I feel silly

But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man

When your baby looks to you

To take away her pain and you can only hug her, is one of the most painful parts of parenting. I’ve had her back at the docs for a second half cast. It was horrible. Not only we’re we delayed and their a few hours, but when we were actually seen the doctor barely even acknowledged my girl n I, but wouldn’t answer questions. Then the nurse was rude and really rough, not seeming to care the pain this child was in. Because of that we were home past her dinner and bed time which had her over tired. Laying next to her just reassuring her, giving her cuddles, she looked miserable wanting me to take the pain away. So hard when all we want to do is make it all better

No quite going to plan

My girl had her first day at holiday programme yesterday. Within a few hours I got a call saying she’d hurt herself and could I come and check on her. I got there she’d had a heavy fall on her elbow from the playground. They’d done everything right, iced and strapped it. She said it didn’t really hurt. But later she told me it did but she didn’t want to leave. We’d headed to the doctors to find out she’s broken her elbow, has a half slab cast waiting for the hospital to make contact to put a full cast on. Really proud of how she’s coping. Last holidays she was in a cast having broken her foot. Its heaps easier for her but the pains worse. Feel for her and hoping its the last bone she breaks for long time. Now to try and no wrap her in cotton wool and let her do things. Even though its not my fault I’m feeling pretty guilty at 8 years old she’s had two breaks in 5 months. Slowly learning that I can’t actually 100% protect people I love despite wanting to. Can only be there to support them

Another great but intense week

Last week I had my very first practical assessment. 3hrs, 3 dishes plus 3 sauces. and I aced it!!!! So proud of myself. I learnt so much and heaps of room for improvement but I passed the whole lot. Only three of us in the whole class of 20+ don’t have to resit. I truly didn’t think I could do it especially so well. And having my hubby, kids n mama proud made it all worth it. 

The next day we got our 400+ book of culinary terms to learn. Heaps in French. That night hubby n I went through all of them I’m surprised how much I already know. It was the best study session. Having laughs. Just spending time with sailor and his encouragement keeps boosting me up. And my boy got the highest marks for his maths exam an excellence.

Wednesday I was in class and got a text through. I immediately went to make a call. To my mama, she had surgery about 3 weeks ago for breast cancer having both removed. Everyone blew me away from her strength and positive mindframe, hubbys endless support. The kids coping well, other support from family. She’s had just been back to the surgeon. To be told the surgery was a complete success. She is officially CANCER FREE!!! that’s right no more cancer. I got back to class and just lost it, my class was incredibly supportive and sent me out for some time to process. Then as a class went to dinner and one shouted me a beer to celebrate.

The rest of the week has been about family since were all on school holidays. Hubby treated me to lots of cooking goodies and then since I’m entering a cooking comp soon. He got all the ingredients for me to practice plus a bottle of wine. I’ve love cooking for everyone, dinner together. Easter goodies. Plus our pinic with our extended family. The first since me and sailor have been back in contact felt like a huge milestone. Oh and then we had a cyclone. I was scared especially when my hubby had to drive back to his place in the middle of it, but by morning we had clear skies.

I feel like I’ve had a small break through today. My Anxiety’s been pretty high.I’ve felt unorganised, overwhelmed. In a sense out of control. My girls been playing up but thanks to my hubby chatting to her she’s turned a corner. He also did such a amazing job working on our yard its lookkng massive. I hung out with my boy today and best mate. Then tonight cooked a massive healthy meal, cleaned, and sorted my diary and to do list for school. I’ve had a chance to stop now and have realised a few things

That I can have positives without waiting for the ball to drop. I need to focus on the positives more then my fears. Like hubby working on his recovery and doing so well. He’s making me so proud. Just to hear him laugh is magic. That even with the ups n downs I am a good mum raising great kids. With the last four months surrounded by sickness and the fear of losing two of my best friends, I’ve realised I need to look at life not death. Im grateful to be on holidays, I also am facing triggers which is going to help me in the long term. I start counciling in a few days I’ve been more anxious then I realised about it. Telling another person my story. Having to trust someone new. The biggest having to face some of the situations from the past 4 months I’d rather not. But for myself and my family I’ll do it. I’ll battle on I’ll keep myself mentally well. And I’ll focus on the positives that are happening instead of the negative. Sorry for the novel bloggers time for bed. Have a great week

A positive mood to end a good weekend

Sitting here just winding down I’m feeling pretty lucky. I have my first practical kitchen assessment in the morning 3 hours 3 dishes 3 sauces and a work plan. Yesterday I got the ingredients together to practice one of my dishes, loved having my hubby n kids try it. It boosted me up, I made errors but I knew why and how to change them. Spent time with my little family and went on to study completing my work plan.

Then today I woke spent time with my mama and extended family, organising a family picnic next week, headed to school to print out my work. And back home to spend time with my hubby. He surprised me by buying prawns, scallops and squid so I could practice more for my assessment. Add my sweet chilli sauce and made a burnt butter sauce. 

We chatted about my food, and assessment. You know what blows me away. The support I have from not only my kids but my hubby. I’ve realised this weekend I’ve come along way. I know a lot more then I realised. Sailor was asking me so many questions, and turns out I know more French terms then I believed I did. 

To hear my hubby say he believes in me, that I’ve got this. Has gone along way n boosting my confidence up. It still surprises me. Ive spent my life with people telling me I’d amount to nothing, that I’m useless,  and the sad part I believed them. So instead of sitting here anxious I’m instead excited but nervous. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I cant wait to get in the kitchen. My passion and drive has over come the complete utter fear.

Also a big part of study means I’ve felt pulled between life as a student and that of a wife and mum. I’m trying to find the balance so I told my 8 year old she could make banana pancakes. So proud we had mum n daughter time. And my girl felt so proud dishing up her very own pudding. Help he collect the ingredients, make the batter then cook them, was awesome. She even flipped them herself. Before we know it our girl will be able to make them all on her own. Getting home from dropping hubby off my boy told me just how happy he is that were standing time as a family, eating meals together and just chatting, laughing all being g playful.

So as I sit here knowing I have a hubby who loves me, kids who a growing up so well, my school stuff ready for the morning. I’m realise that despite the challenges we as a family face that I’m one lucky women. And I’m more grateful now for what I have then I ever have. 

Feeling like I’m second guessing myself tonight

I’m drained, I’m tired, I should be sleeping but my mind is in overload. Today’s been a good day. Mixed with sadness and confusion. Maybe its just the past few months finally catching up with me. Maybe its because I’ve been busy with school. We had our first two nights of live productions, part of my course is that we run the restaurant open to the public. It was intense, but amazing. Last night I realised I’d not being anxious or nervous. I know why. Because for the first time I walked in and realised I was home. Crazy right. I felt like I’d finally cound the career I have searched my life for. I felt confident. It felt right. Hearing such positive feedback from customers and tutors. We all did well despite kitchen hickups. I learnt so much. I arrived home to my hubby. He’d taken care of the kids while I was at school. Checking on my babies. I was happy knowing I had my 3 favourite people there with me. It felt so natural and normal.

But getting home tonight reality kicked in. My son greeted me happy I was home, after his first evening by himself at home. He’d been nervous, but relaxed straight away. My girl is away for the night my best mate looking after her since class finished so late. And my sailor not home. I can’t text him goodnight because she left his phone here and I need to drop it to him in the morning. Tonight feels wrong. I wondered around cleaning up, distracted by my reality. Plus I have my first major assessment for class. Even ones been positive for me and supporting me. I love that. But im also scared 3 dishes and 3 sauces in 3 hours. I have to complete my work plan to even enter the assessment and I’m thing myself up in knots. I’m frustrated in myself for letting the fear get to me. 

Then in the morning I have my therapy with the lady from mental health family support agency. She’s awesome. Uplifting and straight up. I can open up and talk to her. Hard though cause she for the last few weeks has pushed me to place I just don’t want to deal with. I have to but it brings the raw emotions to the surface that I just want to bury. She’s referred me to another counciling service she thinks will help but means I have to bring up so much for them to actually help me. I know in the long run it’s what I need so I can work though everything. But it means talking to people about tough things and I don’t know where to begin. I don’t want to upset those I’m close with by voicing what’s in my head. I am talking but something’s are so difficult and I don’t want to say anything and have it come out wrong. I wish others would bring up the tough things so I do t have to.  I really wish I could just bury my head in the sand and ignoring the hard things so I can focus on what I choose. I was triggered today. Something that was positive but also angered and upset me. I’m over everything being a double edged sword. I want answers that I’ll never receive. I don’t know how to get closure without them. 

Well time to stop bleating on and being poor me. I think mindfulness meditation is called for so I can sleep and start again fresh tomorrow hopefully with a more positive outlook

Argh help please fellow bloggers

Study help please fellow bloggers I’m a visual hands on learner

I’m studying level 4 chef training and loving it. I’m keeping up and doing well but having a few struggles.

Practical classes I’m doing well, I video the classes and from there watch them and write my notes. Its time consuming but working.

When it comes to theory I’m getting a bit worried. I can read the text books and understand everything but when it come to remembering a few days later I get mind blanks. 

We have our first big exam in July with food safety and multi choice culinary. Also will be getting a list off approx 400 culinary terms we have to remember and understand what they are, plus most are in French. Scared coz at school (I’m nearly 33) I flunked all my exams because I panicked and froze. Feeling the pressure because I got top front of house student last year but was only level 2. And I want to prove to myself and everyone that I’m actually good at something

What’s some study tips so I can improve my recall? 

4.5 hours 

Study done after 5+ hours of housework, cooking etc its now midnight and I’m ready to pack it in for the night. I love studying, bit I envy those who have a flare for recall and study. I do practical and I ace it. I read a text book and its gone. Super frustrating. But my hard work will pay off. Sadly my Hubby’s been away for work and won’t be back for another 4-5 days. But tomorrow Ive got a busy day. But enjoyable. My kids want to go to my school. So we’ll head in and get my work all printed out and check it all out again. Then will head over to my mums to check up on her after her op and to hang out. We’ll head to town to buy my boy new school shoes. Movie with my girl. House work. More study. Then a long hot bubble bath and a glass of bubbles. 

Whrn you feel like its your fault

But logically know its not. I know that if someone’s intent on attempting suicide that there’s nothing another person can do to stop them. Maybe you can for a day, a week, a month but if that’s what they want they’ll do it. I know I couldn’t have stopped him my god I tried. I’m grateful he was found and cut down and lived. I’m grateful I didn’t lose my best friend my world. Is it not hard enough, the guilt for not stopping him, self blame for not pushing to get him more help, fear it’ll happen again. Is it not enough that I’ve only recently learned of this horrific experience he had. But to learn in the police report that they believed it was because of our marriage even tho he refused to talk about why. And he has told me it was no way my fault. Is it not enough they never told me. Is it not enough that I begged for him to get help. To feel attacked and blamed just fuels the pain and guilt. My heart feels broken tonight as I try and busy myself from the thought of what if, if only. From the thoughts that I nearly lost my precious sailor, I nearly had to bury a man who is so amazing and loved, cherished and needed. This is something I don’t even know how tobegin to process. Thank god he is seeking help and allowing me to support him. I just don’t know how to stop thinking, thoughts swirling, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears threatening to overflow. Thank god my darling is alive