Feeling really sad tonight

Everything is a work in progress which I understand and respect. I just can’t help but want to speed up the process. I want to continue to build the foundation to a great life. Open discussion and honestly is a must. Its so important. Hearing others truly hearing them. Being mindful with my responses. Allowing others to feel heard and accepted. Trying to keep a level head when I hear things I’d rather not. Things that hurt me even though I’m grateful for the truth. I’m feeling pulled between wanting to acknowledge events that have happened, yet knowing I’ll never truly have the answers I feel I need for closure. Im not ready to ask those questions that can not undo the hurt. Yet left unsaid is keep the wound gaping and raw. My need to protect myself and others is putting strain on life. Yet I can’t face that I can’t protect those I love from the experiences they have and will face. 

2017 Day 12

6 weeks ago my 7 year old got pissed of with her brother and kicked him in the shin. We punished her and for about 5 days watched it closely. On the Sunday she had extremely high temps so took her to the doctors, I asked him to check her foot to cause she had a slight limp. Turns out she’d broken it (worst mother of the year goe to me for not getting it checked earlier). Doc told me not to stress cause there wasbo swelling or bruising. Anyways positive of the day was taking her to hospital and its all healed. She may have some pain and her limp for a few months but finally some positive news

2017 Day 7

Well I think this whole finding positives each day thing is a fail this time around. We’re away at my Hubby’s best mates farm for the weekend. It was meant to give us a change of scene, well while our hosts have been awesome, I feel out of place. I’m trying to keep the mask on but its a struggle. My sons while at some points enjoyed it I think has felt out of place to. They got visitors, which its fine got breify introduced n thought I’d make myself scarce. Just being respectful made sure kids were out of the way to. Just felt like we were intruding. Being here is bitter sweet reminding all of us about sailor. My girl has cried countless times wanting to see him, my boy reminded of so many things, me just wishing he was here. Laying in the bed we shared together last time feels wrong. I watched masterchef online before and had a deja moment (however you spell it the thing where you know you’ve seen this exact moment before) I froze steering at my phone scared it would go off. Shit I’m sure my heart skipped a beat. My hayfever is still there, along with a horrible painful loud cough, and to make matters worse my skin as flared up so bad from the stress, red Botchy, lumping itchy painful rash over my legs and arms. Its 11 pm and despite trying to relax, taking my magnesium and folic tabs I’m still wide a fucken wake. Angry I read a book about bpd and how to deal with it and its shit its a bullshit book with no hope for anyone with bpd so fuck the doctors who wrote a book of crap under the illusion it would help people and there families. I need sleep I need to rest I need to not think I need my kids happy I need my husband I need a fucken haircut and I need to use full fucken stops and comma’s. I need to find some positives in a week I’m losing hope with even the weathers a bitch and cold and windy. Like come on universe quit continuously throwing shit at us. Seriously I’m on the edge of coping and depression as it is. Is it not cruel enough having to deal with this situation with every other fucken thing throw the next shit at someone else

I’ve graduated!!!!

Realised I’ve not posted in nearly a month. Life’s been crazy I’ve graduated my course n I’m start my first year of chefs training in February. Can’t wait to share what I’ve been doing. But for now I’m focusing on my babies n hubby n getting my house back in order lol

Ups and downs

What a rollercoaster from such lows a few weeks ago to such highs

What an amazing week my family had, all back to school, we had production for my course where I did the last of my barista training, dinner date at pacifica restaurant was amazing. Recommend you go. Still trying to remember everything we ate lol Jeremy had us at the chefs table full view of the kitchen. N he decided what we ate instead of letting us choose what menu to go with n he gave us different plates so we could try more of his food. Was the most inspirational meal I’ve eaten n the atmosphere was relaxed but beautiful. Magic seeing my Hubby’s produce on a few of the dishes followed up by my sons 14th birthday. And I’ve just filled out my enrolment forms to start my chef training next year.and my Hubby’s garden business is taking off at great speeds

Exactly six months

Ago I married my best friend. I can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives bring. I love him so much, the ups and downs. The happiness the sadness, I love how we can be our weird and silly self’s together. How he drives me incredibly insane but so happy at the same time. Most of all he can make me laugh so hard every thing aches. Made the best decision to marry my sailor

Goodbye my superman

​so I found out today my poppa (on fathers) died a week ago and his funeral last Friday (only found out because an aunty on my mums side saw it in the paper). No one told me. It went as far as being hidden from my fathers best friend of 30+ years so I wouldn’t be told. Finally discovered the reason was because I didn’t tell them the date I was getting married only after (none else know because we decided to pull it forward n got married in the courthouse two days later, as we saving for a home n didn’t want the huge cost no one included and no one excluded) so gutted i can’t say goodbye. And nor can my two children. I’m shocked they’re so angry all coz I’m happy. Rung the funeral home he wasn’t buried but was cremated. No where for me to go and say goodbye to our superman

Follow on from my last post

We had our winz appointment and managed to get our benefit back on and paid. We got a new person while it was a super long appointment he was good. Made sure to get absolutely everything sorted. Getting paid was such a relief. And even better hubby and I supported each other through it. 

As a few know I’m studying atm. I start the next course in less then 2 weeks. Part of getting it paid on student loan you get $1000 course related costs. So now bills are paid etc. I went and purchased a new laptop. Yay for me lol I had a 10″ inch slow netbook for 4 years. Now I have a brand spanking new 15.6inch screen. Upgraded to 4gb ram n 500gb storage. Perfect for study. And to watch movies with my hubby. Only $549 saving a few hundred.

I’m not a material person I don’t spend on myself so I’m feeling like a kid on christmas. 

Looking at the positives

I know I was negative for awhile there. Times are still hard. But my sailor and I are both making effort to better well save our marriage. So far so good. I think we’ve both looked at what each others needs are and working towards them as well as our own. For him my smoking or the amount of money I spend on smoking is a huge deal. So I’ve compromised and working my way to not giving up but cutting g down. I’m trying to listen without inruption so he feels heard and supported. In turn he’s actively supporting my work study and cutting down smoking. Making changes helping more with the house and cooking like he did in the past and setting his alarm to remember important things like picking my girl up, appointments etc.

For me words are only worth something if they match the actions and I believe we are both putting the hard yards.