It’s not like I didn’t already feel like a bad mum

And she just added to it. I went to drop my daughter off at school, have a catch up with her teacher. First comment. Oh wow you’ve not been here for a long time. No shit Sherlock. I’m a full time student, my child goes to care when I’m in class. I have commitments I need to keep. Once again she brushed aside my daughter struggling with her learning.

I felt I should let the school know about my darling struggling with the thoughts of hurting herself. Explain I’m setting up therapy. And that she may need a hour or so off school a week to attend. This was fine. She then asked if it’s because of being in care. Four days a week she booked in for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. But only goes when I’m in class. More often then not she’s not there before school and picked up early. Then proceeded to tell me my child knows to much of my problems and I need to learn not to talk in front of her and stop telling her my feelings. I told her clearly that I will keep telling her when hubby and I have our group and therapy. I will tell her if I’m feeling happy, angry or sad. She pushed that I tell her what I discuss in therapy. Absolutely fucken not. We tell her that we go to learn tools to help us in our futures, that it’s ok to be open and talk about how we feel. That it’s a strength not weakness to seek help if one needs it. I don’t give her details of what’s talked about because she’s a bloody kids. I already hold guilt for what’s she’s going through. A mama should be able to protect her child from this kind of pain. I missed signs once again. And didn’t know it was so bad. Logically I know it’s not my fault and I didn’t cause it. But emotionally I feel like it is. Bow this damn emotionally uneducated teacher has pushed the blame onto me. I’m a mum and wife first. I study full-time and work to better our future. I’m a present mum, I’m emotionally available, I’m physically there. And this bitch is fucken clueless. My 9 year old is thinking of hurting herself. That’s self harm. Dangerous scarey life changing. I will fight for her. I just am blow away

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Anxietys a bitch

Lately my anxiety has been flaring up. I’m starting to feel down. My moods are so flat. I’m unreasonable, and unfair. But I’m trying really hard to pull myself out of it. I’m feeling under so much pressure. I’m not sure how to balance life. I work hard at school I feel like I’m away from family. I’m hanging with family but worry I’m not taking care of them well enough. As expected school’s intense. 20 days to major comps. A 6 course dessert dego a week later. On top of false accusations of being a bully and having to face the woman daily. Mum just had her one year cancer specialist, thankfully still cancer free but scarey. Hard watching mum still emotionally struggling. Then my baby girl. Looks like she starts therapy in the next few weeks, hard emotionally to organise and it’s hit me hard and I see hubby’s struggling. We’re waiting for the hospital to contact hubby about tests for sleep apnea, I worry bout him I can’t help it he’s my darling. Then my boy has his follow up to find out if he has glycoma with his eyes. Then on top of that out of the blue I got call from the hospital saying they want to see me for my follow up on 3 breast cancer scares. I just don’t want to deal with it.

I struggle then I get guilt for not being there properly for my hubby n kids. Then I try pull myself up, n something else hits me. And I feel bad again. I’m over headaches all but daily. I’m over physically every day. I’m tired of being tired.

I’ll pick up I don’t have any other choice. But damn to many bloody elephants

She’s still only a baby

My baby girl. She’s only 9 years old. Our darling has struggled with being bullied severely over the years, struggles with school, now with this autoimmune skin disorder vitiligo. Our darling feels so hard, heart on her sleeve. She cares to much what others think of her. She has compassion, love empathy. She’s a fixer. We’re spending time teaching her to stand up for herself, to be a strong independent girl. To accept herself. To teach her skills to do well in life even though she struggles with schooling, that’s she’s still brilliant. That she’s beautiful and loved.

Today I feel as her mum I’ve let her down. Lately she has been getting scared at night, nightmares, fears, suddenly sleeping with the door open. I comfort her as does my hubby. But we’ve realised it’s becoming a pattern. So are being firm. Today she was sent upstairs to relax. We’ve just got her a princess bed and re done her room so she can relax in her bedroom and play. I hear her sobbing. I call her and she says she’s fine. I call her again. She tells me she’s scared to be on her own. Last term kids were telling her scary story’s (bloody Mary was one) she said she knows they’re not real but they scare her. She then asks me to take and hide her pin crafts grandma bought her. I asked why and she told me she is scared she she’s thinking about hurting herself. I’m shocked by this and immediately get protective. She gave me the pins n beads and I tucked them away. Hubby and I talked to her to try to get a better understanding on what’s going on. She gives us examples. When she’s physically hurt by the bullies, she gets so angry, but doesn’t want to hurt them. Instead thinks of hurting herself. She said she doesn’t want to but keeps thinking it. Another example when she thinks of the scary story’s, she wants to stop thinking it to make it go away. When she can’t, she thinks about hurting herself. I really had not idea she was thinking this. We’re in tune and talk often. About everything, thoughts, feelings life. She can come to us and she does.

I’m scared for her, the talk of thoughts of harming herself scare me. Hubby and I talked we’re going to the doctor’s, to get a referral to cafs and birthright which is physiocgist for child. I’ll push for her to get help. She is open to talking to a therapist.

It just scares me. I have a past of self harm and attempts, my hubby does, my mum’s has bipolar. Many people I know struggle with mental health. My 15 year old son has anxiety. I was talked to about 4 years ago, bpd (my dignosis) can be hereditary. She has many of the same traits I do. We’re identical as kids. I want to help her and protect her from this pain. This cruel world. How does the most beautiful little girl struggle so young with things adults can begin to process.

When I reached out for help as a young teen, I wished someone took me seriously and got me help. I won’t let her down again I’ll fight to get this precious child support and tools. I’m not going to watch mental health distory my child like it nearly did me and my hubby.

God I just want to hold her and never let go

Comp practice one month till the big weekend

In a month I’m competing with my son in a big cooking competition. So been getting my practice on for one of my entrys. Bailey’s cheese cake, with a centre of espresso dark chocolate cremeux, a dark chocolate mirror glaze and will be decorated with chocolate cover roasted coffee beans, Bailey’s cream, a tempered chocolate curls and gold leaf. Starting to get excited. Love glazing desserts brings a sense of satisfaction

Obsessed

About three weeks ago I got gifted a scoby and starter tea, so milk kafir grains. I’d been talking to a friend about starting my girl on probotics. A few months ago she was diagnosed with an autoimmune skin disorder vitiligo, where she losing the pigment in her skin. And at the same time she’s had trouble with her tummy and severe car sickness. Also my hubby has been struggling with his energy levels. So I gave it a start.

Now I’ve become obsessive.

Starting with kombucha, so many flavours, from raspberry, strawberry, mango and ginger, blackcurrant

On to fermented feijoa fizzy just using the skins

Onto my milk powder and culture starter yogurt in both thick Greek style and drinkable

Then wanting to expand I’ve started aa ginger beer bug

Realising my milk kafir grains were sick I was gifted a new lot which I’ve started today fingers crossed

And lastly I adore making bread so wanted to make a sour Dough starter. Why make one right when I can make two. So attempting a wholemeal and a high ratio stater

Since I started my baby girl has only had a few sore times, bloatings gone and no car sickness. I’m hoping in time it’ll help my hubby and I love my 15yr old enjoys it all to.

Win win. Being creative while helping my family

It’s been a long time

Since I posted last. Life’s crazy busy but I love it. I’m back at school level five diploma in patisserie. We have regional comps coming up end of next month. And I’m feeling under pressure. Last year I entered two. A live which I received winner of class and a silver medal. And a static which I received a silver medal, and by points I came officially second against a chef with more experience. I’m still so proud. But now the comps are coming up I’m feeling odd. I’m entering 3 this year wear as many of my class are entering one.

I’m competing in the artisan bread static, where I have to produce 3 loafs, a lean, enriched and flat bread, with condiments. So I’ll do a double hydration cibbata loaf. A duck fat and bacon brioche and a foccaica still not sure which. I’ll make a artichoke ppaste and homemade butter.

Then the cheesecake, I’m doing a Bailey’s white chocolate cheesecake with a espresso, dark chocolate cremeux in the centre, a dark chocolate glaze, garnished with Bailey’s cream, chocolate covered coffee beans and gold leaf.

Then the dessert live I have 1 hour to produce a restaurant quality dessert. I’m doing a short crust tart, with raspberry fuild gel, cream cheese mousse, mango cream. Garnished with fresh mango and cubes of set raspberry gel, likely with flowers and gold leaf.

Issue being I feel overwhelmed. I had disasters for my practice runs and felt like a failure. Hubby said to focus on one element at a time and perfect that. Father then the whole item.

So I’m preparing my notes, recipes, drawings at the moment. I’m going to listen to hubby and one thing at a time. But looking at my notes I feel in over my head.

Ive two incredible tutors who I want to prove I have what it takes. I want to show them I’m worth it that I can be top of class. That I’m going to be a great chef. I want to prove to my hubby and kids that the sucifices they make for me are worth it. I want to succeed not fail. I feel expected to get gold and winner of class in all three. Maybe I’m putting that expectation on myself. It feels to much. God I just hope I can pull it all off.

Merry Christmas 

Everyone 🙂 this year I go to sleep blissfully happy. My darling hubby snoring softy in bed, my kids happy, pressies under the tree, plenty of delicious food in the fridge. We’ve faced the lowest times and the highest. We as a family have battled mental health, mamas breast cancer, my cancer scares, my son’s best friend died, my daughter horrificly bullied. Yet my hubby came home, he’s starting a business. My son again did excellent at school, and went on his first job interview. My daughter has gained confidence and her business a great success. As for me I start chef training, graduated and got accepted into my advanced diploma, whilst working.

Most of all I’m grateful my family is alive, safe, happy and together. Happy Christmas everyone

This is getting bloody ridiculous

Seriously I’m so tired and drain yet I just can’t seem to sleep. The past few nights it’s been after 3am when I’ve fallen asleep. Now it’s 12:30am, whilst I’m mentally, emotionally and physically drained I can’t seem to sleep. I’ve tried relaxing. Getting heaps of things done, house work, baking, cooking, awesome time with my kids, calls with my hubby. I’ve listened to my mindfulness meditation apps. 3 different ones over and over. I’ve tried just trying to sleep. I could lie and pretend I have no idea what’s causing my latest sleep issues, but reality I know exactly what I is. Despite make positive memories on hard dates. Positive thinking. All that crap. I swear I envy those who can lay down at night and fall in to a restful, dream free sleep. To wake feeling rested and alert. I should be use to it. Instead I logged on to here and ramble on.

Making new memories on a day the brings sadness

This time a year ago our life as we built it changed. For me unexpected, scary, heartbreaking. I don’t want to rehash it right now. But I finally fell asleep at 3:30ish this morning after tosing and turning playing into my fear and anxiety I woke this morning. To a call from my hubby. He’s away for work and I’m struggling with it. He was ringing just to tell me he loved me and will be back. The word’s that mean the most to me in our marriage. Then it dawned on me something my hubby told me last week. We need to make new memories on days that have been hard in the past. So today instead of focusing on all the thoughts screaming around my head I’m going to focus on good things. We’re going to a jewellery party then this evening I’m taking my mama and kids to a kids Christmas lights. I went to as a kid. So heres to making an effort to change my mindset and keep focusing on the future

Blessed

For the first time in a long time I feel like we’ve had real positives as a whole family today. Smiles, support, encouragement, contributing, plans, understanding, thanks, and so much more. But most of all progress. 

Such a proud moment to have tears of happiness instead of fear. I have so much hope for the future