By his side

I’m so proud of my sailor, my hubby. Through his life’s his ups and down have risen him and broken him. He’s overcome such pain and heart ache to pursue his dreams. He has been planning for 3 years to start his own business. A beautiful market urban garden. And now those dreams are becoming a reality. He has accepted partnership with 2 wonderful ladies and I. Its his baby, his vision his creativity. We are there to support him. As his wife I’m beyond proud of all he is doing. He blows me away in so many ways. His dedication inspires me. And I am proud to walk by his side, watch him grown and develop not only his business but himself as a man.

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Sometimes it’s the small things

That make the difference. Wasn’t exactly looking forward to work today. Waking at 5.30am did my normal routine, my girl again didn’t want me to leave. She’s missing me. Managed to get her amped about her day and headed off. Music pumping

Just as the sun was rising. I always marvel at the stillness of the local pond and the mirror imagine

Carried on my way cranked the music louder

By the time I got to work my mind had cleared and I was pumped

Well I did it back in November I graduated

I now hold a diploma in patisserie, I passed with distinction averaging 90-96%. Such a proud moment after 2.5 years full time studying while being a mama, wife and cleaning. I finished school on the Friday started my new job in a vegan cafe the next day, 2 months on I just received my first pay rise. I have so much to catch up on here but here’s a few of today’s goodies

Vegan beetroot and chocolate cheesecake

Paleo orange cake with coconut and almond

Gluten free, dairy free and vegan savoury muffins

Dairy and gluten free raspberry and orange sweet muffins with vegan chocolate

Vegan chocolate torte

Death

Please hug your babies a little tight, tell you partner you love them. Ring your mama or dad. Don’t go to sleep angry. Life as you know it can be over in a flash. Last week I found out my ex mother in law passed away. The world I’ve created for myself is changed and due to not wanting to opening old hurt for my ex-step children I stayed away from the funeral. She wasn’t part of my life anymore but she was for a long time. I have a lot of respect for the woman who hard a life that would’ve broken us. I had put her death into a box. Looking at my positives my new life, my loyalty and live is for my husband, my children, my mum. Plodding along this we’re good. Until today when I got a message from my 15 yr old son. All it said was “mum”. Then he told me he found out his best friend who changed schools last year had died yesterday. I raced to my baby he was with the school counselor. He saw me and just cried and let me hug him. His friend was only 15. And he’s dead. He was chilling with 2 mates a few weeks ago, no drugs or drinking. 2 boys went to make something to eat and came back to this child unconscious. They preformed CPR and called an ambulance. He was taking to hospital, and put on life support. Yesterday his parents had to make the devastating decision to turn of his life support. They believe it was a unknown heart problems. The scary part this child had talked for a few years about suicide. It’s broken my son he’s blocked it. Pretending like nothing’s changed. Its self protection. He’s talked to me. But I don’t know what to say. I want to protect him but I can’t. A mama should protect. It’s brought up so much. We have had in many ways a fantastic year. But the trumia we have suffered has been horrific. I nearly lost both my mum and husband this year, had two cancer scares, my daughter bullied severely,  and normal life. And now at 15 fucken years old my son has lost his best friend. Yup life’s not fucken fair. I just want to protect those closer to me and I can only watch as they go through there struggles. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry instead I have to study as I’m graduating in 5 weeks. I really need that magic wand about now.

Feeling a weight has been lifted

A few days ago felt like something shifted. A weight has been lifted. Things seemed more settled at home. Little things have eased my fears for the moment. Truly grateful for this. I really needed a break from my own mind. Yesterday my sailor went away for work. It’s weird. I got so use to him being home for a month. Now he’s off on another adventure for a week. As much as I’m missing him. I’m also so proud of him. This past week he has blown me away in so many ways. He’s shown me a strength that I admire. The road to wellness can be a bumpy one. Highs and lows. But when change happens it brings a sense of Hope and pride. To see your best friend facing challenges in such positive and determined ways brings a sense of happiness. I wish my words could express how I’m feeling. Knowing he’s allowing me to walk by his side as he faces the highs and lows of life and all it brings. It makes all worth it. I’m a proud wife and so grateful to my sailor

My mind won’t stop

What ifs

What if I had picked up the signs earlier?

What if I hadn’t found him again?

What if my fears do happen?

What if I royally fuck it all up?

What if I miss signals?

What if my minds is playing tricks on me?

I feel under pressure. I saw my therapist this morning. She thinks I’m doing well. Acknowledging my fears. Realising that I did everything. Pushing forward. Opening up to people about how I’m feeling. But she gets me thinking. She asks so many questions. Yup that’s her job but sometimes it’s to hard. I don’t have many answers. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. Studying, working, family, our home. I love my family more then anything. I don’t want to lose them by pushing to hard on my career. They’re nothing but supportive, and there for me. It’s short term with such huge hours. But I get home and look at my hubby. My feelings overwhelm me. I missed him so much whene he was gone. That feeling that I’d never get him back. Laying there at night Wondering where he was, if he was safe. I have nightmares. That I’d never found him again. That id found him and he didn’t want to know me. I have horrific ones which lead me to have anxiety. I’m working through them. Dealing with triggers. They’re my issue I know. Ive made so many mistakes in the past and I feel so selfish taking all this time for me. What if I’m away from home so much my hubby feels like he’s not my proiety. What if I’m away so much my kids start resenting me. What if my hubby feels I’m leaving the kids with him to much. Why can’t I find the balance. I barely see my mum or bestmate anymore. I always tired. I love my course and want to be a fully qualified chef. I’m so close but I’m scared I’ll lose everything else I’ve work for years for. I try to express how I’m feeling but words don’t translate what’s going on in my head. I’m sitting here after working 2 nights and again tomorrow. And I’m close to tears. Made it’s tiredness maybe it’s pms. Maybe I’ve taking to much on. Maybe I shouldve focused on being the best wife and mum I could be. Instead of sitting here feeling like I’m failing my husband and children. 

This week’s creations. 

All made from scratch

My Danish pastry

My puff and ruff puff pastry

Mushroom, chicken and bacon risotto

Chicken roulade with a potato puree and mushroom sauce, made with the help of my son

And my newset toy

My pasta

My first Bailey’s and white chocolate cheese cake

It’s been an emotional week from me. I’ve felt tired. Worked out I’m pulling 50-60 hour weeks between school, work and work experience. I feel like my family’s missing out. But they’ve been incredibly supportive. I decided to look at my positives I’m taking school seriously I want to not only be proud of myself. But I’m also wanting to make my family proud. To show them that there patience has been worth it. Because at the end of the day it’s family first. I’d give it all up in a heartbeat. But I’m grateful I can do what I love and am passionate about and still have my hubby and kids by my side.

Writing helped

Last night releasing my thoughts calmed me a little. One bonus about being so busy is I’m finally sleeping bit better. I woke today thinking about a conversation with my sailor. He’s one that doesn’t remember his dreams. But one he did. We we’re both in it looking at land. In life we are working so hard towards our future. To buy land, build. Extending Hubby’s gardening business. Me studying, to finally be qualified as a chef. To open my own container cafe. To teach the kids. Things like his dream just push me in the right direction. Despite everything the hardships things are coming together. I look at my husband and know without a doubt I made the right choice to keep fighting for us. I wish it hadn’t happened but the past few month seeing us coming together stronger makes it worth it. I still have questions. But seeing the bonds grow is magic. Its like him n my boy have a stronger bond now then  Before. I have a confidence with our relationship and family unit that I didn’t have before. Its made me strong as a women and in turn as a wife and mother. 

Feeling really sad tonight

Everything is a work in progress which I understand and respect. I just can’t help but want to speed up the process. I want to continue to build the foundation to a great life. Open discussion and honestly is a must. Its so important. Hearing others truly hearing them. Being mindful with my responses. Allowing others to feel heard and accepted. Trying to keep a level head when I hear things I’d rather not. Things that hurt me even though I’m grateful for the truth. I’m feeling pulled between wanting to acknowledge events that have happened, yet knowing I’ll never truly have the answers I feel I need for closure. Im not ready to ask those questions that can not undo the hurt. Yet left unsaid is keep the wound gaping and raw. My need to protect myself and others is putting strain on life. Yet I can’t face that I can’t protect those I love from the experiences they have and will face.