It’s been 18 months

Since my last post. My world has changed in many ways. From posting daily, sometimes multiple times a day. To nothing. Yet the last few days I’ve had an overwhelming need to write. To find a release from trauma, horrific situations beyond my control.

Yet I don’t know where to start. How much to share. They are not my story. But the ripple effect has these thing effect my everyday life. Overwhelmed. Wanting justice, yet wondering if there’s such thing. No words, confessions, no matter the sentence will bring back what has been taken from so many. It won’t bring back the lost of trust. The life changing event of one horrific individual changed a whole family. Never to be the same again.

Then another young person decided that this world isn’t for them. Saved in time, wishing they werent. Fear of recieving yet another phone call. Scared we’ll have to bury my niece next time, instead of surgery. I wish for a world without suicide, attempts and mental health. I want peace for those close to me.

In the side lines watching things fall apart and helpless

Feeling huge sense of wanting to be in denial. All the while the truth keeps smacking me in the face. Hoping writing will help release what I’m struggling to speak about. My words become jumbled. I want to be a support to those closest to me, and keep myself well at the same time.

Truth is the world has changed so much over the past months. Covid, my country in lockdown. Back to some normality. My pride and joy business having to close and reopen. My child’s health. My other child is preparing to leave home, and move 4 hours away. His loss off his job from covid and unable to find a new one, despite trying. My amazing sailor facing his own struggles and highs.

The return of my anxiety. Today a rage I’ve not felt for many years. Fear of what tomorrow will bring. Will it be positive or yet another huge event.

Reading over this post, a jumbled mess of words that make no sense. Thankful I’ve reached out for help. Still doing my self-care, mindfulness, and actually sleeping. Still going to work. Still putting one foot in front of the other. Until next time


I started at my job 2 months ago. I really do enjoy it, it’s a new style of food I’m not use to and the beginning of my career. But for the past 2 weeks I’ve had a sense of unease. The front of house manger is a bully. I’d had enough, with the backing of my head and sous chef had decided to lay a formal complaint. I chatted to a Co worker about it briefly. She said by all means go ahead, she’s experienced being bullied by her to. But asked me to please be careful. I asked why. She said you know what happened to the woman who was in your job last. I relied, she was sick, she worked out her notice, left and passed away. She looked surprised. She said no. She was a current staff member, didn’t turn up for her shift, which was unusual and she was found, she had passed by suicide. It happened a month before I started. She was bullied by the same lady, and the chefs use to hammer her. She doesn’t know the reason why. It may have nothing to do with the work place.

Now I don’t feel I had to be told the cause of death, that’s not my business at all. But for my Co workers and boss to come up with lies and keep it going put me in an increasingly uncomfortable position. Working with these people knowing they’ve lied is hard, trust and respect has been lost.

The other day one Co worker made a comment “no wonder the last one jumped” in relation to this woman, the comment makes me sick.

I’m not sure how to proceed to be honest. I’m going in doing what I have to. But I watch our kitchen hand being either treated amazing or like utter shit. I stand up for him and the other staff and even told my head chef to pull his head in and stop picking on people today. After that he calmed. I want this job. But I don’t want to be here either. If I leave, I could go job hunting but won’t have a valid reason for my cv. If I stay I feel I’m compromising myself.

There is definite perks to the job. Reasonable hours which work with my family. Decent pay and just got my first pay rise. Generous staff discount. Most staff a great. New food which I’m learning so much including getting my food on the menu. Basically a dream come true for a newbie. But the few cons are huge. Hubby’s backing either way. I’m torn.

It’s been a long time

But still I suffer from mental health issues. Myself, my husband, my mother, my son and at a time my daughter. I think I was drawn back to to my blog because while I’m not depressed or sliding in the sense of my bpd. I am struggling with the world at the moment. I’m struggling with not being able to fix things, I struggle with the lack of control watching others dear to me going through mental health. I’m struggling with my morals in the job I’m in. And have got extremely frustrated thinking about work. I’m in an industry which is high pressure, stress, and clashes with chef vs front of house. I just want to cook, be a wife, mama, daughter and not feel the pressure to be all for everyone

Well I did it back in November I graduated

I now hold a diploma in patisserie, I passed with distinction averaging 90-96%. Such a proud moment after 2.5 years full time studying while being a mama, wife and cleaning. I finished school on the Friday started my new job in a vegan cafe the next day, 2 months on I just received my first pay rise. I have so much to catch up on here but here’s a few of today’s goodies

Vegan beetroot and chocolate cheesecake

Paleo orange cake with coconut and almond

Gluten free, dairy free and vegan savoury muffins

Dairy and gluten free raspberry and orange sweet muffins with vegan chocolate

Vegan chocolate torte

Wow 5 years since I started this blog

so much has changed for me. I was at my lowest point, out of hospital after 2 attempts technically homeless in a caravan. With out my children, in an a mentally abusive and controlli relationship. My future was dull, the life sucked out of me.

Now I’ve a home, my children with me. An amazing husband. I’m a qualified chef and studing a diploma in patisserie. About to go on a two week holiday.

Amazing how times can change. My lows now aren’t so low my highs I celebrate.

So grateful for what I have, love, success, family and a bright future.

Big thanks to all nearly 22 thousand of you. Some who have followed me from my first post. Wow just thankful for life

We went to hell and back

Over the past few weeks with being in competition and me losing my mind but so many positives. We gained strength as a family unit really supporting and backing each other. I’m proud of all of us. My hubby really backing me emotionally and physically. Being there for the kids in so many ways. Being patient beyond all expectations. Believing in me when I didn’t. Showing our son what real support from a dad is. Protecting our girl and guiding her in ways she hasn’t experienced. Stepping up around the house to take pressure off me. All the while never complaining. Watching our boy gain a confidence he was lacking, pride in himself and his cooking. Having him and I grow closer having a bond of food and competing.

Originally I was going to enter three classes in the comp and our boy one. But the pressure of life got on top of me. So I dropped one. This past weekend it was time. I was due to drop my statics in the comp. On the way my cheesecake started slipping off the plate, then melting. But some how managed to get the cheese cake and artisan bread up.

Bailey’s and white chocolate cheesecake with a dark chocolate and espresso cremeux, glazed with a dark chocolate mirror glaze. A different Bailey’s cream cheese icing, garnished with chocolate and gold leaf.

For the breads I had to produce three different types so I made a 18 hr double hydration ciabatta. A laminated and plaited duck fat and bacon brioche and a garlic and rosemary foccicia. I also add artichoke paste and whipped butter.

Sadly we didn’t get a photo of the actual comp dish of my boys but he did the veg soup live, he made a borscht with a horse radish and sour cream garnished with chives

We had prize giving and we place extremely well.

Our boy received a silver medal and over all winner of class, along side awesome prizes

And I won 2 silver medals

One of the proudest moments as a competitor, a mum and as a family


Between comps, 11 days away and chef keeps changing my entry and is pushing me to far. My baby had her 1st therapy session on her own and it was hard and drained her completely, felt I should’ve kept her home with me instead of sending her to the place she’s bullied, but laws make her go to school. Then my boys been mucked around by his teacher with the comp and I’m having to scramble to Get everything he needs in time. My hubby’s backs playing up and sadly despite me trying not to. I’m a cranky insecure and not nice to be around. And he has to pick up the pieces.

Why the hell do I over complicate life to damn much. I do it for myself