Wow 5 years since I started this blog

so much has changed for me. I was at my lowest point, out of hospital after 2 attempts technically homeless in a caravan. With out my children, in an a mentally abusive and controlli relationship. My future was dull, the life sucked out of me.

Now I’ve a home, my children with me. An amazing husband. I’m a qualified chef and studing a diploma in patisserie. About to go on a two week holiday.

Amazing how times can change. My lows now aren’t so low my highs I celebrate.

So grateful for what I have, love, success, family and a bright future.

Big thanks to all nearly 22 thousand of you. Some who have followed me from my first post. Wow just thankful for life

Can’t seem to win

If it’s not one person pissy or upset with me it’s another. No matter how much I do for other people never seems like it’s enough. I’m tired to. I’m mentally drained, I’m an emotional mess. Cut me some bloody slack

We went to hell and back

Over the past few weeks with being in competition and me losing my mind but so many positives. We gained strength as a family unit really supporting and backing each other. I’m proud of all of us. My hubby really backing me emotionally and physically. Being there for the kids in so many ways. Being patient beyond all expectations. Believing in me when I didn’t. Showing our son what real support from a dad is. Protecting our girl and guiding her in ways she hasn’t experienced. Stepping up around the house to take pressure off me. All the while never complaining. Watching our boy gain a confidence he was lacking, pride in himself and his cooking. Having him and I grow closer having a bond of food and competing.

Originally I was going to enter three classes in the comp and our boy one. But the pressure of life got on top of me. So I dropped one. This past weekend it was time. I was due to drop my statics in the comp. On the way my cheesecake started slipping off the plate, then melting. But some how managed to get the cheese cake and artisan bread up.

Bailey’s and white chocolate cheesecake with a dark chocolate and espresso cremeux, glazed with a dark chocolate mirror glaze. A different Bailey’s cream cheese icing, garnished with chocolate and gold leaf.

For the breads I had to produce three different types so I made a 18 hr double hydration ciabatta. A laminated and plaited duck fat and bacon brioche and a garlic and rosemary foccicia. I also add artichoke paste and whipped butter.

Sadly we didn’t get a photo of the actual comp dish of my boys but he did the veg soup live, he made a borscht with a horse radish and sour cream garnished with chives

We had prize giving and we place extremely well.

Our boy received a silver medal and over all winner of class, along side awesome prizes

And I won 2 silver medals

One of the proudest moments as a competitor, a mum and as a family


Between comps, 11 days away and chef keeps changing my entry and is pushing me to far. My baby had her 1st therapy session on her own and it was hard and drained her completely, felt I should’ve kept her home with me instead of sending her to the place she’s bullied, but laws make her go to school. Then my boys been mucked around by his teacher with the comp and I’m having to scramble to Get everything he needs in time. My hubby’s backs playing up and sadly despite me trying not to. I’m a cranky insecure and not nice to be around. And he has to pick up the pieces.

Why the hell do I over complicate life to damn much. I do it for myself

Good bitches baking

Super excited I first heard about good bitches baking earlier in the year. They’re a charitable trust which started 3 years again by two mum’s wanting to give back. So they started baking and gifting it to those in need or having a tough time. Like hospitals, women’s refuge, mental health etc. Well last night I signed up. I’m now a volunteer ggb. You can choose to bake as often as you like I’ll start monthly for now. Just feels good to give a little back in a creative way

Happy Mama’s day

The cake I made my mama for mother’s day. A tradition of making her a cake each year 6th year. Progressed so much since the first year. Seven layers of chocolate cake with raspberry and butter cream. Handmade roses, flowers and leafs.

Trying to focus on our positives and there is

So many. I said to hubby the other night how can I be so miserable yet so happy. It’s odd. There’s so many pressures atm yet my positives do by far out weigh them. I’m finding it is helping to write again. Just to let it out. Regardless of if people read my blog or respond. It’s give me an outlet. In many ways it’s something away from life, pressures, school, work. Yet it’s about those things. When I write I just write. I don’t correct anything I’ve written, I don’t spell check, I don’t give a fuxk about Grammer haha couldn’t spell fuck and I don’t care hehe. I’m off to bed been a huge day and another tomorrow. But then I get family time. I get to bake and decorate my Mama’s mother’s day cake and we have Mama’s day on Sunday. From Tuesday life will be crazy. But you know what as hubby told me the other morning I’ve got this and we’ve got this.

Thank God for therapy right

Saw my therapist yesterday, had a complete melt down, tears, angry, hurt. I told her all my fears I’d kept hidden within myself. Realising I do have a good support network. I was triggered walking in to the building where Im getting my daughter help. Because when I’d been under them last. I had my break down, 2 attempts on my life and self harm. Due to my mental health I lost care of my kids, through false allegations and it took me months of fighting to get them home with me. I need to work on processing it and putting it back in its place. After therapy my girl asked me to hide my knifes so she can’t hurt herself (I’m a chef). As a family we talked through things. Then I broke down with hubby. But I realised he’s scared to, feels helpless. I’m not alone. I felt alone but I’m not. We as a family banded together. We as a family face this together not appart. It’s the start of a long journey but we’ve got each other. I’m not on my own with this. It’s not all on my shoulders. God I needed that. I needed to just break for a moment so I could regroup. While all the feelings are still there I’m feeling a sense of relief to