Comp practice one month till the big weekend

In a month I’m competing with my son in a big cooking competition. So been getting my practice on for one of my entrys. Bailey’s cheese cake, with a centre of espresso dark chocolate cremeux, a dark chocolate mirror glaze and will be decorated with chocolate cover roasted coffee beans, Bailey’s cream, a tempered chocolate curls and gold leaf. Starting to get excited. Love glazing desserts brings a sense of satisfaction

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Can’t change the past, can’t predict

The future, focus on the present. Well by present I meant right this minute. This is something I’ve found myself repeating over and over if I can’t sleep. And last night I couldn’t. In a way I use it as mindfulness. The more I repeat the more I can have other thoughts enter my mind, I can acknowledge them and repeat.

I’ve needed openness from a person lately, and yesterday I got it. Instead of finding peace I’ve found my head swirling with emotions, fear and pain. I’ve learnt I can stand up for myself and my children like never before. This I’m proud of, not the delivery but its something I’ve been unable to achieve. Yet it’s a double edged sword, feeling like I’ve failed as a partner, as a mother, as a person is ripping me to shreds.

My walls so carefully knocked down have reached a new level. Doubting my abilities to become a good wife. I feel I’m unable to reach out, the day before Christmas I don’t want to intrude on others.

My stomach is full of twists and knots. I needed honesty, we did, we do. But know I have it I don’t know what to do with it. Feeling powerless to support when I know is needed the most.

Even the release of writing is causing me to shake. Anxiety reaching a fever pitch. Fear of a looming panic attack. Want to reach for him, but knowing I won’t.

Fearing my dreams are shattering around me. Trying to keep my happy mask on for my children. I promised my bpd, depression, choices wouldn’t ruin another Christmas like I had allowed in the past.

I’m not religious nor do I prey. But I wish for some space in my mind to remove myself from the intense pain and fear, just for a few days. To see things with a clear head. Not react like my old patterns

I need to talk to someone

And there’s none I can in my real life. My posts a mixed up because I set them up to post automatically. A few days ago my bpd (border line personality disorder) start rearing its ugly head. My anxiety I through the roof. While I know I’m being unreasonable and over thinking. I can’t help but feel very rejected. I’ve deactivated my Facebook account because I was constantly check if he was online or what interaction he’s had on there. If he’s on I wonder why he’s not messaging. If he’s off I’m wondering who he’s with. He’s done nothing wrong on there at all. I’d reached out to others whom had either seen and ignored my msg or sent one back then nothing. Yesterday I text a few people to catch up. And was meet with no, or I’m busy or nothing.

I know its mostly to do with his and my situation. Please before you say just leave, I’ve spent two years trying to get over him and can’t. He’s not long moved, going back to work in a few days, has major issues he’s currently sorting out. Which I told him to take the time to settle them before we officially begin again. But now things have cut back I can’t handle it. I knew what the situation was from the start so can only blame myself.

With bpd anything little to most.feels like a major rejection to me. I’ve used my therapy skill with no ease of my disorder. I got sleep, pampered myself, mindfulness. I feel I can’t go to anyone. I just am lost at what to do now. Its so hard considering I’ve been doing overall really well with keeping my demons at bay. Demons over over thinking over reacting, jealously, fear, hopelessness, abandonment, loss. Now its all about fear I’m not good enough for him, that he’s just going to leave, that he deserves better then me. My logical mind knows this isn’t true. Heck even he’s told me it isn’t true. That he loves me. I’ve realise just this moment that when he contacts I’m pushing him away not the other way around.

Why can’t I just be normal. Accept the facts for what they are instead of fighting myself to believe the worst case. Right now even my skin feels like its on fire cause of the high anxiety. My children deserve so much better. They had been away for the night due to me having no break for 35 days. I thought I was on the up. But now even they know I’m not good. The more I try to hide it from them the more I’m feeling off. They ask me if I’m ok cause I’m not myself. I smile and try to reassure them.

I don’t know how to pull myself up right now

Update on Blind date never again

Thought Id give you all a quick update to my “blind date never again lol” post. I was chatting to my mum about it turns out she thinks knows the guy. And wow really did dodge a bullet. Turns out he’s at least 60 years old. So I know know why he refused to tell me his age. Now I personally don’t have an issue with age gaps. But 30 years way to much for me.

As for the “friend” well her and I are no longer in contact. Aside from the “blind date dramas”. She accused me off a number of things including being selfish, bragging about my life to much, that she felt used and that it was a one sided friendship etc. I reacted badly at first. But once I calmed down I tried to make contact, was ignored for a few days. When she finally replied she said I’d over reacted and accused me of much more. It was hurtful and eye opening. I tried to use dbt skills and discuss it all. But I hit a brick wall. I decided to leave it be and haven’t heard from her since.

I am partly relieved yet disappointed. It felt childish and nasty. Boredering on high school dramas. I do miss her though. We were best friends for over a year. Went through intense therapy (dbt) together. And I believed we had the makings of a life long friendship.

Bit onwards and upwards. Its a lesson learnt.

Reminds me of the old saying.

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Peace

My largest down fall in life is over thinking. I puzzled to if its just a me trait or a BPD trait ? (Borderline personality disorder). Weather I actually have ocd or if I just like order in my life. Weather my issue with lost are justified or a over reaction. If the common factor in all my friendship, family and love relationships are the problem (that factor being me). If I try to hard or completely withdraw from people. So much thought not enough peace

I should

Really sorry for my ranting crazy post yesterday. I guess I just needed to argh at the world. I’d tried to use my dbt skills and couldn’t concentrate, so in came the poor me. I’m feeling very in limbo with all aspects of my life. For a day or two ill feel on top of the world then for a week or more I sink. Not into depression yet but it’s a slippery slope. I’m feeling so many emotions. I am feeling so much shame and guilt. What would be described as perceived rejection, abandonment and loss. It’s like I’m waiting for the ball to drop. That major slap in the face. Why can’t I just be free from mental health issues. I detest poor me people yet that’s what I feel I’m becoming. I’m told I’m having “normal” reactions to major issues. But instead I feel hopeless. I “should” be able to cope better after a year of intense therapy. I “should” be a better mum, friend, partner. I feel weak as a-posed to strong. I don’t know if I’ve tried to hard and when miracles didn’t happen I lost my drive . But now I will stop rambling like a crazed women and give you lovely people a break. onwards and upwards right? New day and all that??