Happy Mama’s day

The cake I made my mama for mother’s day. A tradition of making her a cake each year 6th year. Progressed so much since the first year. Seven layers of chocolate cake with raspberry and butter cream. Handmade roses, flowers and leafs.

Two hours before ….

This is to some up what i go through before a social occasion especially one off my children’s party’s. Even I know it sounds nuts

Two hours before ….. I’m nervous. But I’m ok. Food to prep, house to clean. Kids dressed and sorted. I’m feeling ok with my choice of outfit and done my hair.

An hour before …… Everything’s done ready for when the guests arrive. I’m starting to get the shakes. My chest feels tight. My breathing is shallow and fast. Saying over and over its for my girl. Everything will be great. People will turn up and be fine with each other. Trying to steady my breathing and keeping my hands busy. I have to at least appear happy and in control. I can’t let him see how much he affects me.

5minutes before …. Anxiety us through the roof bordering on a full blown panic attack. Questioning everything from feel like I’ve not got enough food, should’ve not had the party. I can’t handle seeing him. Checking the time constantly, for messages if people decided not to come. I brush my teeth every 10minutes for an hour before stupid when he not gonna kiss me (only do this when hes coming over maybe ocd?) I also go to the loo like 4 times in the hour before (dont get this) i chain smoke n drink to much coffee.Logically I know I’m driving myself insane and don’t know how to stop it. Logically knowing my girl deserves this. All the while putting on a big smile for my children so they know everything is going well. So tired and drained. But I must must must do this for her.