Once again

Its nearly midnight and I’m wide awake. I’ve had a great day, hanging out with my kids. I took my son to fast and the furious 8 at the movies earlier. I promised him at Christmas that he’d get to go when it was at the theatre. And by a stroke of luck my pay went in early due to public holidays on Tuesday. So I could take him finally. Felt like much needed mum n son relaxing bonding time and we had a blast. Having spent lots of time with my girl lately, he’d done really well making that happen felt great to have one on one time. I was missing hubby heaps tonight so got the house cleaned up, homemade pumpkin soup for dinner. Then finally got a few hours study done. Finally feel like I’m getting on top of practical things.

I am struggling with a few things. Over thinking. But hey what’s new that’s me right lol. I started with a new councilor last week. And two things struck me since. 

One. I realised that I’m really detached from a few things at the moment. Really matter of fact. Able to talk about some things regarding my hubby without emotion, also mums cancer. I know it can be “normal”. Dealing with some major emotions can just be to hard. I know to heal and move past them I need to process everything. But in same ways my minds protecting me from the fact I very nearly lost my two best friends in such a short space of time. I thought I was dealing with them. But I’m shutting them out. Trying to block and avoid the things I need to deal with the most and it scares me. If I deal with them I have to face it head on and the thought breaks me. If I don’t deal with it all its going to cone back and hurt me later. I can’t even figure out where to begin. I wish I didn’t have to.

Two. The councilor brought up PTSD. Or post traumatic stress disorder. She didn’t diagnose me but strong implied she believes I have it. First reaction was, whatever dumb bitch doesn’t know me and I brushed it off. Second was, have I not got enough labels. Have i not had enough of them to last a life time. Over the years ive had or do have Bpd, depression, reactional depression, anxiety, insomnia, self harm, 2 suicide attempts, ocd, nightmares and night terrors, sleep eating. Some say while not an eating disorder, eating issues. and now PTSD. Third reaction. How can I have that when it didn’t actually happen to me. I didn’t see the event? I’m not getting into details, but I am having struggles with intense fear, I’m super jumpy all the time, anxious with situations I never use to be, and my nightmares are worse, they’re horrific and so vivid. But still didn’t witness it and as I said it didn’t happen to me. So I can’t understand how I could have PTSD because of it and a few other things. I’m not going to blame the situation for the way I’m feeling. I just don’t know again how to process it. Especially when I’m so grateful that even though it happened, it didn’t turn into my worst nightmare, its a work in progress yet still so many positive steps are happening. 

Anyways I’m rambling again. So I’m going to head offline. And do some mindfulness. Unwind and get some sleep. Tomorrows a new day

I feel silly

But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man

No quite going to plan

My girl had her first day at holiday programme yesterday. Within a few hours I got a call saying she’d hurt herself and could I come and check on her. I got there she’d had a heavy fall on her elbow from the playground. They’d done everything right, iced and strapped it. She said it didn’t really hurt. But later she told me it did but she didn’t want to leave. We’d headed to the doctors to find out she’s broken her elbow, has a half slab cast waiting for the hospital to make contact to put a full cast on. Really proud of how she’s coping. Last holidays she was in a cast having broken her foot. Its heaps easier for her but the pains worse. Feel for her and hoping its the last bone she breaks for long time. Now to try and no wrap her in cotton wool and let her do things. Even though its not my fault I’m feeling pretty guilty at 8 years old she’s had two breaks in 5 months. Slowly learning that I can’t actually 100% protect people I love despite wanting to. Can only be there to support them

Another great but intense week

Last week I had my very first practical assessment. 3hrs, 3 dishes plus 3 sauces. and I aced it!!!! So proud of myself. I learnt so much and heaps of room for improvement but I passed the whole lot. Only three of us in the whole class of 20+ don’t have to resit. I truly didn’t think I could do it especially so well. And having my hubby, kids n mama proud made it all worth it. 

The next day we got our 400+ book of culinary terms to learn. Heaps in French. That night hubby n I went through all of them I’m surprised how much I already know. It was the best study session. Having laughs. Just spending time with sailor and his encouragement keeps boosting me up. And my boy got the highest marks for his maths exam an excellence.

Wednesday I was in class and got a text through. I immediately went to make a call. To my mama, she had surgery about 3 weeks ago for breast cancer having both removed. Everyone blew me away from her strength and positive mindframe, hubbys endless support. The kids coping well, other support from family. She’s had just been back to the surgeon. To be told the surgery was a complete success. She is officially CANCER FREE!!! that’s right no more cancer. I got back to class and just lost it, my class was incredibly supportive and sent me out for some time to process. Then as a class went to dinner and one shouted me a beer to celebrate.

The rest of the week has been about family since were all on school holidays. Hubby treated me to lots of cooking goodies and then since I’m entering a cooking comp soon. He got all the ingredients for me to practice plus a bottle of wine. I’ve love cooking for everyone, dinner together. Easter goodies. Plus our pinic with our extended family. The first since me and sailor have been back in contact felt like a huge milestone. Oh and then we had a cyclone. I was scared especially when my hubby had to drive back to his place in the middle of it, but by morning we had clear skies.

I feel like I’ve had a small break through today. My Anxiety’s been pretty high.I’ve felt unorganised, overwhelmed. In a sense out of control. My girls been playing up but thanks to my hubby chatting to her she’s turned a corner. He also did such a amazing job working on our yard its lookkng massive. I hung out with my boy today and best mate. Then tonight cooked a massive healthy meal, cleaned, and sorted my diary and to do list for school. I’ve had a chance to stop now and have realised a few things

That I can have positives without waiting for the ball to drop. I need to focus on the positives more then my fears. Like hubby working on his recovery and doing so well. He’s making me so proud. Just to hear him laugh is magic. That even with the ups n downs I am a good mum raising great kids. With the last four months surrounded by sickness and the fear of losing two of my best friends, I’ve realised I need to look at life not death. Im grateful to be on holidays, I also am facing triggers which is going to help me in the long term. I start counciling in a few days I’ve been more anxious then I realised about it. Telling another person my story. Having to trust someone new. The biggest having to face some of the situations from the past 4 months I’d rather not. But for myself and my family I’ll do it. I’ll battle on I’ll keep myself mentally well. And I’ll focus on the positives that are happening instead of the negative. Sorry for the novel bloggers time for bed. Have a great week

Argh help please fellow bloggers

Study help please fellow bloggers I’m a visual hands on learner

I’m studying level 4 chef training and loving it. I’m keeping up and doing well but having a few struggles.

Practical classes I’m doing well, I video the classes and from there watch them and write my notes. Its time consuming but working.

When it comes to theory I’m getting a bit worried. I can read the text books and understand everything but when it come to remembering a few days later I get mind blanks. 

We have our first big exam in July with food safety and multi choice culinary. Also will be getting a list off approx 400 culinary terms we have to remember and understand what they are, plus most are in French. Scared coz at school (I’m nearly 33) I flunked all my exams because I panicked and froze. Feeling the pressure because I got top front of house student last year but was only level 2. And I want to prove to myself and everyone that I’m actually good at something

What’s some study tips so I can improve my recall? 

Whrn you feel like its your fault

But logically know its not. I know that if someone’s intent on attempting suicide that there’s nothing another person can do to stop them. Maybe you can for a day, a week, a month but if that’s what they want they’ll do it. I know I couldn’t have stopped him my god I tried. I’m grateful he was found and cut down and lived. I’m grateful I didn’t lose my best friend my world. Is it not hard enough, the guilt for not stopping him, self blame for not pushing to get him more help, fear it’ll happen again. Is it not enough that I’ve only recently learned of this horrific experience he had. But to learn in the police report that they believed it was because of our marriage even tho he refused to talk about why. And he has told me it was no way my fault. Is it not enough they never told me. Is it not enough that I begged for him to get help. To feel attacked and blamed just fuels the pain and guilt. My heart feels broken tonight as I try and busy myself from the thought of what if, if only. From the thoughts that I nearly lost my precious sailor, I nearly had to bury a man who is so amazing and loved, cherished and needed. This is something I don’t even know how tobegin to process. Thank god he is seeking help and allowing me to support him. I just don’t know how to stop thinking, thoughts swirling, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears threatening to overflow. Thank god my darling is alive

A lot to catch up on BT right now I’m grateful for my husband

Its Sunday night here and on Tuesday morning I’m going in for my tests, mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy to find out if the 3cm lump in my breast is cancer or not. And I’m terrified. No ones wanted to let me talk about it they just say I’m going to be ok, not to stress to much etc. With mums diagnosis and upcoming op having both breasts removed and cemo, people aren’t wanting to think about the possibility of me having cancer. Yes I’m young but we have a family history plus I have more symptoms then just the lump. I am hoping I’m freaking out over nothing but still. The fear is overwhelming. 

Anyways I rung my hubby, I just needed to hear his voice. We chatted a bit then I asked him if he wanted to stay tomorrow night since the appointment is early Tuesday. He has his appointment with his phycologist in the afternoon n he said he needs time to reflect. I’m fully ok with that and am proud he’s going and happy he’s putting his health before his wants. I talked to him about how I keep changing what I need in the way of his support at the appointment. I originally didn’t want anyone there. Then that he came but waited in the waiting room. Bow I want to do the mammogram on my own but have him in there for the rest. He said he’ll go with the flow with what I need. Then he goes would ya let me take photos of the nurse playing with ya boobs. Man I laughed then realised how much I loved him. We were just laughing and I told him I was hoping he’d come and make me laugh and distract me. He cracked up when I said if he felt the need to take photos he could, he replied only if its a hot nurse hun. I know it sounds silly but that’s us we laugh through really tough moments. And it worked in relaxing me alottle. 

He then said babe you’ll be ok, either way you’ll be ok. I need to hear that from him so much. Just knowing he’ll be there means so much even more after everything that’s happening. God I hope I don’t have cancer. That it’ll all be for nothing and ill laugh about it. I am surprised tho because my stress for myself is no where near what I’ve faced for my hubby or mum. I’m just scared. I want to be well. To keep studying. To keep being here for my kids, hubby n mum. I need to be well to support them I just can’t have cancer.

Thank god for my Hubby’s words n laughter

How the hell do I stop the insecurities

Last night and today have been really bad. I know I’m over reacting, but my anxiety is raging. I heard from my hubby yesterday afternoon. But when I didn’t get a text last night I felt rejected. I thought today fuck ya I won’t contact him. Kept busy at school as soon as I drove home anxious again. Yesterday he said he was back in our area today. Bus either arrives just after 3 or 8pm depending. Hit 3:10 n I was angry. I’m being stubborn by not contacting him. But its killing me not knowing if he’s back, coming back or more time at work. All three are possible. I’ve got into the negative thoughts that he doesn’t want me. That he would’ve been better off if I didn’t find him. He’s had days and work we did see each other n minimal contact. Its normal for his work. So why the hell am I over reacting so badly. Feeling like the worst wife. 

I then got a missed call and text from my so called mental health support worker which triggered me. After a month she finally made contact assuming everything’s great offering to catch up. But still hasnt referred me to a physicist or therapy. Last time she told me I needed neither. That I should quit my course, sell my husbands stuff and move on. Basically made me feel worse about myself 

I talked to my mum who informed me she’s either having both her breasts off on either 23rd or 30th. Suddenly it was to much and to soon. Even tho I want her in asap. And its made me realise with cemo she actually has cancer and I can’t bury my head any longer. 

I chatted with my tutor and explained my tests and biopsy next week. They were great are allowing me to change my time table and with the practical kitchen classes I can sit in since I won’t be aloud to use my arm. And that felt to real.

And to top it off I’m irrational. I’m pissed at my best friend. She has done nothing wrong at all n a huge support. I’m angry cause she’s busy on a Tuesday n I really need a friend.

I’m over feeling crazy and alone. God I pray I don’t have cancer cause seriously I can deal with anymore bad news. I’m broken and right now trying to hold off tears until my kids are tucked into bed. I’m just so tired. Everything is aching and I just want and need a good night sleep and for a tiny break from huge things happening. Maybe I’ve pushed things this past week with my husband seeing him 3 days. Taking kids n mum to see him. Bringing up things that hurt me. On top of telling him about my lump and him asking about mums cancer 

Shit its just dawned on me that I’ve pushed my mentally unwell husband and god it feels like I’m losing him all over again.

I thought life got easier. Bit these past 3 months have been a living hell and I’m just so tired

My husband and kids

And my mama. The most important people in my world. And yesterday I took them to Hubby’s work, wheelchair rugby bash. First times they’d seen each other in nearly 3 months. We pulled up and hubby was outside. As soon as I stopped the car the kids jumped out. My girl looked at me and goes my sailor mummy my sailor. I smiled and go see him bub. I looked over at him as he embraced my son then my daughter. Big smile on his face. He then turned to mum n gave her a big hug to. Emotionally I nearly broke seeing them so happy together, the moment I wanted. It was a up n down visit for me. A few things negatively affected me. But we stayed a few hours n after the game we hung out a bit. I also got to catch up with a few of his friends. Once we got back to my mums I filled her in on how I was feeling. She looked at me and told me to go back and talk to him so I did. I believe he may have had a lightbuy moment, realising how insecure and on edge I am. He heard me when I said I need his reassurance and gave me that. He ended up having to take his boss him about 4 hours ago and I was hoping he’d be back today. But he has to stay another day. I just want to curl up in his arms right now. The weekend was draining even though it was positive and progress. My kids are both emotional to. It was such a big step. For all of us my hubby included. 

a big part of me feels proud for standing up for myself but the other part feels bad. I know I’ve enabled him for to long so I’m trying not to. I’m struggling with the balance. I’m also struggling if he doesn’t respite  to my texts within half an hour I’m getting anxious n upset, its making me feel rejected. Partly its because he’s working n his jobs super intense and long hours plus traveling. Logically I know I’m over reacting emotionally I can’t stop it. It scares me that he’s away. Because I’m scared he’ll leave again. Even though he’s shown no signs of that. Argh why can I just be content with the massive progress instead of feeling anxious. I hate depression