When you don’t click

With your new therapist :/ I’ve been twice. I’ll go next week, but unless there’s a vast difference I’ll have to change people. Story of my life. Try to keep well and it doesn’t work. My family therapist and I discussed given it a real go, open, honest, real. To not judge, be open to a new way of a new person. I went in positive but left dispointed. 

Maybe I’m in the wrong, I knew I don’t trust, especially with the past six months of being let down from mental health n doctors. 

Talking to Nicki (the family therapist) I spoke to her about a few concerns from last week and I’ll debrief again tomorrow. But last week I struggled with the lack of Josie’s (new therapists) lack of eye contact. She constantly looked away when she spoke or I was talking. I also left there feeling detached. She like my hubby said that can be normal to be matter of fact with first sessions. Nicki asked me to be a little more open with my struggles to give her the chance to help. Because I have a way of appearing in control and well that I may need to let my walls down. Also talk to her about the eye contact.

So I get there. Head in. She asked about my week. Told her the good ie my mums cancer free. Also the struggles I feel while my Hubby’s at work, my boys eye sight, my girls broken arm, not being able to relax or unwind. She’s replied sounds like a good positive week then. I got my back up, please tell me how my son may have major issues with his eye sight is positive, my baby could fucken go blind. And while trying to express how I feel about mums health, she kept bringing it back to her friend who had cancer????

Anyways I pushed forward keeping calm. And thought right I’m gonna push this women she what she’s made off. So I starting talking about my experiences when I was in contact with my hubby. And she started talking again about her sons struggles with mental health. I observe people a lot so I was watching her closely. She won’t give me eye contact, she looked every where but no eye contact. I found her checking her watch and the clock on the wall to the point I felt uncomfortable. And constant fidgeting with her hands. 

One thing that really got to me was her wording with a few things. I was taking about my experiences having attempted suicide and the past few months with hubby. And her words shocked me. She said it was “hard case”. As in funny haha hard case. 

I stayed for the session but left feeling confused. Especially since she ended the session with just stay positive. No actual advice or guidance to anything I’m going through. And how is any thing I’m going through ” hard fucken case”

Hell am I just being difficult. Or have I been lumped with another idiot? Am I wrong not to give a flying fuck about her son or friends. I don’t need nor want to spend more time talking about them then the reason I’m there. Am I wrong to believe a therapist should be encouraging me to work through my issues. To face things. To offer advice to ideas I can put in place to work through it all. This is why I wanted a phycologist or however you spell it. Not some councilor who doesn’t know there arse from there elbow. I wanted and need someone who’s trained in mental health, who have an understanding of bpd, breakdowns, being hospitalised, suicide, self harm. Maybe someone who may know a little about dbt. 

I just feel I’ve opened up to yet another person who’s clueless yet isn’t professional even to admit if a case is to difficult. Or they don’t have the training require to treat someone with my experiences. 

I feel let down by the system yet again. I just want to be able to truly open up and get some guidance. After all I’m only trying to work on me, my future, and be the best mum and wife I can be, to support my hubby in the right ways to be by his side as he finds his way through this maze. To be strong for my kids. To vent so I can let my fears for my son out safely not scare him. 

And what cracks me up its my first night off by myself. and I feel so lost with out my kids and sailor here. 

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Second night 

Of not being able to sleep. And I’m super frustrated. Days I’m doing ok, good even. I’m getting ahead with the house and studies. I’ve spent time with my kids. I have my younger cousin staying so cooked a yummy dinner, first time making chicken diane. Was delicious. Talked to hubby earlier. He sounds like he’s having a good time away at work. I’m missing him like crazy but happy he’s happy. 

My mum got her final clearance from the cancer specialist today. She doesn’t have to go back for a year. Crazy to think 2 and a half months ago she was told she had breast cancer and now thabks to her radical treatment with surgery she’s free of cancer. I’m stoked.

My girl goes to the hospital tomorrow to get a new full cast on. She’s doing well but frustrated she can’t do what she normally does. Looking forward to hearing exactly where the break is and how long she’s going to have the cast for.

Last month I finally got glasses. Needed them from about 16. I decided together my kids eyes tested. My girls are fine and she doesn’t need glasses. However toke my son today. And I was shocked to say the least. He needs glasses which he’s ok about. As part of a government scheme for under 16 year olds we are lucky he gets two pairs neqrlly $700 worth for free. What’s got me worried is as a child he had a slight lazy eye. It seems to have corrected itself. But today we discovered he still has issues with that eye. When he focuses instead of both eyes looking in, his left flicks out. That parts fixable. He has daily exercises to correct it which I’m grateful. One of the main reasons I wanted them check was because he’s regularly getting headaches. The optometrist was really concerned because they’re only at the front left behind his eye. She is worried about (excuse my spelling) him have glaucoma. Essentially a condition that can cause him to go blind in that eye. She did further tests which were ok. But she’s strongly advised that I get him check again in 3 months. Because she can’t explain the headaches. And she said while he’s not common this young its def not unheard of. Just worries me. I’m feeling guilt that it’s taken so lo g to take him in. I should’ve years ago, but didnt realise. I don’t want my son to go blind in that eye full stop. But if he does cause of my inactions just is eating me up. 

I’ve got a night of from my kids tomorrow. But like the past 6 months I don’t get a break. I have therapy then hospital for my girl. The next morning therapy again then work. And Hubby’s away and not back till friday. I’m desperate for a real break. I haven’t had one in the time without having school, therapy, work, and everything else. I’m trying to be strong for everyone. But I miss taking care of myself and for a night not having to worry about anything.

One day…..

Once again

Its nearly midnight and I’m wide awake. I’ve had a great day, hanging out with my kids. I took my son to fast and the furious 8 at the movies earlier. I promised him at Christmas that he’d get to go when it was at the theatre. And by a stroke of luck my pay went in early due to public holidays on Tuesday. So I could take him finally. Felt like much needed mum n son relaxing bonding time and we had a blast. Having spent lots of time with my girl lately, he’d done really well making that happen felt great to have one on one time. I was missing hubby heaps tonight so got the house cleaned up, homemade pumpkin soup for dinner. Then finally got a few hours study done. Finally feel like I’m getting on top of practical things.

I am struggling with a few things. Over thinking. But hey what’s new that’s me right lol. I started with a new councilor last week. And two things struck me since. 

One. I realised that I’m really detached from a few things at the moment. Really matter of fact. Able to talk about some things regarding my hubby without emotion, also mums cancer. I know it can be “normal”. Dealing with some major emotions can just be to hard. I know to heal and move past them I need to process everything. But in same ways my minds protecting me from the fact I very nearly lost my two best friends in such a short space of time. I thought I was dealing with them. But I’m shutting them out. Trying to block and avoid the things I need to deal with the most and it scares me. If I deal with them I have to face it head on and the thought breaks me. If I don’t deal with it all its going to cone back and hurt me later. I can’t even figure out where to begin. I wish I didn’t have to.

Two. The councilor brought up PTSD. Or post traumatic stress disorder. She didn’t diagnose me but strong implied she believes I have it. First reaction was, whatever dumb bitch doesn’t know me and I brushed it off. Second was, have I not got enough labels. Have i not had enough of them to last a life time. Over the years ive had or do have Bpd, depression, reactional depression, anxiety, insomnia, self harm, 2 suicide attempts, ocd, nightmares and night terrors, sleep eating. Some say while not an eating disorder, eating issues. and now PTSD. Third reaction. How can I have that when it didn’t actually happen to me. I didn’t see the event? I’m not getting into details, but I am having struggles with intense fear, I’m super jumpy all the time, anxious with situations I never use to be, and my nightmares are worse, they’re horrific and so vivid. But still didn’t witness it and as I said it didn’t happen to me. So I can’t understand how I could have PTSD because of it and a few other things. I’m not going to blame the situation for the way I’m feeling. I just don’t know again how to process it. Especially when I’m so grateful that even though it happened, it didn’t turn into my worst nightmare, its a work in progress yet still so many positive steps are happening. 

Anyways I’m rambling again. So I’m going to head offline. And do some mindfulness. Unwind and get some sleep. Tomorrows a new day

I feel silly

But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man

Whrn you feel like its your fault

But logically know its not. I know that if someone’s intent on attempting suicide that there’s nothing another person can do to stop them. Maybe you can for a day, a week, a month but if that’s what they want they’ll do it. I know I couldn’t have stopped him my god I tried. I’m grateful he was found and cut down and lived. I’m grateful I didn’t lose my best friend my world. Is it not hard enough, the guilt for not stopping him, self blame for not pushing to get him more help, fear it’ll happen again. Is it not enough that I’ve only recently learned of this horrific experience he had. But to learn in the police report that they believed it was because of our marriage even tho he refused to talk about why. And he has told me it was no way my fault. Is it not enough they never told me. Is it not enough that I begged for him to get help. To feel attacked and blamed just fuels the pain and guilt. My heart feels broken tonight as I try and busy myself from the thought of what if, if only. From the thoughts that I nearly lost my precious sailor, I nearly had to bury a man who is so amazing and loved, cherished and needed. This is something I don’t even know how tobegin to process. Thank god he is seeking help and allowing me to support him. I just don’t know how to stop thinking, thoughts swirling, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears threatening to overflow. Thank god my darling is alive

1:27am and my heads spinnig

Everything from my husbands mental health and being away from our home, to finding him being in contact. To mums breast cancer and her upcoming surgery to have both breasts removed and likely cemo. To my school loving it but its super intense. To trying to be a good mum to my kids. To the lump mY doc found in my breast and waiting on tests. To trying to juggle everything from the house to finding some time so me n hubby can get together and go on a date to trying to figure out how to tell him about my lump without scarying him and having him either go steps backwards mentally or coming home and wrapping me in cotton wool. Yes there’s positives but there’s so many scary unknowns and waiting for so many answers. 

Please don’t say be patient and have hope that it’ll work out how its meant to. That what dsnt kill ya makes ya stronger. Someone else has it worse or that my struggles don’t mean anything

They’re real they’re big they are my life. I’ve been thrown so many things that I can’t begin to wrap my head around. Having two people I love literary fighting for their lives, my health unknown all the while raising and trying to emotionally support two kids who are struggling. All the while being married but a single mum again struggling to be in fulltime study, work parttime, taking care of all the financial, and all the cooking and cleaning, whilst trying to find time to do therapy, get my marriage on track, taking care n supporting my mama. I’m sleeping but a few hours a night, I have no appetite at all, lost weight, an doctors aren’t supporting my goal to keep mentally week. 

I’m treading water 24/7 trying to keep upbove water. All with responsibilities I can not drop.

I need a break so badly from my mind, to just get a good sleep recharge to be the mum, wife, daughter and student I want to be

1:42am 12/02/2017

Two years since my sailor asked me if it was appropriate if he hit on me. I giggled and said yes. We joked about it often. Early hours of the morning and I want to sleep. But instead my mind is playing our relationship over and over like an old record that won’t stop. Last night prepared I spend hours cleaning to tire myself old, wrote cards to hubby, I had a long hot shower, I listened to my sleep meditation 3 times and fell asleep for half an hour and I’ve been wide awake since.

4 different dbt therapy techniques. Avoid avoiding. Self soothing, distraction and mindfulness meditation. Fat lot of good that did. I’m wanting and needed the impossible. I shouldn’t be alone I should have my husband here with me. Instead he’s god knows where mentally unwell with no one. I need answers. I’m at a stop light that won’t change. I’m trying everything to move forward and I’m getting road blocks every step of the way. I’m lost, I’m broken, I don’t know what to do. Time is not going to help at this point. Until his belongings are gone I have a constant in my face reminder that triggers me. A lawyer told me I can’t get rid of any off hmit without his permission. I’m trying to convince myself he’s gone forever, then I’m reminded that not matter what I do I’m screwed, I’m still considered married, the day he left because he was having a breakdown they’ve said he legal wasn’t of sane mind to make such a decision. But the let him say no contact. The laws on his side, mental health and the hospital is on his side. The support people I have agree that without even a simple answer they cant see a way for me to move forward. I feel trapped by a system that have be negligent to both my husband and I. There’s no way out there’s no way forward. I’m stuck in A hold and all I want is for him safe and home where he belongs. What the hell have I don’t so bad to suffer such a living hell

2017 Day 13

Yesterday I was in a really bad way emotionally so I did the right thing and rung the mental health team. I got stuck with an arsehole who said I should be going to family n gp. I hung up. Ended up calling back and spoke to a guy who actually read my file. He told me he’d have a person from the team ring me each day to check in make sure I’m doing ok until a key worker was assigned to me. 

Well this morning I was shocked when I got the call. The lady was brilliant. Asking how I was coping, we talked about what skills I could use from therapy. She’s suggested at my ok to put me back on a dbt therapy refresher just to go through the skills again to see if there’s something else I can use. I said to her I kbow you can’t give proper details that I want. But can you please just let me know how my hubby is. Its finally dawned on them that a little reassurance is actually beneficial to me n my kids without breaching his privacy. She said she isn’t part of his team but has checked. And the he’s doing ok. I asked if he’s still in treatment. She told me he def is, his team is keeping a close eye on him. I had instant relief. I told her to. She said that they do want to discuss it with me but still aren’t able to. When I responded its ok, I feel abit better just knowing that small snippet of information. 

So I hope they get it know that something so small makes such a huge difference. When my girl asked about her sailor I could tell her they’re taking great care of him. I also followed through with texting him, this time ok knowing I’d not get a response. Just a simple I love you have a great day. So now I need to continue working on trusting that they are looking after my husband. I have to believe and try and step back just a little. Simply because I need to keep well. I alsoreached the decision that its ok to want it to cone home. Its ok to have hope. Its ok to text him. That its ok that even tho I don’t know the outcome will be I can still love and support my husband 

2017 Day 11

What positives. Today my son has been with drawn, my daughter finally lost it begging me to bring her sailor home. I got to my mums she’s upset cause her friend died. Then she let me know tonight a family friend died, just  months after her husband. They’d both been in my life from when I was a baby.

I had my first appointment with a physiotherapist. She was good but could only recommend I keep up with my dbt skills. She had no idea how to help me.

I also had my first appointment with a organisation which helps support people of those who have a loved one with mental health issues. They were great they heard me but that’s where it stopped. They have said I have done everything in my power to help my husband. I’d visited or called every possible person and organisation there is to call. They agree I’ve been treated badly, that the system is flawed. They are going to try to speak to his key worker but are not expecting a positive outcome. Even though they agree after 3 and a half weeks I need to be told more details. To what Hubby’s plans are so I can either keep holding on or let my husband go. I should’ve been aloud to speak with his doctors, been at his discharge meeting at least to show support. That the support worker shouldn’t have had my husband so close that I saw him on Friday. They said it was cruel. They also said that I should be given warning should my husband cone to get his truck so they I have they option weather the kids and I are home. And so I’m not put through anymore anxiety should he just turn up.

So all in all I feel like I’m a complete failed my husband. That I should’ve pushed harder in the months leading to his breakdown. That I should’ve put things in place. That I should’ve heard him when he desperately need me to. What a fucken fuck up of a wife. I hate the mental health system who should’ve listened months ago and helped him before our marriage feel apart. What a cruel world never ending heart ache. Despite doing everything and more then most people would. I’m sick of hearing have patience’s, hope, faith. What the fucka the point

2017 Day 5

I wrote a detailed letter to my Hubby’s doctor and team today. I felt like a nark but choose to take it anyway. I needed the doctors to hear a different side in the hopes it help my sailor. I was given a copy, one faxed straight to the hospital and the orignal sent via internal hospital mail. To cover all bases. Here’s hoping its taken with the intent I meant it and my husband doesn’t hate me for sharing details. But I realised I’d rather him be alive and angry with me then me shutting my mouth and he’s died. I just want him well and safe.