No quite going to plan

My girl had her first day at holiday programme yesterday. Within a few hours I got a call saying she’d hurt herself and could I come and check on her. I got there she’d had a heavy fall on her elbow from the playground. They’d done everything right, iced and strapped it. She said it didn’t really hurt. But later she told me it did but she didn’t want to leave. We’d headed to the doctors to find out she’s broken her elbow, has a half slab cast waiting for the hospital to make contact to put a full cast on. Really proud of how she’s coping. Last holidays she was in a cast having broken her foot. Its heaps easier for her but the pains worse. Feel for her and hoping its the last bone she breaks for long time. Now to try and no wrap her in cotton wool and let her do things. Even though its not my fault I’m feeling pretty guilty at 8 years old she’s had two breaks in 5 months. Slowly learning that I can’t actually 100% protect people I love despite wanting to. Can only be there to support them

A lot to catch up on BT right now I’m grateful for my husband

Its Sunday night here and on Tuesday morning I’m going in for my tests, mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy to find out if the 3cm lump in my breast is cancer or not. And I’m terrified. No ones wanted to let me talk about it they just say I’m going to be ok, not to stress to much etc. With mums diagnosis and upcoming op having both breasts removed and cemo, people aren’t wanting to think about the possibility of me having cancer. Yes I’m young but we have a family history plus I have more symptoms then just the lump. I am hoping I’m freaking out over nothing but still. The fear is overwhelming. 

Anyways I rung my hubby, I just needed to hear his voice. We chatted a bit then I asked him if he wanted to stay tomorrow night since the appointment is early Tuesday. He has his appointment with his phycologist in the afternoon n he said he needs time to reflect. I’m fully ok with that and am proud he’s going and happy he’s putting his health before his wants. I talked to him about how I keep changing what I need in the way of his support at the appointment. I originally didn’t want anyone there. Then that he came but waited in the waiting room. Bow I want to do the mammogram on my own but have him in there for the rest. He said he’ll go with the flow with what I need. Then he goes would ya let me take photos of the nurse playing with ya boobs. Man I laughed then realised how much I loved him. We were just laughing and I told him I was hoping he’d come and make me laugh and distract me. He cracked up when I said if he felt the need to take photos he could, he replied only if its a hot nurse hun. I know it sounds silly but that’s us we laugh through really tough moments. And it worked in relaxing me alottle. 

He then said babe you’ll be ok, either way you’ll be ok. I need to hear that from him so much. Just knowing he’ll be there means so much even more after everything that’s happening. God I hope I don’t have cancer. That it’ll all be for nothing and ill laugh about it. I am surprised tho because my stress for myself is no where near what I’ve faced for my hubby or mum. I’m just scared. I want to be well. To keep studying. To keep being here for my kids, hubby n mum. I need to be well to support them I just can’t have cancer.

Thank god for my Hubby’s words n laughter

How the hell do I stop the insecurities

Last night and today have been really bad. I know I’m over reacting, but my anxiety is raging. I heard from my hubby yesterday afternoon. But when I didn’t get a text last night I felt rejected. I thought today fuck ya I won’t contact him. Kept busy at school as soon as I drove home anxious again. Yesterday he said he was back in our area today. Bus either arrives just after 3 or 8pm depending. Hit 3:10 n I was angry. I’m being stubborn by not contacting him. But its killing me not knowing if he’s back, coming back or more time at work. All three are possible. I’ve got into the negative thoughts that he doesn’t want me. That he would’ve been better off if I didn’t find him. He’s had days and work we did see each other n minimal contact. Its normal for his work. So why the hell am I over reacting so badly. Feeling like the worst wife. 

I then got a missed call and text from my so called mental health support worker which triggered me. After a month she finally made contact assuming everything’s great offering to catch up. But still hasnt referred me to a physicist or therapy. Last time she told me I needed neither. That I should quit my course, sell my husbands stuff and move on. Basically made me feel worse about myself 

I talked to my mum who informed me she’s either having both her breasts off on either 23rd or 30th. Suddenly it was to much and to soon. Even tho I want her in asap. And its made me realise with cemo she actually has cancer and I can’t bury my head any longer. 

I chatted with my tutor and explained my tests and biopsy next week. They were great are allowing me to change my time table and with the practical kitchen classes I can sit in since I won’t be aloud to use my arm. And that felt to real.

And to top it off I’m irrational. I’m pissed at my best friend. She has done nothing wrong at all n a huge support. I’m angry cause she’s busy on a Tuesday n I really need a friend.

I’m over feeling crazy and alone. God I pray I don’t have cancer cause seriously I can deal with anymore bad news. I’m broken and right now trying to hold off tears until my kids are tucked into bed. I’m just so tired. Everything is aching and I just want and need a good night sleep and for a tiny break from huge things happening. Maybe I’ve pushed things this past week with my husband seeing him 3 days. Taking kids n mum to see him. Bringing up things that hurt me. On top of telling him about my lump and him asking about mums cancer 

Shit its just dawned on me that I’ve pushed my mentally unwell husband and god it feels like I’m losing him all over again.

I thought life got easier. Bit these past 3 months have been a living hell and I’m just so tired

My husband and kids

And my mama. The most important people in my world. And yesterday I took them to Hubby’s work, wheelchair rugby bash. First times they’d seen each other in nearly 3 months. We pulled up and hubby was outside. As soon as I stopped the car the kids jumped out. My girl looked at me and goes my sailor mummy my sailor. I smiled and go see him bub. I looked over at him as he embraced my son then my daughter. Big smile on his face. He then turned to mum n gave her a big hug to. Emotionally I nearly broke seeing them so happy together, the moment I wanted. It was a up n down visit for me. A few things negatively affected me. But we stayed a few hours n after the game we hung out a bit. I also got to catch up with a few of his friends. Once we got back to my mums I filled her in on how I was feeling. She looked at me and told me to go back and talk to him so I did. I believe he may have had a lightbuy moment, realising how insecure and on edge I am. He heard me when I said I need his reassurance and gave me that. He ended up having to take his boss him about 4 hours ago and I was hoping he’d be back today. But he has to stay another day. I just want to curl up in his arms right now. The weekend was draining even though it was positive and progress. My kids are both emotional to. It was such a big step. For all of us my hubby included. 

a big part of me feels proud for standing up for myself but the other part feels bad. I know I’ve enabled him for to long so I’m trying not to. I’m struggling with the balance. I’m also struggling if he doesn’t respite  to my texts within half an hour I’m getting anxious n upset, its making me feel rejected. Partly its because he’s working n his jobs super intense and long hours plus traveling. Logically I know I’m over reacting emotionally I can’t stop it. It scares me that he’s away. Because I’m scared he’ll leave again. Even though he’s shown no signs of that. Argh why can I just be content with the massive progress instead of feeling anxious. I hate depression

Feeling insecure

And down at the moment. I surprised my husband by turning up at a work/sport advent. He kbow I may have been going. The look of happiness on his face, big kiss and hug. His mates and boss looked shocked to see me. It was great but hard. My anxiety had been high no knowing the welcome I’d get but it was good. While I was there I checked my mum n kids could go to a game tomorrow and he was happy and agreed. He also spoke again about buying land (we’ve been saving for land and house) I was upset. He apologised. It felt like he was distancing himself because the land would be out of town. He seemed genuinely surprised and said he’s not going without me. But he’s turning 50 next year and wants to move on it all. I kinda dropped it after putting my 2 cents in. Telling him if we wait another 18months if that we can use both our savings. I do get were he’s coming from. But he seems like he’s flipped to a mental health high instead of low. I don’t know where I fit in his life anymore. I feel on the outside looking in. I feel powerless and hurt. In some ways he knows how hurt I am in others its like he’s clueless to how this is affecting me. He’s stuck on he only has another 15 odd years of earning time before he’s to old. I said to him are you forgetting I’m training to become a chef. He replied not long babe you’ll fully train. He has said that he can buy the land now an we can use my savings for the house. Its like he thinks he has to do it on his own. He’s at this point avoiding further talk about the possibility of me having breast cancer. I need him. I know he’ll go to the appointment but I can’t pretend I’m not terrified. I also so my mum she’s completely overwhelmed today. Everything’s getting to me. Everything’s out of control and I feel unsupported and alone with my life. I feel like I don’t matter. And I’m at the bottom of everyone’s priority list. Where as everyone else is at the top of mine. I’m sitting fighting tears as reality is sinking in. I’m scared I’ve got cancer. I’m scared my mum will die and Im Scared my husband will drift further away without realising and us and our marriage will end. I feel like I’m being punished for other peoples actions. I know now the final trigger for my husband leaving was the harassment from the neighbours. Nothing to do with me or the kids. I feel like we’ve been punished for them. And its not bloody fair. I want my husband home. Simple I want him home. And while we’re here its not likely to happen and we can’t move because were in a housing shortage. I’m sick of putting everyone else’s feelings first. Why can’t they put mine first for once I’m sick of feeling excluded. I’m sick of having no where I fit. I’m sick of feeling like this. I thought I’d crash mentally after mums op n cemo, she my hubby is home and things settle but I think its happening now instead 

Relief, hubby now knows

I have developed a nasty sleep pattern where I’ll fall asleep for QN hour then be wide awake for many more. Functioning on less then 4 wish hours a night. I’m trying to break this habit but it’s a challenge. Tonight I had a mixed dream wasn’t bad not good. It was about my hubby I think everything hit me in this dream and now I’m awake. 

I was in class today n we finished early so headed home n text hubby, he was ok n had just got back from a walk, progress. So I quickly rung my mum to organise her to watch the kids and rung him to see if he wanted to see me. Headed straight over was happy to see me. We had an emotion filled catch up.

But most importantly I told him about the lump. About the tests, and he’ll go with me to. I had tears, I’d managed since the first day not to cry about it all. But just being with him, saying it out loud, admitting to him I’m terrified. He was the one who said it can be genetic. I told him that’s how the lump was found but I wanted to be tested for the gene n because of the vein the did the exam. His friend had experienced it when her mum was diagnosed. They’re both fine now. But it I guess kicked started everything for them. I’m pleased I found the way to tell him. Also told him I felt I’d been lying to him, he said I hadn’t.

I’m just relieved. I need him to know and it went well better then I expected and to know he’d go with me to the tests gave me a comfort I needed. Just to lay in the sun and talk boosted me right up.

How to tell him

I’m flipping back and forth, what’s the right or wrong thing to do, do I tell him, do I not. I feel like a lier. I pride myself on being honest with him. I want his honestly. I just don’t know how. I wish he was reading this blog so he already knew and could just call and say I know and I’m here for you. That he already knew about the lump, the tests. I wish he was here with me. I know I shouldn’t just tell him over the phone. I don’t know his reaction and I’d be upset if he was in my position n did that. I’d be hurt he didn’t tell me. Heck id be angry. I’ve thought about not telling him and praying it won’t be breast cancer. But then I’d still have to lye in a few months with the follow up specialist appointment. And I can’t do that to our marriage start lying and being trapped, its so disrespectful. But I don’t see being able to tell him before the tests. Argh its not as simple as just going to see him. I need to think of his mental health to. But I want his support and he as my husband deserves to know. I’ve also realised I have no one to go with me to the appointment, my best mate works n is going away, my mum didn’t realise I was asking her today, she thought I meant I was worried about physically not being able to drive. Normally he’d be by my side. I don’t want to go and get the tests and have to have a biopsy because they believe its cancer. I knew marriage would be good and bad, positive and hard times. But this is breaking me right now. I’m hormonal, I’m tired from lack of sleep and so much on during the days, I’m terrified for myself, I’m worried about him, I’m scared for my mum and am trying to be a good mum. Yet I’m here alone and right now I have no one to call on. I just want my marriage back. I’m upset because I haven’t heard from him today. It scares me, makes me insecure, worried something is changing. I feel clingy n needy. Shit I can’t catch a break at all and its affecting me more then I realised. 

Well that was quick

I got a call from the hospital today. A week ago thebdoc found the lump, sent a referral straight to the hospital. Its been seen by the specialist and been triaged as urgent so I’ve been referred to a private hospital and should hear in a day or two when my appointment for the mammogram, scan and likely biopsy will be fingers crossed it’ll be this week and one way or another I’ll know exactly what’s happening. Now to figure out a way of seeing my husband so I can tell him, as I can’t do it over the phone. And don’t want to freak him by doing the I need to talk to you speach. Not sure what to say but hopefully it’ll come to me

What if I have cancer

Something about the weekends re easier for me I know for two days I won’t have to deal with mental health, doctors, medical, legal etc. But come Sunday my anxiety rises. I text hubby before because I was missing him so much he replied almost straight away. But I wanted to tell him to leave work, just to come home. I want him here. What if I don’t get to see him before my tests what if I have to go alone cause no one has offered to come with me. I’m acting strong but I’m a mess. Knowing this lump isn’t going away on its own. It’s been a week n still not a word from the hospital to when I’ll get the tests done. Do they not care my mums just been tkls she has breast cancer. We have a family history. Yea it might be a cyst, a non cancerous tumour but it also could be breast cancer. Its more then a lump there’s other symptoms. I’m scares. I want my husband to know so he can. Comfort  and reassure me like he does. Why cant I just be selfish and tell him over the phone. Why do I have to care about triggering his mental health. Why is our world’s so messed up that I can’t even tell the man I love. At this stage I don’t care if he demands to come home and look after me. Ive tried being positive, upbeat telling myself it’s nothing just a scare. But then I feel the lump and .y world comes crashing down. I’m terrified I have cancer and there’s nothing I can fucken do to hurry along the tests. Im scares after the scan n mammogram that I’ll need a biopsy. Because then I can’t hide it my mum had hers and wasn’t aloud to use her arm for a few days n had bruising. I’m training to be a chef it’ll be I’m sitting out practicals and people will question it. Me and hubby are going on a date. Even if were not intimate I’ll have to be carefare and he’ll question me. I actually think I’ll go crazy. Everything that’s happened all the pressure and stress. One day things will balance out and I’m scare once the crisis is over I’m going to have a full blown break down. I just want my life back. I feel like a lier and a fraud. I expect honesty and here I am not telling my husband. Yes for good reasons but still lying is lying. Fuck this

Must get sleep so I stop boring you all with so much

Earlier in the week I decided to rind my hubby. And shock me he answered hey babe. I told him I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t expect him to answer. That I missed his voice, he said he missed mine to. We chat about a lot of things, he asked about the kids and my mum, we talked about what he’d been up to n sadly he’s much the same. Sleeping and movies. I told him I’m studying n he told me he was proud. I plucked up the courage and asked him on a date. He shocked me by saying he wanted to so we chatted about going to the movies. He told me he missed me and loved me and when he said goodnight he said sweet dreams, music to my ears 

I felt positive that we’d talked. A few days later I sat there arguing with myself. I was missing him and needing his support. I decided I need to tell him about my lump. So I text and asked if he wanted to catch up the next day my first day off from school n had meetings in the morning but free in the afternoon. And while it didn’t work out because he was leaving for work at lunch time. He was trying to sort us catching up next week.

I felt torn. Happy he was working and asking an effort but sad and disappointed because I miss him so much n need his support. I feel like I’m lying to him by not telling him about the tests. I’m trying to protect him while he’s unwell. I don’t want to trigger him and lose our progress. Or the other side him coming home because he thinks its the right thing to do. I want him to come home when we’re both ready so we have a long strong marriage. Not rush and ruin things

Today I flicked him a text telling him to have a safe trip to work n he replied quickly. O saw his bus at the bus stop n told him. A big part of me just wanted to pull over jump on the bus n tell him how much I love him. But at the same time I couldn’t handle seeing him leave again even tho its for work and he told me where he was going 

I’ve been wanting to contact so much this evening. Then I got scared. We haven’t talked about how I came to find his address or him. It was his boss. I don’t know what his reaction will be when he does find out, I have no problem telling him but I’m worried. Now I’m stressing if I don’t hear from him tomorrow. Its silly. But since we’ve been back in daily contact I’m worried we’ll lose it. When he’s away working we always had contact but because I knew his job I didn’t hassle him. He always text morning n night n called when he could. I’m probably worrying over nothing.

Even though I have support from my mum n best friend and aunty with the lump n tests. I can’t help but feel alone through it. I want not my husbands words but comfort right now. I don’t want to go through it alone. But reality I won’t tell him over the phone and at this point I won’t be able to see him until next Friday if not the following week. He was always a huge support with my health and I can’t help but wish we could go back 3 months get him help so he was home with us and able to support his family like before