I had a dream about six months ago. It’s like it’s on repeat. I’ve had the same about half a dozen times. Each the same. Doesn’t differ. I dream every night I just thought this was another one. It had him in it (the ex, I’m going to start calling him Mark on here). And my friend sailor. Ok bit of a back ground. Me and sailor crushed on each other (don’t know how to explain it). But he lives out of town and hey it didn’t happen. But still close. Right to back to the dream.
Starts with me standing on a local street, sailors sister was there (only seen her in a photo). Next thing sailor comes up behind me and says I don’t know if this is what you want but I’ve wanted it for a long time. Then he turns me around and kisses me. Next thing I know we are running down another local street, we ran past a house. Heard my name being called, it was my step sons playing with other children. They were so happy to see me. I looked at the white house and could see his stuff and someone elses. The ex living with someone knew.
Next thing sailor and I are having a picnic. Cuddled up me leaning against him. Then mark comes run to me looking really upset. He says hi, staring at sailor. I say hi. The women introduces herself as robyn. She smiles saying I’ve heard so much about you. I laugh and say I’ve heard nothing about you. All the time mark is trying to get my attention, looking sad and upset.trying to ask me how I am etc. While I’m stuggled up to sailor.
Then it’s over. I know a lot of my dreams are things I’ve pushed aside from the day but I can’t work out why I’m having this so much.
As many of you are aware things have been going down hill for me lately. Unable to pull myself up to what I need to be. So skilfully I contacted my old mental health therapist it was first thing Wednesday morning. What had set me off was I couldn’t leave me house to attend a doctors appointment and an appointment for my benefit. I’ve struggled before but never like this. She advised me to do a self referral to get back into the system. And query meds I need for the next day.
So ringing the on duty person. Explained the situation, my history, my concerns. And that My therapist asked me to ring. The women on the phone was understanding. Explained that she’d ring the therapist to see what she suggest. That I’d hear back from them by the end of the day to what help they could give. Also I had to see my gp for meds.
So after managing to get to the doctors. (not my old one), I meet with the quack. I asked for my meds, explained self referral. Then it started, why am I not on anti depressants (coz they don’t do anything for me and had been taken off them in the physic unit), you need to wean of the night meds only 25mg, why do you even need them (at this point I was pissed. MMM I’m on them quack because if I don’t sleep I get beyond depressed and last two times that happened I tried to kill myself, that’s bloody why.. oh and cause it helps anxiety, aww can’t you see I’m shaking like a leaf). Then go weight yourself (how bout please). I do I weight 62kgs (for my height great not to fat not to skinny) she goes that’s not good you’ve lost 10kg since you were last seen here (are you kidding last doctor said you need to lose weight I do so) oh wait you were obese before (dick I’d lost 5kgs in a week and couldn’t eat no one toke notice when I asked for help). Then you need a smear (argh fuck off I’m here for my mental health not my physical today) when on and on.
Get home and realise being the next day I’d not heard from the mental heatlh team. So being proactive I ring. Got you need patiences our meeting isn’t to Tuesday ring back that afternoon. I asked why I couldn’t have been told that, got meet with a have a nice weekend.
So again I learnt if you need mental health support. Make sure you can wait a full week with not knowing if you’ll even get seen. Don’t go to the gp they are arses that just judge and push you in the worst direction. I get there are budget cuts, over worked staff etc but we have the highest suciede rate in the country and I so know why. I guess at least I trying
After the post about my ex little while ago. My young daughter came up to me, mummy I hope the boys and “the ex” are ok. (I’ll call him “the ex” easier that way). I miss them. They are my family. I want to make sure they are ok mummy. please. she was crying.
I told her they would be fine and happy. That it is ok to miss people. But we won’t be seeing them again. What struck me is she hasn’t mentioned him in ages. Then out of the blue, he contacts me, then she starts asking about him again. I haven’t told anyone so she couldn’t have over heard. And I’m really mindful to not bring his or the boys names up.
They hard part is he wanted to adopt my children. We had it all planned it, seen a lawyer, got permission from the biological fathers. They called him dad, and his kids brothers. His mum was grandma. His family was our family. My children toke his last name. Then we were over.
It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. Think how it’s all affected the children. How they still miss him. Still want him in their lives. And I just can’t do anything to fix it, or take their pain away.
I often wonder if he misses them, cuddles and I love you’s. Talking about their day, fixing things when they were hurt or sad. Tucking them in goodnight every single day. Goodmornings. Does he miss them calling him daddy.
I’m feeling a bit mixed up right now. Last week I was upstairs getting ready for my final catch up for end of therapy. I was already feeling emotionally pulled. Then I come down stairs to settle for a coffee and ciggy. I picked up my phone seeing I had missed a text. I picked it up and read the number and message. Shaking my head I put it down. Taking a few drags on my ciggy, I thought surely not. Picking it up again I re-read the message. It was “the ex”. The ex I’ve been working hard to forget.
He said he was giving me a heads up about a bill he just recieved while we were together, and didn’t want me stung with the same thing. I messaged him back (I should’nt have after all I deleted his number for a reason). Thanking him and have a good day. He tried to keep the converstation going. I nearlly let him, but i kept my replies very short and to the point. He told me he had taken the day off work to do a few things in town, asking about me and my kids. Saying he’d seen my mother a few times.
With most people this converstation would be fine. But with him, it was the same as it use to be. We always caught up on his days off. and it’s one of his patterns. Wait months then contact me, over something that’s not really needed. Also shocked me he had kept my phone number. I’d deleted his so I wouldn’t be tempted to contact him. Knowing I had to be in town that day with no choice, put me on edge that I would run into him. Luckily I didn’t.
But now I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m a little on edge to weather he’ll contact me again. Or just show up which he’s been known to do as well. I thought I was forgotten. Then he contacts me. Part of me hopes he comes over or calls. But the other side, doesn’t. I made the decision to walk away. I’ve been so strong. I don’t want to be caught off guard. Make any rash decisions.
I know I’m rambling, I just needed to say it. Having it in my mind and heart is waying heavy on me. Its at times like this I wish I still had friends near me. So I can chat, let it off my chest. It’s the first time in six months that I’ve felt this confused over him. Why did he have to make contact again.
For the first time since I started photography, I finally went and got some off them printed. So exciting to see them in print. Some were cropped which I was not impressed by, however was a great learning curve, as the guy at the store explaining why they cropped and what I could do to change it. While I was looking through the photos, one of the other guys in the department came over. Asking if he could take a look as the colours caught his eye from across the room!!!! Quite the chatty store assistant was incredible to talk to. He asked how long I’d been taking photos for, what camera I use etc. He was shocked when I told him just over a year and my trusty $80 Samsung. He goes “well I’ve been a photographer for 45 plus years, please keep taking photos. He sang my praises, I was pretty speechless (like I am on here when my wonderful followers give me such compliments). He said “you’ve got the eye for this, contrast, colours, close-ups”. And how much my passion shows in my prints and my eyes when I was looking over them. I’m blown away just blown away. Argh maybe I can make this dream come true after all 🙂
I’m sitting here on a Saturday evening, watching tv, replying to comments on here. I was feeling a little flat. A little lonely. Then out of the blue, my phone dings. It was a facebook message. A blast from the past. My best friend from high school. My travelling talented beautiful friend. She goes “How is you? I’m in your home town for a few days would you want to catch up?. In shock and disbelief I replied, how much i’d love to. Shaking messaging back and forth, we have sorted a catch up in a few days.
It’s so huge and amazing, because I’ve not seen her in 11 years. She’s been living and traveling for many years. We missed each other a few years ago. And to be honest I never thought I’d ever see her again. Wow I’m nearly speak less. I rung my mummy straight away, nearly in tears. I’m so excited, nervous, happy, ecstatic. It’s going to be amazing to see her.