maybe I’ve taking to much on. Maybe I shouldve focused on being the best wife and mum I could be. Instead of sitting here feeling like I’m failing my husband and children. 

This week’s creations. 

All made from scratch

My Danish pastry

My puff and ruff puff pastry

Mushroom, chicken and bacon risotto

Chicken roulade with a potato puree and mushroom sauce, made with the help of my son

And my newset toy

My pasta

My first Bailey’s and white chocolate cheese cake

It’s been an emotional week from me. I’ve felt tired. Worked out I’m pulling 50-60 hour weeks between school, work and work experience. I feel like my family’s missing out. But they’ve been incredibly supportive. I decided to look at my positives I’m taking school seriously I want to not only be proud of myself. But I’m also wanting to make my family proud. To show them that there patience has been worth it. Because at the end of the day it’s family first. I’d give it all up in a heartbeat. But I’m grateful I can do what I love and am passionate about and still have my hubby and kids by my side.

Feeling really sad tonight

Everything is a work in progress which I understand and respect. I just can’t help but want to speed up the process. I want to continue to build the foundation to a great life. Open discussion and honestly is a must. Its so important. Hearing others truly hearing them. Being mindful with my responses. Allowing others to feel heard and accepted. Trying to keep a level head when I hear things I’d rather not. Things that hurt me even though I’m grateful for the truth. I’m feeling pulled between wanting to acknowledge events that have happened, yet knowing I’ll never truly have the answers I feel I need for closure. Im not ready to ask those questions that can not undo the hurt. Yet left unsaid is keep the wound gaping and raw. My need to protect myself and others is putting strain on life. Yet I can’t face that I can’t protect those I love from the experiences they have and will face. 

Counting my blessings

Tonight I rung my mama. She sounds so scared, one of her wound sites was sore and swollen. Worried she went straight to the doctors. Luckily everything was ok and they’ll monitor her 🙂

I was lucky enough t catch up with hubby, mum, my best mate. So happy to have some laughs. I asked my man to price a few buckets I needed and when he got back he said he’d forgotten. Ok so no biggy. Then he comes out with 2 purple buckets. I know its silly but I’ve wanted them for ages and I was super happy.

I had a trigger though. Putting me instantly on edge. The police turned up at my neighbours. I went into instant protect my hubby mode. Silly because he’s a grown man but I was scared it may trigger him cause they caused so much hell for us. Bit once again my hubby showed me I don’t need to do it. He’s come so far n makes me so proud.

Yesterday I was feeling unwell. I had the beginning of a migraine. By early evening it had hit hard. Hubby had to head back to where he’s staying but after my girl tucked mummy into bed, he cuddled up with me and covered me with his shirt. Giving me such comfort. I woke in time to put my girl to bed, grateful my son had looked after his sister and made her dinner. I’d looked in the fridage and found sailor had brought us a few bottles of milk cause we were low. I end up vomiting and struggling but still had comfort from hubby via phone.

Woke this morning feeling so much better. My 8 year old proudly showed me the to do list she’d written. My hubby had worked on the gardens. While my son without being asked cleaned up the kitchen, his room, cut his hair n cleaned up n had a shower.

Took hubby back to his place we stopped in at the hardware store. It felt like old times joking and playing around. He treated me to this matting stuff I’ve needed. I told him just because I say I want something doesn’t me I expect to get it. It reminds me of when we we’re first dating and he brought me art pencils. Its not about the stuff but the fact he actually listens and remembers. Its all the small things that he does, not buying stuff but everything. His thoughtfulness, his laughter, his love that made me stick by him, all that pain and uncertainty, is worth it. To know I 100% made the right choice to wait for this man. I may not have gone the right ways about it but our love kept me going. And he and us is worth everything.

I had a awesome conversation with my son tonight which put me at ease with how he’s feeling.

And Im just sitting here thankful for the little things I have. 

When you don’t click

With your new therapist :/ I’ve been twice. I’ll go next week, but unless there’s a vast difference I’ll have to change people. Story of my life. Try to keep well and it doesn’t work. My family therapist and I discussed given it a real go, open, honest, real. To not judge, be open to a new way of a new person. I went in positive but left dispointed. 

Maybe I’m in the wrong, I knew I don’t trust, especially with the past six months of being let down from mental health n doctors. 

Talking to Nicki (the family therapist) I spoke to her about a few concerns from last week and I’ll debrief again tomorrow. But last week I struggled with the lack of Josie’s (new therapists) lack of eye contact. She constantly looked away when she spoke or I was talking. I also left there feeling detached. She like my hubby said that can be normal to be matter of fact with first sessions. Nicki asked me to be a little more open with my struggles to give her the chance to help. Because I have a way of appearing in control and well that I may need to let my walls down. Also talk to her about the eye contact.

So I get there. Head in. She asked about my week. Told her the good ie my mums cancer free. Also the struggles I feel while my Hubby’s at work, my boys eye sight, my girls broken arm, not being able to relax or unwind. She’s replied sounds like a good positive week then. I got my back up, please tell me how my son may have major issues with his eye sight is positive, my baby could fucken go blind. And while trying to express how I feel about mums health, she kept bringing it back to her friend who had cancer????

Anyways I pushed forward keeping calm. And thought right I’m gonna push this women she what she’s made off. So I starting talking about my experiences when I was in contact with my hubby. And she started talking again about her sons struggles with mental health. I observe people a lot so I was watching her closely. She won’t give me eye contact, she looked every where but no eye contact. I found her checking her watch and the clock on the wall to the point I felt uncomfortable. And constant fidgeting with her hands. 

One thing that really got to me was her wording with a few things. I was taking about my experiences having attempted suicide and the past few months with hubby. And her words shocked me. She said it was “hard case”. As in funny haha hard case. 

I stayed for the session but left feeling confused. Especially since she ended the session with just stay positive. No actual advice or guidance to anything I’m going through. And how is any thing I’m going through ” hard fucken case”

Hell am I just being difficult. Or have I been lumped with another idiot? Am I wrong not to give a flying fuck about her son or friends. I don’t need nor want to spend more time talking about them then the reason I’m there. Am I wrong to believe a therapist should be encouraging me to work through my issues. To face things. To offer advice to ideas I can put in place to work through it all. This is why I wanted a phycologist or however you spell it. Not some councilor who doesn’t know there arse from there elbow. I wanted and need someone who’s trained in mental health, who have an understanding of bpd, breakdowns, being hospitalised, suicide, self harm. Maybe someone who may know a little about dbt. 

I just feel I’ve opened up to yet another person who’s clueless yet isn’t professional even to admit if a case is to difficult. Or they don’t have the training require to treat someone with my experiences. 

I feel let down by the system yet again. I just want to be able to truly open up and get some guidance. After all I’m only trying to work on me, my future, and be the best mum and wife I can be, to support my hubby in the right ways to be by his side as he finds his way through this maze. To be strong for my kids. To vent so I can let my fears for my son out safely not scare him. 

And what cracks me up its my first night off by myself. and I feel so lost with out my kids and sailor here.