Once again

Its nearly midnight and I’m wide awake. I’ve had a great day, hanging out with my kids. I took my son to fast and the furious 8 at the movies earlier. I promised him at Christmas that he’d get to go when it was at the theatre. And by a stroke of luck my pay went in early due to public holidays on Tuesday. So I could take him finally. Felt like much needed mum n son relaxing bonding time and we had a blast. Having spent lots of time with my girl lately, he’d done really well making that happen felt great to have one on one time. I was missing hubby heaps tonight so got the house cleaned up, homemade pumpkin soup for dinner. Then finally got a few hours study done. Finally feel like I’m getting on top of practical things.

I am struggling with a few things. Over thinking. But hey what’s new that’s me right lol. I started with a new councilor last week. And two things struck me since. 

One. I realised that I’m really detached from a few things at the moment. Really matter of fact. Able to talk about some things regarding my hubby without emotion, also mums cancer. I know it can be “normal”. Dealing with some major emotions can just be to hard. I know to heal and move past them I need to process everything. But in same ways my minds protecting me from the fact I very nearly lost my two best friends in such a short space of time. I thought I was dealing with them. But I’m shutting them out. Trying to block and avoid the things I need to deal with the most and it scares me. If I deal with them I have to face it head on and the thought breaks me. If I don’t deal with it all its going to cone back and hurt me later. I can’t even figure out where to begin. I wish I didn’t have to.

Two. The councilor brought up PTSD. Or post traumatic stress disorder. She didn’t diagnose me but strong implied she believes I have it. First reaction was, whatever dumb bitch doesn’t know me and I brushed it off. Second was, have I not got enough labels. Have i not had enough of them to last a life time. Over the years ive had or do have Bpd, depression, reactional depression, anxiety, insomnia, self harm, 2 suicide attempts, ocd, nightmares and night terrors, sleep eating. Some say while not an eating disorder, eating issues. and now PTSD. Third reaction. How can I have that when it didn’t actually happen to me. I didn’t see the event? I’m not getting into details, but I am having struggles with intense fear, I’m super jumpy all the time, anxious with situations I never use to be, and my nightmares are worse, they’re horrific and so vivid. But still didn’t witness it and as I said it didn’t happen to me. So I can’t understand how I could have PTSD because of it and a few other things. I’m not going to blame the situation for the way I’m feeling. I just don’t know again how to process it. Especially when I’m so grateful that even though it happened, it didn’t turn into my worst nightmare, its a work in progress yet still so many positive steps are happening. 

Anyways I’m rambling again. So I’m going to head offline. And do some mindfulness. Unwind and get some sleep. Tomorrows a new day

I feel silly

But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man

Whrn you feel like its your fault

But logically know its not. I know that if someone’s intent on attempting suicide that there’s nothing another person can do to stop them. Maybe you can for a day, a week, a month but if that’s what they want they’ll do it. I know I couldn’t have stopped him my god I tried. I’m grateful he was found and cut down and lived. I’m grateful I didn’t lose my best friend my world. Is it not hard enough, the guilt for not stopping him, self blame for not pushing to get him more help, fear it’ll happen again. Is it not enough that I’ve only recently learned of this horrific experience he had. But to learn in the police report that they believed it was because of our marriage even tho he refused to talk about why. And he has told me it was no way my fault. Is it not enough they never told me. Is it not enough that I begged for him to get help. To feel attacked and blamed just fuels the pain and guilt. My heart feels broken tonight as I try and busy myself from the thought of what if, if only. From the thoughts that I nearly lost my precious sailor, I nearly had to bury a man who is so amazing and loved, cherished and needed. This is something I don’t even know how tobegin to process. Thank god he is seeking help and allowing me to support him. I just don’t know how to stop thinking, thoughts swirling, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears threatening to overflow. Thank god my darling is alive

1:27am and my heads spinnig

Everything from my husbands mental health and being away from our home, to finding him being in contact. To mums breast cancer and her upcoming surgery to have both breasts removed and likely cemo. To my school loving it but its super intense. To trying to be a good mum to my kids. To the lump mY doc found in my breast and waiting on tests. To trying to juggle everything from the house to finding some time so me n hubby can get together and go on a date to trying to figure out how to tell him about my lump without scarying him and having him either go steps backwards mentally or coming home and wrapping me in cotton wool. Yes there’s positives but there’s so many scary unknowns and waiting for so many answers. 

Please don’t say be patient and have hope that it’ll work out how its meant to. That what dsnt kill ya makes ya stronger. Someone else has it worse or that my struggles don’t mean anything

They’re real they’re big they are my life. I’ve been thrown so many things that I can’t begin to wrap my head around. Having two people I love literary fighting for their lives, my health unknown all the while raising and trying to emotionally support two kids who are struggling. All the while being married but a single mum again struggling to be in fulltime study, work parttime, taking care of all the financial, and all the cooking and cleaning, whilst trying to find time to do therapy, get my marriage on track, taking care n supporting my mama. I’m sleeping but a few hours a night, I have no appetite at all, lost weight, an doctors aren’t supporting my goal to keep mentally week. 

I’m treading water 24/7 trying to keep upbove water. All with responsibilities I can not drop.

I need a break so badly from my mind, to just get a good sleep recharge to be the mum, wife, daughter and student I want to be

1:42am 12/02/2017

Two years since my sailor asked me if it was appropriate if he hit on me. I giggled and said yes. We joked about it often. Early hours of the morning and I want to sleep. But instead my mind is playing our relationship over and over like an old record that won’t stop. Last night prepared I spend hours cleaning to tire myself old, wrote cards to hubby, I had a long hot shower, I listened to my sleep meditation 3 times and fell asleep for half an hour and I’ve been wide awake since.

4 different dbt therapy techniques. Avoid avoiding. Self soothing, distraction and mindfulness meditation. Fat lot of good that did. I’m wanting and needed the impossible. I shouldn’t be alone I should have my husband here with me. Instead he’s god knows where mentally unwell with no one. I need answers. I’m at a stop light that won’t change. I’m trying everything to move forward and I’m getting road blocks every step of the way. I’m lost, I’m broken, I don’t know what to do. Time is not going to help at this point. Until his belongings are gone I have a constant in my face reminder that triggers me. A lawyer told me I can’t get rid of any off hmit without his permission. I’m trying to convince myself he’s gone forever, then I’m reminded that not matter what I do I’m screwed, I’m still considered married, the day he left because he was having a breakdown they’ve said he legal wasn’t of sane mind to make such a decision. But the let him say no contact. The laws on his side, mental health and the hospital is on his side. The support people I have agree that without even a simple answer they cant see a way for me to move forward. I feel trapped by a system that have be negligent to both my husband and I. There’s no way out there’s no way forward. I’m stuck in A hold and all I want is for him safe and home where he belongs. What the hell have I don’t so bad to suffer such a living hell

2017 Day 13

Yesterday I was in a really bad way emotionally so I did the right thing and rung the mental health team. I got stuck with an arsehole who said I should be going to family n gp. I hung up. Ended up calling back and spoke to a guy who actually read my file. He told me he’d have a person from the team ring me each day to check in make sure I’m doing ok until a key worker was assigned to me. 

Well this morning I was shocked when I got the call. The lady was brilliant. Asking how I was coping, we talked about what skills I could use from therapy. She’s suggested at my ok to put me back on a dbt therapy refresher just to go through the skills again to see if there’s something else I can use. I said to her I kbow you can’t give proper details that I want. But can you please just let me know how my hubby is. Its finally dawned on them that a little reassurance is actually beneficial to me n my kids without breaching his privacy. She said she isn’t part of his team but has checked. And the he’s doing ok. I asked if he’s still in treatment. She told me he def is, his team is keeping a close eye on him. I had instant relief. I told her to. She said that they do want to discuss it with me but still aren’t able to. When I responded its ok, I feel abit better just knowing that small snippet of information. 

So I hope they get it know that something so small makes such a huge difference. When my girl asked about her sailor I could tell her they’re taking great care of him. I also followed through with texting him, this time ok knowing I’d not get a response. Just a simple I love you have a great day. So now I need to continue working on trusting that they are looking after my husband. I have to believe and try and step back just a little. Simply because I need to keep well. I alsoreached the decision that its ok to want it to cone home. Its ok to have hope. Its ok to text him. That its ok that even tho I don’t know the outcome will be I can still love and support my husband 

2017 Day 11

What positives. Today my son has been with drawn, my daughter finally lost it begging me to bring her sailor home. I got to my mums she’s upset cause her friend died. Then she let me know tonight a family friend died, just  months after her husband. They’d both been in my life from when I was a baby.

I had my first appointment with a physiotherapist. She was good but could only recommend I keep up with my dbt skills. She had no idea how to help me.

I also had my first appointment with a organisation which helps support people of those who have a loved one with mental health issues. They were great they heard me but that’s where it stopped. They have said I have done everything in my power to help my husband. I’d visited or called every possible person and organisation there is to call. They agree I’ve been treated badly, that the system is flawed. They are going to try to speak to his key worker but are not expecting a positive outcome. Even though they agree after 3 and a half weeks I need to be told more details. To what Hubby’s plans are so I can either keep holding on or let my husband go. I should’ve been aloud to speak with his doctors, been at his discharge meeting at least to show support. That the support worker shouldn’t have had my husband so close that I saw him on Friday. They said it was cruel. They also said that I should be given warning should my husband cone to get his truck so they I have they option weather the kids and I are home. And so I’m not put through anymore anxiety should he just turn up.

So all in all I feel like I’m a complete failed my husband. That I should’ve pushed harder in the months leading to his breakdown. That I should’ve put things in place. That I should’ve heard him when he desperately need me to. What a fucken fuck up of a wife. I hate the mental health system who should’ve listened months ago and helped him before our marriage feel apart. What a cruel world never ending heart ache. Despite doing everything and more then most people would. I’m sick of hearing have patience’s, hope, faith. What the fucka the point

2017 Day 5

I wrote a detailed letter to my Hubby’s doctor and team today. I felt like a nark but choose to take it anyway. I needed the doctors to hear a different side in the hopes it help my sailor. I was given a copy, one faxed straight to the hospital and the orignal sent via internal hospital mail. To cover all bases. Here’s hoping its taken with the intent I meant it and my husband doesn’t hate me for sharing details. But I realised I’d rather him be alive and angry with me then me shutting my mouth and he’s died. I just want him well and safe. 

Bit of an update

Nothing changed in the fact I’ve still not had contact from my husband. But over the past few days I started dropping. I was hitting one obstacle after an other. So yesterday I when to the community mental health team. I had support from 3 different workers. The main one asked me what I wanted to achieve by speaking to his doctor. And I explained I wanted them to hear from my point of view my husbands symptoms and patterns and to know he’s safe. She explained why they can’t give me information but advised me to write a letter with everything I wanted to say to his doctor and bring it back in. That the doctor was obliged to read it and put it on Hubby’s file. Weather they listened or not was not something I couldnt control. She said she believed I’d done everything in my power to reach out and support my hubby. So today that’s my focus to write this letter its harder then I thought it would be. She also remind me of my dbt skills and controlling what I can control. And agreed starting meds may be having a negative effect on me as they had in the past and agreed for me to go natural with folic acid (I’m low in it) and magnesium which helps with sleep (in the past its been helpful). I also download a mindfulness meditation app so I could go back to basics. I also realised one of my old triggers had once again become a trigger. Facebook. I’ve be obsessively checking if he’s online and if he’d change our marriage status which he didn’t. If he was online I was angry n if he wasn’t I was worried. So last night I had my best friend change my Facebook passwords and not give them to me for a week. Already I feel a little calmer. I didn’t want to delete it, or block my hubby so this was my step. Something I can control. I’m also going to try and express myself here. If anything to get what I’m feeling out. Having anger towards the system isn’t helping me. At the moment I am in limbo. But I still have choices and things I can control and I have to get back to realising nothings black n white but grey. That I can’t fix or force my husband to do anything. That I can only be there to support him even if that’s from a distance. I haven’t gone into depression or bpd. So now is my time to take care of me to so I don’t sink into old patterns. As the lady said yesterday this isnt rejection this is a hard situation with my husband mentally unwell. And not to resort to sending messages that with trigger response and that I’d regret like yesterday. So here’s to pulling all the stops to keep well for me my kids and my darling husband. Because I love him so much that I’m going to keep fighting for us and supporting him

My husband just gave me and my son

A gift that he doesn’t know about and I wish I could tell him. With my husband in the hospital my son (14) asked why I was sticking by hubby when he’s not contact me for 2 n a half weeks. And I said to my boy because I’ve been there right where he is and I know what it takes to seek help and accept help. My son was never told I was a patient at an mental health unit. He asked me why I was there (check out my first posts for full details) I told him he didn’t need to know and that it would be hard to hear. He still wanted to know so with a heavy heart and scared of his reaction I told him I’d attempted suicide twice and self harmed. And that’s why I’m sticking by my husband. Because I fully understand where he’s at. I’m shocked because my boy took it so well asked questions. No judgements. He wasn’t surprised he just went with it. I didn’t go into all details because of his age but we talked. Its pulled us closer because he suddenly realised how far I’d come and that I’m human. So despite all the pain I’m in with my hubby I’m grateful its allowed me the oppunity to talk to my boy. So he knows if he’s struggling I’m here I’ll always be here to listen and talk. that nothings off limits. I’ve never felt this close to my son and I have my husband to thank for that. Silver lining in a horrible situation. I’ll watch my son closely in case it hits him but he’s asked to talk to gandma tomorrow once he’s had a chance to think. I so proud of him and I feel lime a weights been lifted as I’ve been scared for 4 years that someone else would tell him yet it was never the right time