The future, focus on the present. Well by present I meant right this minute. This is something I’ve found myself repeating over and over if I can’t sleep. And last night I couldn’t. In a way I use it as mindfulness. The more I repeat the more I can have other thoughts enter my mind, I can acknowledge them and repeat.
I’ve needed openness from a person lately, and yesterday I got it. Instead of finding peace I’ve found my head swirling with emotions, fear and pain. I’ve learnt I can stand up for myself and my children like never before. This I’m proud of, not the delivery but its something I’ve been unable to achieve. Yet it’s a double edged sword, feeling like I’ve failed as a partner, as a mother, as a person is ripping me to shreds.
My walls so carefully knocked down have reached a new level. Doubting my abilities to become a good wife. I feel I’m unable to reach out, the day before Christmas I don’t want to intrude on others.
My stomach is full of twists and knots. I needed honesty, we did, we do. But know I have it I don’t know what to do with it. Feeling powerless to support when I know is needed the most.
Even the release of writing is causing me to shake. Anxiety reaching a fever pitch. Fear of a looming panic attack. Want to reach for him, but knowing I won’t.
Fearing my dreams are shattering around me. Trying to keep my happy mask on for my children. I promised my bpd, depression, choices wouldn’t ruin another Christmas like I had allowed in the past.
I’m not religious nor do I prey. But I wish for some space in my mind to remove myself from the intense pain and fear, just for a few days. To see things with a clear head. Not react like my old patterns