My life has been crazy busy. So much good is happening I’ll update soon. But there’s something I feel dragging me down. I went for my check up with the specialist, after my scare when a doctor found I had a breast lump. Turns out was a cyst. So going to this appointment I didn’t think to take anyone. I thought it would be a straight forward follow up. But found out some troubling things. I had another exam and they found tissue changes. Don’t know how to explain it. All I remember is the doc say 75% breast density, tissue changes, pre cancer. Biopsy and ultra sound to find out if its cancer. 100% not a cyst, family history, mum had breast cancer, genes testing. 32 years old. I left and rung my husband straight away. He was brilliant. I had to go to work but went to get him straight after. Spoke to my mum. Told my best mate. Hid it from my kids.
What gets me the most is the look, the change in tone. Everyone has done this, the doc, hubby, mum, my tutor who I had to tell as I’ll not be able to work in the kitchen. No one can tell me its all going to be ok and I desperately need to hear that. Even tho I know until the biopsy on Monday n results no one knows. Everyone of the small amount of people who know are being incredibly supportive. They telling me no matter the results I’ll be ok. Last time everyone was more positive , saying it was likely a cyst. Now none is saying it. My mum has said its a nightmare. I dont want to put her through this stress shes still dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer. My bestmates had tears and freaked out over it, my therapist who’s usually so quick to build me up was lost for words. My darling man has been there for me every step. He’s away for work but busing back Monday and fingers crossed his bus will arrive on time so he can meet me afterwards. I dont want to put him through this. I just got him back. He’s doing so well, we’re a unit again. I wanted things calmer for him, I don’t want to put him through extra hard times. I’m grateful he’s not seeing my tears ATM.
This time what ever is in me is different. The specialist said he wanted me seen within a month. The referral was sent and then return to the dhb for consideration. It was a long weekend and I was rung with the appointment time. 2 and a half weeks from being seen. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful, but I scared of why I’m being pushed through so quickly. Not normal to my knowledge.
I was in denial. Now I can’t get back to denial. I want to until I have to face the tests. My guts saying prepare. My hearts breaking and my mind is desperately trying to be positive. Everyone’s reactions furthers my fear that I maybe facing cancer. Even if its not. The doctor has said this is the begfining of regularly testing for the rest of my life.
Why should I be facing a real cancer scare at my age. I’m just getting my shit together, my career, my marriage, my kids, our lives. Why now. Why not when I’m 70 and lived a long life. Why did I waste so much time. I’m scared beyond belief. I can’t run from this nor hide. Icant run from myself. I can’t protect the people I love most in this world. I want to go into do the tests on my own. My mum will take care of my kids. Hubby will meet me after. No one seems to understand why I need to go in by myself. If I here those words you have cancer I need to do it on my own. So I can pull myself together and support those supporting me. I can’t explain the need for this. I get people don’t want me alone. But its so out of control this is the one thing I can control. I need that. And I need not to have cancer
Tonight I rung my mama. She sounds so scared, one of her wound sites was sore and swollen. Worried she went straight to the doctors. Luckily everything was ok and they’ll monitor her 🙂
I was lucky enough t catch up with hubby, mum, my best mate. So happy to have some laughs. I asked my man to price a few buckets I needed and when he got back he said he’d forgotten. Ok so no biggy. Then he comes out with 2 purple buckets. I know its silly but I’ve wanted them for ages and I was super happy.
I had a trigger though. Putting me instantly on edge. The police turned up at my neighbours. I went into instant protect my hubby mode. Silly because he’s a grown man but I was scared it may trigger him cause they caused so much hell for us. Bit once again my hubby showed me I don’t need to do it. He’s come so far n makes me so proud.
Yesterday I was feeling unwell. I had the beginning of a migraine. By early evening it had hit hard. Hubby had to head back to where he’s staying but after my girl tucked mummy into bed, he cuddled up with me and covered me with his shirt. Giving me such comfort. I woke in time to put my girl to bed, grateful my son had looked after his sister and made her dinner. I’d looked in the fridage and found sailor had brought us a few bottles of milk cause we were low. I end up vomiting and struggling but still had comfort from hubby via phone.
Woke this morning feeling so much better. My 8 year old proudly showed me the to do list she’d written. My hubby had worked on the gardens. While my son without being asked cleaned up the kitchen, his room, cut his hair n cleaned up n had a shower.
Took hubby back to his place we stopped in at the hardware store. It felt like old times joking and playing around. He treated me to this matting stuff I’ve needed. I told him just because I say I want something doesn’t me I expect to get it. It reminds me of when we we’re first dating and he brought me art pencils. Its not about the stuff but the fact he actually listens and remembers. Its all the small things that he does, not buying stuff but everything. His thoughtfulness, his laughter, his love that made me stick by him, all that pain and uncertainty, is worth it. To know I 100% made the right choice to wait for this man. I may not have gone the right ways about it but our love kept me going. And he and us is worth everything.
I had a awesome conversation with my son tonight which put me at ease with how he’s feeling.
And Im just sitting here thankful for the little things I have.
But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man
To take away her pain and you can only hug her, is one of the most painful parts of parenting. I’ve had her back at the docs for a second half cast. It was horrible. Not only we’re we delayed and their a few hours, but when we were actually seen the doctor barely even acknowledged my girl n I, but wouldn’t answer questions. Then the nurse was rude and really rough, not seeming to care the pain this child was in. Because of that we were home past her dinner and bed time which had her over tired. Laying next to her just reassuring her, giving her cuddles, she looked miserable wanting me to take the pain away. So hard when all we want to do is make it all better
My girl had her first day at holiday programme yesterday. Within a few hours I got a call saying she’d hurt herself and could I come and check on her. I got there she’d had a heavy fall on her elbow from the playground. They’d done everything right, iced and strapped it. She said it didn’t really hurt. But later she told me it did but she didn’t want to leave. We’d headed to the doctors to find out she’s broken her elbow, has a half slab cast waiting for the hospital to make contact to put a full cast on. Really proud of how she’s coping. Last holidays she was in a cast having broken her foot. Its heaps easier for her but the pains worse. Feel for her and hoping its the last bone she breaks for long time. Now to try and no wrap her in cotton wool and let her do things. Even though its not my fault I’m feeling pretty guilty at 8 years old she’s had two breaks in 5 months. Slowly learning that I can’t actually 100% protect people I love despite wanting to. Can only be there to support them
Last week I had my very first practical assessment. 3hrs, 3 dishes plus 3 sauces. and I aced it!!!! So proud of myself. I learnt so much and heaps of room for improvement but I passed the whole lot. Only three of us in the whole class of 20+ don’t have to resit. I truly didn’t think I could do it especially so well. And having my hubby, kids n mama proud made it all worth it.
The next day we got our 400+ book of culinary terms to learn. Heaps in French. That night hubby n I went through all of them I’m surprised how much I already know. It was the best study session. Having laughs. Just spending time with sailor and his encouragement keeps boosting me up. And my boy got the highest marks for his maths exam an excellence.
Wednesday I was in class and got a text through. I immediately went to make a call. To my mama, she had surgery about 3 weeks ago for breast cancer having both removed. Everyone blew me away from her strength and positive mindframe, hubbys endless support. The kids coping well, other support from family. She’s had just been back to the surgeon. To be told the surgery was a complete success. She is officially CANCER FREE!!! that’s right no more cancer. I got back to class and just lost it, my class was incredibly supportive and sent me out for some time to process. Then as a class went to dinner and one shouted me a beer to celebrate.
The rest of the week has been about family since were all on school holidays. Hubby treated me to lots of cooking goodies and then since I’m entering a cooking comp soon. He got all the ingredients for me to practice plus a bottle of wine. I’ve love cooking for everyone, dinner together. Easter goodies. Plus our pinic with our extended family. The first since me and sailor have been back in contact felt like a huge milestone. Oh and then we had a cyclone. I was scared especially when my hubby had to drive back to his place in the middle of it, but by morning we had clear skies.
I feel like I’ve had a small break through today. My Anxiety’s been pretty high.I’ve felt unorganised, overwhelmed. In a sense out of control. My girls been playing up but thanks to my hubby chatting to her she’s turned a corner. He also did such a amazing job working on our yard its lookkng massive. I hung out with my boy today and best mate. Then tonight cooked a massive healthy meal, cleaned, and sorted my diary and to do list for school. I’ve had a chance to stop now and have realised a few things
That I can have positives without waiting for the ball to drop. I need to focus on the positives more then my fears. Like hubby working on his recovery and doing so well. He’s making me so proud. Just to hear him laugh is magic. That even with the ups n downs I am a good mum raising great kids. With the last four months surrounded by sickness and the fear of losing two of my best friends, I’ve realised I need to look at life not death. Im grateful to be on holidays, I also am facing triggers which is going to help me in the long term. I start counciling in a few days I’ve been more anxious then I realised about it. Telling another person my story. Having to trust someone new. The biggest having to face some of the situations from the past 4 months I’d rather not. But for myself and my family I’ll do it. I’ll battle on I’ll keep myself mentally well. And I’ll focus on the positives that are happening instead of the negative. Sorry for the novel bloggers time for bed. Have a great week
Sitting here just winding down I’m feeling pretty lucky. I have my first practical kitchen assessment in the morning 3 hours 3 dishes 3 sauces and a work plan. Yesterday I got the ingredients together to practice one of my dishes, loved having my hubby n kids try it. It boosted me up, I made errors but I knew why and how to change them. Spent time with my little family and went on to study completing my work plan.
Then today I woke spent time with my mama and extended family, organising a family picnic next week, headed to school to print out my work. And back home to spend time with my hubby. He surprised me by buying prawns, scallops and squid so I could practice more for my assessment. Add my sweet chilli sauce and made a burnt butter sauce.
We chatted about my food, and assessment. You know what blows me away. The support I have from not only my kids but my hubby. I’ve realised this weekend I’ve come along way. I know a lot more then I realised. Sailor was asking me so many questions, and turns out I know more French terms then I believed I did.
To hear my hubby say he believes in me, that I’ve got this. Has gone along way n boosting my confidence up. It still surprises me. Ive spent my life with people telling me I’d amount to nothing, that I’m useless, and the sad part I believed them. So instead of sitting here anxious I’m instead excited but nervous. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I cant wait to get in the kitchen. My passion and drive has over come the complete utter fear.
Also a big part of study means I’ve felt pulled between life as a student and that of a wife and mum. I’m trying to find the balance so I told my 8 year old she could make banana pancakes. So proud we had mum n daughter time. And my girl felt so proud dishing up her very own pudding. Help he collect the ingredients, make the batter then cook them, was awesome. She even flipped them herself. Before we know it our girl will be able to make them all on her own. Getting home from dropping hubby off my boy told me just how happy he is that were standing time as a family, eating meals together and just chatting, laughing all being g playful.
So as I sit here knowing I have a hubby who loves me, kids who a growing up so well, my school stuff ready for the morning. I’m realise that despite the challenges we as a family face that I’m one lucky women. And I’m more grateful now for what I have then I ever have.
I’m drained, I’m tired, I should be sleeping but my mind is in overload. Today’s been a good day. Mixed with sadness and confusion. Maybe its just the past few months finally catching up with me. Maybe its because I’ve been busy with school. We had our first two nights of live productions, part of my course is that we run the restaurant open to the public. It was intense, but amazing. Last night I realised I’d not being anxious or nervous. I know why. Because for the first time I walked in and realised I was home. Crazy right. I felt like I’d finally cound the career I have searched my life for. I felt confident. It felt right. Hearing such positive feedback from customers and tutors. We all did well despite kitchen hickups. I learnt so much. I arrived home to my hubby. He’d taken care of the kids while I was at school. Checking on my babies. I was happy knowing I had my 3 favourite people there with me. It felt so natural and normal.
But getting home tonight reality kicked in. My son greeted me happy I was home, after his first evening by himself at home. He’d been nervous, but relaxed straight away. My girl is away for the night my best mate looking after her since class finished so late. And my sailor not home. I can’t text him goodnight because she left his phone here and I need to drop it to him in the morning. Tonight feels wrong. I wondered around cleaning up, distracted by my reality. Plus I have my first major assessment for class. Even ones been positive for me and supporting me. I love that. But im also scared 3 dishes and 3 sauces in 3 hours. I have to complete my work plan to even enter the assessment and I’m thing myself up in knots. I’m frustrated in myself for letting the fear get to me.
Then in the morning I have my therapy with the lady from mental health family support agency. She’s awesome. Uplifting and straight up. I can open up and talk to her. Hard though cause she for the last few weeks has pushed me to place I just don’t want to deal with. I have to but it brings the raw emotions to the surface that I just want to bury. She’s referred me to another counciling service she thinks will help but means I have to bring up so much for them to actually help me. I know in the long run it’s what I need so I can work though everything. But it means talking to people about tough things and I don’t know where to begin. I don’t want to upset those I’m close with by voicing what’s in my head. I am talking but something’s are so difficult and I don’t want to say anything and have it come out wrong. I wish others would bring up the tough things so I do t have to. I really wish I could just bury my head in the sand and ignoring the hard things so I can focus on what I choose. I was triggered today. Something that was positive but also angered and upset me. I’m over everything being a double edged sword. I want answers that I’ll never receive. I don’t know how to get closure without them.
Well time to stop bleating on and being poor me. I think mindfulness meditation is called for so I can sleep and start again fresh tomorrow hopefully with a more positive outlook
Study done after 5+ hours of housework, cooking etc its now midnight and I’m ready to pack it in for the night. I love studying, bit I envy those who have a flare for recall and study. I do practical and I ace it. I read a text book and its gone. Super frustrating. But my hard work will pay off. Sadly my Hubby’s been away for work and won’t be back for another 4-5 days. But tomorrow Ive got a busy day. But enjoyable. My kids want to go to my school. So we’ll head in and get my work all printed out and check it all out again. Then will head over to my mums to check up on her after her op and to hang out. We’ll head to town to buy my boy new school shoes. Movie with my girl. House work. More study. Then a long hot bubble bath and a glass of bubbles.
I can’t work out how. I’m not sure where to even start. My mum just had surgery it went well, my hubby and I a making progress and were filling in each other on the 2 months apart. Schools going well. But it’s so intense and emotionally draining. I really don’t know where to turn. I’ve had news that broke my heart but respected being told. So huge I don’t even know if I should share here. But I need to release it. Argh I happy but scared.