Four years ago just after my second attempt and stay at the mental health unit I sat in a meeting of 10+ people mostly strangers. I wanted to go home it was part of the process. As the meeting ended my doctor turned around and well you do know you have borderline personality disorder (bpd). I looked at her like what the fuck. What’s bpd and why is this the first time i be heard about it.
I went home and researched it. From that i believed I had no hope.
Going through intensive dbt therapy I gained so many skills and changed my life. To the point with what’s happening with my hubby and how I’ve cope the doctors think I may only have the traits of the disorder now not full blown bpd.
Marrying sailor I believed (still do) that we’d be ok cause of understanding each other from our own journeys. They we could offer each of the sense of bonding. He often said he respected me so much for what he saw with me in therapy. That I allowed him the gift of being open, vulnerable and that he could be his weird self with me. We both realise that despite both having bpd we could have a powerful love others talk about. Not feeling judged because we understood.
With everything going on I realise I knew bod personally but I didn’t know the best ways supporting someone with bpd and all that it comes with. So headed to the local library and for three books on bpd. Over the weekend I’ve read all of them and man I’m pissed.
Going by research and these books. One with bpd has no chance of a successful relationship. They are angry dangerous people. With a high likely hood of killing themselves. That they only show empathy as a form of munuplation (can’t spell it). That they have a fear of abandonment and rejection. Are attention seekers. And the list goes on. all but 100% likely to cheat and use sex as a tool against someone.
From my experience with bpd. I’m not a dangerous person. I am passionate, I’m kind, caring, sensitive, loving, generous. I am human. I have faults. I live in a lot of fear yes of abandonment and rejection. But I don’t intentionally get depressed. I am not longer a risk to myself (4 years since I last attempted or self harmed and proud to say that both are no longer an option). I wasn’t attention seeking, my cutting was private it was a desperate way to release emotional pain. My attempts were in a huge part because I felt I was a burden, that those around me would be better off, I felt I was doing the right thing. I know I hurt a lot of people, but I through years of therapy realise I hurt people because I wanted to push them away for there own good. I wanted them happy, healthy, loved. I was wrong. And I now kbow when to seek help and accept it. I’ve learnt to use my tools. I’m a bloody awesome mum. And despite our challenges I try every day to be a better wife then yesterday. I know have an education. I know have positive relationships. I now understand how to help myself.
My experience in the view of having a husband with bpd. He’s is a highly intelligent, creative man. He is time generous. He is compassionate, loving, so funny. He is a loving man who has a low opinion of himselve. He struggles with not being good enough. Feeling like he’s not protecting or providing well enough. Even tho he does. I have never felt safer then in his arms. He has racing thoughts with a million and one ideas. He has many half finished projects he’s put down from fear of failing. He is a hard worker. Yes he gets angry but not once has he been violent. He is faithful and loyal. He is so many positive things. He loves deep.
Now a new experience of having my husband leave to protect us from himself. Not because he’s a bad person but because he’s a good person.
So to all the research papers and books try talking to real people for real experiences. Get the correct information out there for people to read to start to get peoples understanding rather then stigma. We are real people who deserve the same respect and live as any other human being. We are not living with a death sentence. We are living with a disorder that treated correct can give us a fighting chance to gather tools to better ourselves and those around us. We are NOT the disorder. I am not BPD I have bpd. My husband is NOT bpd he has bpd. We are not to be underestimated. We are capable of great things. We are warriors that want what everyone else has.
And this is way people that I stick by my husband. Why I and supporting him, loving him here for him. This is why I don’t give up. Because I know my husband’s heart. I know he’s a good man. Who despite hurting us is doing his up most to protect us. His up most to seek help and recovery. He is a real man for doing this. And as his wife I will continue to be proud that I married a man willing to fight every demon to get well.