My husband just gave me and my son

A gift that he doesn’t know about and I wish I could tell him. With my husband in the hospital my son (14) asked why I was sticking by hubby when he’s not contact me for 2 n a half weeks. And I said to my boy because I’ve been there right where he is and I know what it takes to seek help and accept help. My son was never told I was a patient at an mental health unit. He asked me why I was there (check out my first posts for full details) I told him he didn’t need to know and that it would be hard to hear. He still wanted to know so with a heavy heart and scared of his reaction I told him I’d attempted suicide twice and self harmed. And that’s why I’m sticking by my husband. Because I fully understand where he’s at. I’m shocked because my boy took it so well asked questions. No judgements. He wasn’t surprised he just went with it. I didn’t go into all details because of his age but we talked. Its pulled us closer because he suddenly realised how far I’d come and that I’m human. So despite all the pain I’m in with my hubby I’m grateful its allowed me the oppunity to talk to my boy. So he knows if he’s struggling I’m here I’ll always be here to listen and talk. that nothings off limits. I’ve never felt this close to my son and I have my husband to thank for that. Silver lining in a horrible situation. I’ll watch my son closely in case it hits him but he’s asked to talk to gandma tomorrow once he’s had a chance to think. I so proud of him and I feel lime a weights been lifted as I’ve been scared for 4 years that someone else would tell him yet it was never the right time

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Argh disaster baking day

When the meringue from the lemon meringue pie srinks and the elcairs aren’t right what do you do. Smother it with whipped cream and no ones any the wiser lol 

Turns out I can make things perfectly until its assessment day at school or an occasion like fathers day. 

Twice this week. But hey its made with love so on wards and upwards best get practicing with working under pressure

Happy sailor day

Well today’s fathers day in nz but we name it happy sailors day, my hubby is a daddy to 3 beautiful girls and my children wanted to celebrate the day with him so instead of fathers day and pressure we changed it. My children don’t see the bio fathers and I feel its not right for some one else to just be called dad. Yet here’s my hubby who’s despite ups n downs has being an amazing role model and step parent to my babies. He’s supporting and teaching them as a father would. So today happy sailors day my darling love you

My children and my expectations

After a post yesterday some agreed and some thought it wasn’t such a big deal. I respect others points of view. So why is it that I have high expectations of those looking after my children? Because when I was sick I let my children down. They were in my sisters care for 3 months despite me fighting everyday to get them home. While there they were witness to drugs and heavy drinking, horrible men and adults who didn’t put there needs as a top priority. I have faught for 3 years to earn my children’s trust back. Prove to them that they are important. They are my top priority. Im a parent who has with the exception of those three months have single handed raise my two children for 13+ years. I’ve often gone months without breaks. I’ve put off work and study and my hopes and dreams to be the best mum I can be. Now along side being a wife and mum. I need something for me. I was a teen mum up against it the whole way. Didn’t think I deserved taking time away from home to study. With that comes need to ask for support and help at times with my kids. The occasional school drop of or pick up. Yesterday they were ready for school, I asked nothing to be done during the day. But to pick kids up and watch them for half an hour until I got home. Then after a day of study, I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, and did all the wifey mummy things. I was assured I wasn’t asking to much. So yip I felt incredibly let down. When you’ve spend your life putting everyone first and yourself last. The first day you put yourself at the top and something like this happens. I do take it personally. It does bring to question weather I’m making the right choices. And it saddens me that I feel this way but I do.

Makes me sad when my babies are sick

My beautiful little seven year olds been sick for 3/4 days. Its a struggle as shes only been sick a few times in her life. she been to the doctors and given medication and pain relief. She has strep throat but now is her tummy. I wanted to keep her home from school but she had perked right up. Then again this evening she was off her food and I made her favourites bacon, egg and salad wraps. And for a real treat as we normally don’t have pudding I made a apple, kiwifruit and rasian crumble with a little whipped cream. She came down 3 times holding her tummy in tears just sobbing that hurt so much. As a mama you just want to take there pain away. Now my boy is showing signs as is my hubby. And me 😦

My baby has just turned 12

Oh my, my baby is 12! Happy birthday to my darling boy. I can’t believe how quickly time flies. From a new born to toddler. Now a preteen. He’s super handsome. So kind, sensitive and caring. My focused computer geek 🙂 he’s so ambitious, writing books, creating websites, straight a student. A wonderful big brother and the most precious son I could have ever hoped for. Much love my son happy birthday may your dreams come true xxx

Will she ever move on :( tears from a child

After the post about my ex little while ago. My young daughter came up to me, mummy I hope the boys and “the ex” are ok. (I’ll call him “the ex” easier that way). I miss them. They are my family. I want to make sure they are ok mummy. please. she was crying.

I told her they would be fine and happy. That it is ok to miss people. But we won’t be seeing them again. What struck me is she hasn’t mentioned him in ages. Then out of the blue, he contacts me, then she starts asking about him again. I haven’t told anyone so she couldn’t have over heard. And I’m really mindful to not bring his or the boys names up.

They hard part is he wanted to adopt my children. We had it all planned it, seen a lawyer, got permission from the biological fathers. They called him dad, and his kids brothers. His mum was grandma. His family was our family. My children toke his last name. Then we were over.

It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. Think how it’s all affected the children. How they still miss him. Still want him in their lives. And I just can’t do anything to fix it, or take their pain away.

I often wonder if he misses them, cuddles and I love you’s. Talking about their day, fixing things when they were hurt or sad. Tucking them in goodnight every single day. Goodmornings. Does he miss them calling him daddy.

Lost without my babies

It feels strange. Last night my children were with their grandmother for the night. I had three major meetings. So apart from last week when I was sick, I haven’t been apart from them in six months. Then coming up in a few days my aunty offered to have them both for the night. I’m just not use to breaks.

When I fell pregnant with my son at 17 years old, I made the decision to be a mum. Not a part time one, but a full time mum. At the time I didn’t realise quite what that meant. I was young and naive. I undereisitmated everything that would go into parent. Here I am 13 years later, two darling children. I wont lie it’s hard. At times so hard. But I made my choice and I love my children. And as much as once in a while I need the time to myself. When I do I’m lost. As most will know at the moment I don’t really have friends. Well ones I can just pop over see or to go and do something with.

It confuses me to why people wont normally have my darlings. Why I have to fight or beg to have a night off. I have to provide a cooked dinner and usually bathe them first etc. This I dont mind. But when say my sister gets a night off a week at least. I have to beg once every six months. Everybody, family and old friends have said how well behaved, great manners, well presented, fun, kind. But they always miss out.

I’ve just realised i’m droning on and on. Ranting and raving. I need to be positive, enjoy my time off, let myself miss my children. Then look forward to them coming home tomorrow.

Night all x