2017 Day 12

6 weeks ago my 7 year old got pissed of with her brother and kicked him in the shin. We punished her and for about 5 days watched it closely. On the Sunday she had extremely high temps so took her to the doctors, I asked him to check her foot to cause she had a slight limp. Turns out she’d broken it (worst mother of the year goe to me for not getting it checked earlier). Doc told me not to stress cause there wasbo swelling or bruising. Anyways positive of the day was taking her to hospital and its all healed. She may have some pain and her limp for a few months but finally some positive news

2017 Day 7

Well I think this whole finding positives each day thing is a fail this time around. We’re away at my Hubby’s best mates farm for the weekend. It was meant to give us a change of scene, well while our hosts have been awesome, I feel out of place. I’m trying to keep the mask on but its a struggle. My sons while at some points enjoyed it I think has felt out of place to. They got visitors, which its fine got breify introduced n thought I’d make myself scarce. Just being respectful made sure kids were out of the way to. Just felt like we were intruding. Being here is bitter sweet reminding all of us about sailor. My girl has cried countless times wanting to see him, my boy reminded of so many things, me just wishing he was here. Laying in the bed we shared together last time feels wrong. I watched masterchef online before and had a deja moment (however you spell it the thing where you know you’ve seen this exact moment before) I froze steering at my phone scared it would go off. Shit I’m sure my heart skipped a beat. My hayfever is still there, along with a horrible painful loud cough, and to make matters worse my skin as flared up so bad from the stress, red Botchy, lumping itchy painful rash over my legs and arms. Its 11 pm and despite trying to relax, taking my magnesium and folic tabs I’m still wide a fucken wake. Angry I read a book about bpd and how to deal with it and its shit its a bullshit book with no hope for anyone with bpd so fuck the doctors who wrote a book of crap under the illusion it would help people and there families. I need sleep I need to rest I need to not think I need my kids happy I need my husband I need a fucken haircut and I need to use full fucken stops and comma’s. I need to find some positives in a week I’m losing hope with even the weathers a bitch and cold and windy. Like come on universe quit continuously throwing shit at us. Seriously I’m on the edge of coping and depression as it is. Is it not cruel enough having to deal with this situation with every other fucken thing throw the next shit at someone else

I’ve graduated!!!!

Realised I’ve not posted in nearly a month. Life’s been crazy I’ve graduated my course n I’m start my first year of chefs training in February. Can’t wait to share what I’ve been doing. But for now I’m focusing on my babies n hubby n getting my house back in order lol

Ups and downs

What a rollercoaster from such lows a few weeks ago to such highs

What an amazing week my family had, all back to school, we had production for my course where I did the last of my barista training, dinner date at pacifica restaurant was amazing. Recommend you go. Still trying to remember everything we ate lol Jeremy had us at the chefs table full view of the kitchen. N he decided what we ate instead of letting us choose what menu to go with n he gave us different plates so we could try more of his food. Was the most inspirational meal I’ve eaten n the atmosphere was relaxed but beautiful. Magic seeing my Hubby’s produce on a few of the dishes followed up by my sons 14th birthday. And I’ve just filled out my enrolment forms to start my chef training next year.and my Hubby’s garden business is taking off at great speeds

Exactly six months

Ago I married my best friend. I can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives bring. I love him so much, the ups and downs. The happiness the sadness, I love how we can be our weird and silly self’s together. How he drives me incredibly insane but so happy at the same time. Most of all he can make me laugh so hard every thing aches. Made the best decision to marry my sailor

Big day head

Housing inspection today, where my landlord will find see the 13 chickens and how we’ve transformed the yard to garden. I’m guessing we’ll be told to get rid of the chickens but I’m not sure. The rest I’m not worried about beauty of ocd my home always looks nice n is cleans n no damage. Then I have another driving lesson first in the rain a little nervous but excited. Then the big job interview. I’m feeling pretty confident, even tho nervous, my goal to keep my anxiety down. Ive got this. Had the last of my dental work done yesterday so very tender but its just a few more days of healing and I’ll be right. Small things for a lot but life feels hectic at the moment. Looking forward to today being over to just relax for a bit

In all my searching I can’t find

Support or experiences of two people both having bpd and being in a relationship. Like hubby and I. I’m trying to reach out to males with bpd or couples etc. So I can understand more of my Hubby’s experiences etc. I can’t find it anywhere. I’ve recently join a support group online. I’m watching YouTube vids but they seem to all be from the female bpd point of view. I’m about to watch two movies again. Girl interrupted  and silver linings playbook. Both brilliant movies which explore bpd and other mental health issues. I’ve also just realised people who know me some what understand bpd. But not me and bpd. My husband and two friends from dbt have it but I’ve realise whilst I shared they understand but from their experience. Not from seeking out my own. And whilst we have the same disorder we are all very different. I’m trying to understand them especially my hubby better by research, docos  etc. But I wonder if anyone has done this to try and understand me and my ways. Maybe I’m just not good at expressing fully how it makes me feel and why. Also I’m not trying to “fix” my hubby just to try to be as supportive and understanding to if I get the chance to be a better wife