About three weeks ago I got gifted a scoby and starter tea, so milk kafir grains. I’d been talking to a friend about starting my girl on probotics. A few months ago she was diagnosed with an autoimmune skin disorder vitiligo, where she losing the pigment in her skin. And at the same time she’s had trouble with her tummy and severe car sickness. Also my hubby has been struggling with his energy levels. So I gave it a start.
Now I’ve become obsessive.
Starting with kombucha, so many flavours, from raspberry, strawberry, mango and ginger, blackcurrant
On to fermented feijoa fizzy just using the skins
Onto my milk powder and culture starter yogurt in both thick Greek style and drinkable
Then wanting to expand I’ve started aa ginger beer bug
Realising my milk kafir grains were sick I was gifted a new lot which I’ve started today fingers crossed
And lastly I adore making bread so wanted to make a sour Dough starter. Why make one right when I can make two. So attempting a wholemeal and a high ratio stater
Since I started my baby girl has only had a few sore times, bloatings gone and no car sickness. I’m hoping in time it’ll help my hubby and I love my 15yr old enjoys it all to.
Since I posted last. Life’s crazy busy but I love it. I’m back at school level five diploma in patisserie. We have regional comps coming up end of next month. And I’m feeling under pressure. Last year I entered two. A live which I received winner of class and a silver medal. And a static which I received a silver medal, and by points I came officially second against a chef with more experience. I’m still so proud. But now the comps are coming up I’m feeling odd. I’m entering 3 this year wear as many of my class are entering one.
I’m competing in the artisan bread static, where I have to produce 3 loafs, a lean, enriched and flat bread, with condiments. So I’ll do a double hydration cibbata loaf. A duck fat and bacon brioche and a foccaica still not sure which. I’ll make a artichoke ppaste and homemade butter.
Then the cheesecake, I’m doing a Bailey’s white chocolate cheesecake with a espresso, dark chocolate cremeux in the centre, a dark chocolate glaze, garnished with Bailey’s cream, chocolate covered coffee beans and gold leaf.
Then the dessert live I have 1 hour to produce a restaurant quality dessert. I’m doing a short crust tart, with raspberry fuild gel, cream cheese mousse, mango cream. Garnished with fresh mango and cubes of set raspberry gel, likely with flowers and gold leaf.
Issue being I feel overwhelmed. I had disasters for my practice runs and felt like a failure. Hubby said to focus on one element at a time and perfect that. Father then the whole item.
So I’m preparing my notes, recipes, drawings at the moment. I’m going to listen to hubby and one thing at a time. But looking at my notes I feel in over my head.
Ive two incredible tutors who I want to prove I have what it takes. I want to show them I’m worth it that I can be top of class. That I’m going to be a great chef. I want to prove to my hubby and kids that the sucifices they make for me are worth it. I want to succeed not fail. I feel expected to get gold and winner of class in all three. Maybe I’m putting that expectation on myself. It feels to much. God I just hope I can pull it all off.
Everyone 🙂 this year I go to sleep blissfully happy. My darling hubby snoring softy in bed, my kids happy, pressies under the tree, plenty of delicious food in the fridge. We’ve faced the lowest times and the highest. We as a family have battled mental health, mamas breast cancer, my cancer scares, my son’s best friend died, my daughter horrificly bullied. Yet my hubby came home, he’s starting a business. My son again did excellent at school, and went on his first job interview. My daughter has gained confidence and her business a great success. As for me I start chef training, graduated and got accepted into my advanced diploma, whilst working.
Most of all I’m grateful my family is alive, safe, happy and together. Happy Christmas everyone
Seriously I’m so tired and drain yet I just can’t seem to sleep. The past few nights it’s been after 3am when I’ve fallen asleep. Now it’s 12:30am, whilst I’m mentally, emotionally and physically drained I can’t seem to sleep. I’ve tried relaxing. Getting heaps of things done, house work, baking, cooking, awesome time with my kids, calls with my hubby. I’ve listened to my mindfulness meditation apps. 3 different ones over and over. I’ve tried just trying to sleep. I could lie and pretend I have no idea what’s causing my latest sleep issues, but reality I know exactly what I is. Despite make positive memories on hard dates. Positive thinking. All that crap. I swear I envy those who can lay down at night and fall in to a restful, dream free sleep. To wake feeling rested and alert. I should be use to it. Instead I logged on to here and ramble on.
This time a year ago our life as we built it changed. For me unexpected, scary, heartbreaking. I don’t want to rehash it right now. But I finally fell asleep at 3:30ish this morning after tosing and turning playing into my fear and anxiety I woke this morning. To a call from my hubby. He’s away for work and I’m struggling with it. He was ringing just to tell me he loved me and will be back. The word’s that mean the most to me in our marriage. Then it dawned on me something my hubby told me last week. We need to make new memories on days that have been hard in the past. So today instead of focusing on all the thoughts screaming around my head I’m going to focus on good things. We’re going to a jewellery party then this evening I’m taking my mama and kids to a kids Christmas lights. I went to as a kid. So heres to making an effort to change my mindset and keep focusing on the future
For the first time in a long time I feel like we’ve had real positives as a whole family today. Smiles, support, encouragement, contributing, plans, understanding, thanks, and so much more. But most of all progress.
Such a proud moment to have tears of happiness instead of fear. I have so much hope for the future
How ever I truly hope it’s my fears not my reality. I guess only time will tell. I’m low I found some hard truths today that just proved again I’m clueless at picking up sign from those im closet to. Oh well time to go do some mindfulness meditation and attempt sleep. And hope like hell I wake tomorrow with a fresh prospective. It hurts being triggered so much from past events that I can’t change or fix. Not can I prevent them from happening again. I have to allow others to find there footing, feel their emotions and process in there own ways. Even though it’s tearing my heart in a million pieces. So so many unanswered questions. Sometimes life just feels that no matter how hard I try to succeed as a wife, a mama , a student and chef that it’ll never be good enough, that as soon as I feel positive the negatives slide in.
From teen Mom, highschool dropout. To proud wife, mama of two and chef graduate. After 12 months I’ve finally finish my chef training level four. Going onto my level 5 diploma next year. So proud to finally have achieved an good education. I’ve always been to scare to try. But I passed with 20 out of 24 practical dishes first attempt, merits and distinction in theory. Thank God for my hubby and kids. They’ve put up with so much, me been gone for hours, days between full time study and work. Me being distracted, tried, emotional. I’ve done this for me, but them as well. I do worry I’ve been gone from them to much. I’m looking forward to spending time together as a family, one on one time with the kids and quality time with my sailor. Just one day into my break I’ve realised how tired the kids are, it’s been a huge year for them, to much heartache. And today I’ve seen how much my hubby is struggling. In many ways I feel he’s doing so well, working so hard with the gardens and our future, providing emotional support, kind, loving. But it dawned on me he is struggling. I know I’ve contributed to it. That makes me sad. We can all have our tough days, I just really hope he knows I’m truly here for him. Not to judge him, or to try fix things. But to walk beside him, support him. I let him down a year ago but never again. I’m grateful I’ve finished school for the year. I can finally concentrate on being a good wife and mama.
Please hug your babies a little tight, tell you partner you love them. Ring your mama or dad. Don’t go to sleep angry. Life as you know it can be over in a flash. Last week I found out my ex mother in law passed away. The world I’ve created for myself is changed and due to not wanting to opening old hurt for my ex-step children I stayed away from the funeral. She wasn’t part of my life anymore but she was for a long time. I have a lot of respect for the woman who hard a life that would’ve broken us. I had put her death into a box. Looking at my positives my new life, my loyalty and live is for my husband, my children, my mum. Plodding along this we’re good. Until today when I got a message from my 15 yr old son. All it said was “mum”. Then he told me he found out his best friend who changed schools last year had died yesterday. I raced to my baby he was with the school counselor. He saw me and just cried and let me hug him. His friend was only 15. And he’s dead. He was chilling with 2 mates a few weeks ago, no drugs or drinking. 2 boys went to make something to eat and came back to this child unconscious. They preformed CPR and called an ambulance. He was taking to hospital, and put on life support. Yesterday his parents had to make the devastating decision to turn of his life support. They believe it was a unknown heart problems. The scary part this child had talked for a few years about suicide. It’s broken my son he’s blocked it. Pretending like nothing’s changed. Its self protection. He’s talked to me. But I don’t know what to say. I want to protect him but I can’t. A mama should protect. It’s brought up so much. We have had in many ways a fantastic year. But the trumia we have suffered has been horrific. I nearly lost both my mum and husband this year, had two cancer scares, my daughter bullied severely, and normal life. And now at 15 fucken years old my son has lost his best friend. Yup life’s not fucken fair. I just want to protect those closer to me and I can only watch as they go through there struggles. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry instead I have to study as I’m graduating in 5 weeks. I really need that magic wand about now.
This week it’s dawned on me that for the 1st time in nearly 15 years old being a mama to my beautiful babies. That Im not longer a single/solo mama. Things are so strong with my hubby. My generous, loving, incredible sailor. Not only do I feel feel supported, but I know my kids do to. It’s an amazing feeling. I never thought I’d feel like this. I always thought I’d feel like a single mum. Doing get me wrong I loved being me and the kids. But knowing i not only have my hubby back. But we have him back. I feel we’re strong now then ever before. We had some of the most heart breaking times. And I no doubt we’ll have tough times. But I now know we’re in this together. I’ve never felt more content, more supported, more loved. Tears are welling up at the pure happiness and pride I have in my hubby, our kids and myself. Life is magical.