Geez it doesn’t rain but it pours

I told my best mate a few days ago when talking about heading to the doctors that my life’s already crazy why not add more crazy by getting checked. I’d convinced myself that the tests would be fine everything would just keep chugging along unti

um went to see the doctor this afternoon. He did an exam and found a lump in my right breast under the vein that came up a few months ago. He said hopefully is innocent, a cyst or something because it moves. But he said something about 3cm (do t kbow if that the guessed size or what) he was surprised it didn’t hurt. I explained I do regular self checks n didn’t notice it. He said cause of mum n the family history he’s sending me for a scan and mammogram asap if I don’t get send by hospital in 3 weeks I’m to go back. He said mum sees oncology they’ll loom into doing gene testing. 

All I can think is my life is like a bad movie that no one would believe because its so crazy but its my life at the moment.

I’m a little nervous if I’m honest

Everyone knows my mums has cancer. I’m heading to the doctors after school. There’s a genetics test I may have to do to see if I have the breast cancer gene. As we have a family history and a few months ago I have breast changes. So I’ve been told I have to go in and have a full exam done. I’m nervous for a few reasons, firstly I’m fiercely private the thought of the exam ties me up in knots. I’m worried about the changes even though highly likely to be hormonal. And the results either I’m negative or positive, if neg awesome but if positive I’ll have an 80% chance of developing breast cancer. Pretty scary. I’ll get it done but I really want to reach out to hubby but I won’t. I’m greatful for school so I’m distracted. Also happy I contact hubby on Saturday and heard back quickly even for him. And I got a goodnight text from him last night. So while I’m scared and nervous I’ve got positives. And hell I’ve been through worse over the last few months so should be a walk in the park

Damn my hubby

Has blind sided me three times in a week. Firstly when I saw him. Secondly when he finally responded to my text then last night he reached out and text me. No pressure, no prompting just him wanting to message. I’m loving it, the little things matter the most. But I’m no sure how to proceed. I didn’t think I’d see him again but I did. I didn’t plan on what would happen if he reacted as well as he did. Then I didn’t think he’d respond to my message then he did. And mostly didn’t expect a text out of the blue. I’m so excited by this really am. But I’m shocked and lost. I’m trying to be calm cool and slow. But I’m not sure what to do next. I keep reaching for my phone to contact him. But my fears of rejection are stopping me. Yet I’m sitting here missing him like crazy. Just want to hug him again

I’m super happy right this moment

As everyone knows what’s happening with my hubby and the fact today’s his birthday. I’d text him just so he knew I was here. I finished a long but good day from school heading home turned the stereo up to as loud as it would go. I checked the time and saw a text. In disbelief I put it down. Then picked it up again. It was there still. A text from my husband. After more then 8 weeks he had responded to me. A simple thank you beautiful lady. I burst into tears. Then I was getting ready for bed and my mum rung. She asked if I had a good day when Isaid I did, she asked if I wanted some more good news. Excited I said hell yes. She told me she texted mh hubby today and he replied to her to!!! A simple thank you ba. Everyone calls her ba its her nickname. 

I get it sounds so simple, not a big deal. But to me he made two baby steps today that to me a huge. He responded not once but twice. We didn’t expect him to at all. I’m proud he reached out. I had hope from seeing him and its validated me in the fact that there’s still hope. To do the opposite of what he has been is massive in my eyes and I’m proud of him for that. We have a long way to go, but we’ve started the journey back to each other. With support we’ll make it. We’ll come out stronger and better then before. 

I was running on the petrol light I needed emotional fuel. I’m on the 1/4 line now. One thing I loved about my husband is I felt protected and safe in a way I’d never experienced before. When I saw him the other night and he pulled me to him for a hug, I felt overwhelmed by my emotions. I started shaking really badly I held on to him with everything then I realised he was literary holding me up. Hi arms tightly keeping me from falling. I felt safe I felt protected. I felt despite the clear hell he’s living he found the strength for me in that moment. My husband was still there he gave me what I needed and I needed for him to be strong for me. 

I’m in this with my guard up and eyes wide open. I’m protecting myself. I’m under no illusion that we have a battle on our hands. There’s a lot to work through. But having these things happen along side my kids supporting their mama and me starting school. I’ve found a new strength to keep going. I’m proud that I’ve found out how strong I really am. How far I’ve come. How I can be me and be married I’ve fought for myself and I’m proud of me. How I can have my world ripped apart but still with each step work through it. 

Today is

Valentines day but most importantly my husbands birthday a young 49. I wanted to be the first to wish him a happy birthday so just text him just after midnight. I need him to know I’m thinking of him and love him. I’m prepared for him not to respond. Its ok. But it does sting a little. Its baby steps. He still doesn’t know and won’t until he comes home about the cards in the truck. I’m a cake decorator and am feeling lost not planning and making him a cake. Last year I made him a garden cake with mini fondant veggies. I was so proud of that cake and he loved it. I love spoiling people on there birthdays, making there favourite foods and giving them gifts. Its so different. My hubby doesn’t like his birthdays, so I toned it down last year but tried to make it special. Valentines day for me isn’t the same since its his day. But I love to acknowledge it and spend time with him. I’m so grateful I’ve seen him when I did though. But I just want more then anything is to be by his side, no words just holding each other and just being. I hope my darling sailor tries to have a good day and knows we love him so much

What a day

My first day in class for my chef training, I loved it felt like I was back home. Its going to do me good, something positive to focus on and a distraction. Felt good getting out of the house.

My girl had her first day of after school care and loved it. My boy had cooking and proudly brought home some treats he made us. They’re both over tired and emotional but so happy to hear their sailors ok.

I chatted to my mum. She’s having a nervous day the cancer society is going to see her tomorrow where she’ll get information. I want to be there with her but mama put her foot down and told me to go to school.

I’ve had so many messages and calls about my husband today. People are incredibly supportive but suddenly gone into over protective mode. I believe people think I’m just going to forget the last few months have him home and carry on. Don’t get me wrong I do wish that could happen. But I won’t allow it. We both have a lot to deal with, my eyes are wide open. There has to be support in place and things dealt with before that could even be talked about. I’m going to text him tomorrow for his birthday. But then its up to him for a while to fight for our marriage to. He needs to get himself well. But for the time being I’m basking in the joy of the few precious moments we shared. I’m going to allow myself to think positive and hold onto the hope. I need to refill my tanks so before I face the reality of the mountain we have to climv I’m just going to enjoy the moment

I’ve found my husband and he’s safe

I’m in shock I’ll keep it brief tonight cause I start school in the morning an do need sleep. But I found him, he’s still really sick, but he wants us and his rings back on. He has a roof over his head and is ok. I’m grateful and relieved

So much pain

I’m sitting in the spot the same one. Except this time I’m alone. When my sailor proposed Oct 2015 I was shocked. He didn’t have a ring and that was ok. We talked and he wanted the perfect ring for me. We looked through jewellers and nothing was right for him. He said it had to feel right. I told him I didn’t care if he spent $20 or $2000. I honestly didn’t mind. I told him how much I loved him and it was about what the ring meant more then anything. We talked more I really wanted amethyst. We heard it was cheaper then we thought to get one designed. He began freaking out that he couldn’t transfer the idea to paper so we agreed on our anniversary he’d give it to me. It took the pressure off. I found out a few weeks ago he began designing it in the being of November took about three months to have it done exactly how he wanted it. As it got closer I began getting more excited. 2 days before our anniversary (a year ago today) he went into town, he came back weird, he seemed a mixed between nervous, terrified and excited. He told me the ring wouldn’t be ready on our anniversary. I will admit I was a little dissapointed. I was sitting in our carport after making us a coffee I rolled a ciggy, sailor sitting with me. All of a sudden he gets up comes to me and got down on one knee, he opened the ring box and asked me a second time to marry him. I told him of course I’ll marry you. I was near tears yet beaming as we kissed. I looked at the ring and my god. Before me was the most stunning unique one of a kind ring I’d ever seen. I’m a simple girl with simple taste. I slipped it on my finger and it fit perfectly he has measured my finger so many times to make sure it was perfect. He had designed a silver amethyst ring with a simple band shaped as a tear drop. He looked at me and said its a tear drop because babe from tears to happiness. We’d meet in dbt therapy so it fit us 100% it sat on my finger like it always belonged there. Here I was with an amazing fiancĂ© so intelligent, sexy, kind, passionate, loving. I knew I just knew he was mine. I didn’t realise at the time but amethyst is also his birth stone. Just felt like everything slipped into place. He was so happy, we were so happy. 

Now I sit here a year later and I’m alone with my memories. And the world feels wrong. I know the love we have. The amazing relationship we had. And it makes me more confused. Confused to how my whole life is now the way it is. I don’t understand. I still want him I still would say yes over any over. Instead of sitting here in pure happiness and joy I sit here in pain and disbelief, tears ready to flow and I remember such a powerful moment in my life

Three big hurdles in a week

On the 10th its the date of the 2nd time sailor proposed to me, first time in front of my kids and mum and the second just him and I outta the blue on bended knee proposed with the most stunning ring he had made as a one of a kind.

On the 12th our 2nd anniversary. Ones of my most treasured days. On our first he told the kids its wasn’t just our anniversary it was the anniversary of the day we became a family.

On the 14th his birthday and valentines day. Last year I made him a. Garden cake. He’d not had one made for years. I loved just spoiling him. Loving him.

I’m dreading the days because theyre not about presents they’re about him, us our family. I’m being real I know I won’t see or hear from him. But I am desperately hanging on to hope and a bloody big miracle. I think everything’s hitting at the moment. How much I miss him. How much I wish we still had the little things. It sounds silly but everything one thing pops into my mind. We always cuddled at night. Then I’d have to roll on my tummy cause of my back pain. He’d stay cuddled up to me and he’d move his close to mine where I’d rest mine on his. It was a perfect fit. I can’t describe how much I miss that. God I truly love this man so much and the pain is overwhelming. I wish I could find a way to move forward but I keep getting stuck on all the small but amazing things w had and shared. I just want to see him for a moment.  

What will today bring

Yesterday got more challenging I’ll stick to talking about school and update the rest later. I’m due to have my information evening tonight and start my chef training on Monday. Given the recent situations I’m concerned about being about to attend some classes which are to 10pm twice a week. I have a 14 year old and 8 year old. People have said have him babysit. But he’ll be already helping with my 6pm finishes. When hubby left I’d planned for mum to help with kids well now she’s unable. Which I fully get. I have 7:30am starts n 8am starts. The first 7 weeks are doable with the hours. I rung my course coordinator. She was great last year knows I’m a good student, 100% attendance and got top student. She also hired me to work there. I was hoping there would be some wiggle room. But there’s not I have to attend 80%, work the nights and if I pull out early I’ll get a mark against my name for future study and funding. She understands my situation and wanted to help but can’t. Its just add a whole new level of pressure. Im gutted I want this so much and now I may just be up shit street without a paddle. Me and hubby discussed all the issues over quite a few months ironing out the kinks. He knew I was scared and nervous. I’ve been a fulltime mum always there for my kids. Now I have to attempt to find the money for sitters on top of everything else. Again why couldn’t something go right. And on top I had a bad dream last night had my hubby and kids in it my car got stolen. I woke panicked wanting him. So freaked out I went to the car and got his wedding ring out I’ve been carrying to give back to him. I can’t help but need him