We went to hell and back

Over the past few weeks with being in competition and me losing my mind but so many positives. We gained strength as a family unit really supporting and backing each other. I’m proud of all of us. My hubby really backing me emotionally and physically. Being there for the kids in so many ways. Being patient beyond all expectations. Believing in me when I didn’t. Showing our son what real support from a dad is. Protecting our girl and guiding her in ways she hasn’t experienced. Stepping up around the house to take pressure off me. All the while never complaining. Watching our boy gain a confidence he was lacking, pride in himself and his cooking. Having him and I grow closer having a bond of food and competing.

Originally I was going to enter three classes in the comp and our boy one. But the pressure of life got on top of me. So I dropped one. This past weekend it was time. I was due to drop my statics in the comp. On the way my cheesecake started slipping off the plate, then melting. But some how managed to get the cheese cake and artisan bread up.

Bailey’s and white chocolate cheesecake with a dark chocolate and espresso cremeux, glazed with a dark chocolate mirror glaze. A different Bailey’s cream cheese icing, garnished with chocolate and gold leaf.

For the breads I had to produce three different types so I made a 18 hr double hydration ciabatta. A laminated and plaited duck fat and bacon brioche and a garlic and rosemary foccicia. I also add artichoke paste and whipped butter.

Sadly we didn’t get a photo of the actual comp dish of my boys but he did the veg soup live, he made a borscht with a horse radish and sour cream garnished with chives

We had prize giving and we place extremely well.

Our boy received a silver medal and over all winner of class, along side awesome prizes

And I won 2 silver medals

One of the proudest moments as a competitor, a mum and as a family

When food and photography collide

Realised I hadn’t share many photos or food I’ve created lately so here’s a few from yesterday and today. Been missing school so had to get in the kitchen. Now off to study

New loaf recipe I tried

Mini loafs I turned into garlice bread my hubby grew

Home made pumpkin soup n my bread

Mini chicken n mushroom filo baskets

Cranberry and white choc muffins

Oat, cranberry and white choc biscults

A positive mood to end a good weekend

Sitting here just winding down I’m feeling pretty lucky. I have my first practical kitchen assessment in the morning 3 hours 3 dishes 3 sauces and a work plan. Yesterday I got the ingredients together to practice one of my dishes, loved having my hubby n kids try it. It boosted me up, I made errors but I knew why and how to change them. Spent time with my little family and went on to study completing my work plan.

Then today I woke spent time with my mama and extended family, organising a family picnic next week, headed to school to print out my work. And back home to spend time with my hubby. He surprised me by buying prawns, scallops and squid so I could practice more for my assessment. Add my sweet chilli sauce and made a burnt butter sauce. 

We chatted about my food, and assessment. You know what blows me away. The support I have from not only my kids but my hubby. I’ve realised this weekend I’ve come along way. I know a lot more then I realised. Sailor was asking me so many questions, and turns out I know more French terms then I believed I did. 

To hear my hubby say he believes in me, that I’ve got this. Has gone along way n boosting my confidence up. It still surprises me. Ive spent my life with people telling me I’d amount to nothing, that I’m useless,  and the sad part I believed them. So instead of sitting here anxious I’m instead excited but nervous. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I cant wait to get in the kitchen. My passion and drive has over come the complete utter fear.

Also a big part of study means I’ve felt pulled between life as a student and that of a wife and mum. I’m trying to find the balance so I told my 8 year old she could make banana pancakes. So proud we had mum n daughter time. And my girl felt so proud dishing up her very own pudding. Help he collect the ingredients, make the batter then cook them, was awesome. She even flipped them herself. Before we know it our girl will be able to make them all on her own. Getting home from dropping hubby off my boy told me just how happy he is that were standing time as a family, eating meals together and just chatting, laughing all being g playful.

So as I sit here knowing I have a hubby who loves me, kids who a growing up so well, my school stuff ready for the morning. I’m realise that despite the challenges we as a family face that I’m one lucky women. And I’m more grateful now for what I have then I ever have. 

2017 Day 12

6 weeks ago my 7 year old got pissed of with her brother and kicked him in the shin. We punished her and for about 5 days watched it closely. On the Sunday she had extremely high temps so took her to the doctors, I asked him to check her foot to cause she had a slight limp. Turns out she’d broken it (worst mother of the year goe to me for not getting it checked earlier). Doc told me not to stress cause there wasbo swelling or bruising. Anyways positive of the day was taking her to hospital and its all healed. She may have some pain and her limp for a few months but finally some positive news

BPD and what it is actually like.

Four years ago just after my second attempt and stay at the mental health unit I sat in a meeting of 10+ people mostly strangers. I wanted to go home it was part of the process. As the meeting ended my doctor turned around and well you do know you have borderline personality disorder (bpd). I looked at her like what the fuck. What’s bpd and why is this the first time i be heard about it. 

I went home and researched it. From that i believed I had no hope.

Going through intensive dbt therapy I gained so many skills and changed my life. To the point with what’s happening with my hubby and how I’ve cope the doctors think I may only have the traits of the disorder now not full blown bpd.

Marrying sailor I believed (still do) that we’d be ok cause of understanding each other from our own journeys. They we could offer each of the sense of bonding. He often said he respected me so much for what he saw with me in therapy. That I allowed him the gift of being open, vulnerable and that he could be his weird self with me. We both realise that despite both having bpd we could have a powerful love others talk about. Not feeling judged because we understood.

With everything going on I realise I knew bod personally but I didn’t know the best ways supporting someone with bpd and all that it comes with. So headed to the local library and for three books on bpd. Over the weekend I’ve read all of them and man I’m pissed. 

Going by research and these books. One with bpd has no chance of a successful relationship. They are angry dangerous people. With a high likely hood of killing themselves. That they only show empathy as a form of munuplation (can’t spell it). That they have a fear of abandonment and rejection. Are attention seekers. And the list goes on. all but 100% likely to cheat and use sex as a tool against someone. 

From my experience with bpd. I’m not a dangerous person. I am passionate, I’m kind, caring, sensitive, loving, generous. I am human. I have faults. I live in a lot of fear yes of abandonment and rejection. But I don’t intentionally get depressed. I am not longer a risk to myself (4 years since I last attempted or self harmed and proud to say that both are no longer an option). I wasn’t attention seeking, my cutting was private it was a desperate way to release emotional pain. My attempts were in a huge part because I felt I was a burden, that those around me would be better off, I felt I was doing the right thing. I know I hurt a lot of people, but I through years of therapy realise I hurt people because I wanted to push them away for there own good. I wanted them happy, healthy, loved. I was wrong. And I now kbow when to seek help and accept it. I’ve learnt to use my tools. I’m a bloody awesome mum. And despite our challenges I try every day to be a better wife then yesterday. I know have an education. I know have positive relationships. I now understand how to help myself.

My experience in the view of having a husband with bpd. He’s is a highly intelligent, creative man. He is time generous. He is compassionate, loving, so funny. He is a loving man who has a low opinion of himselve. He struggles with not being good enough. Feeling like he’s not protecting or providing well enough. Even tho he does. I have never felt safer then in his arms. He has racing thoughts with a million and one ideas. He has many half finished projects he’s put down from fear of failing. He is a hard worker. Yes he gets angry but not once has he been violent. He is faithful and loyal. He is so many positive things. He loves deep. 

Now a new experience of having my husband leave to protect us from himself. Not because he’s a bad person but because he’s a good person. 

So to all the research papers and books try talking to real people for real experiences. Get the correct information out there for people to read to start to get peoples understanding rather then stigma. We are real people who deserve the same respect and live as any other human being. We are not living with a death sentence. We are living with a disorder that treated correct can give us a fighting chance to gather tools to better ourselves and those around us. We are NOT the disorder. I am not BPD I have bpd. My husband is NOT bpd he has bpd. We are not to be underestimated. We are capable of great things. We are warriors that want what everyone else has.

And this is way people that I stick by my husband. Why I and supporting him, loving him here for him. This is why I don’t give up. Because I know my husband’s heart. I know he’s a good man. Who despite hurting us is doing his up most to protect us. His up most to seek help and recovery. He is a real man for doing this. And as his wife I will continue to be proud that I married a man willing to fight every demon to get well.

I’ve graduated!!!!

Realised I’ve not posted in nearly a month. Life’s been crazy I’ve graduated my course n I’m start my first year of chefs training in February. Can’t wait to share what I’ve been doing. But for now I’m focusing on my babies n hubby n getting my house back in order lol

Ups and downs

What a rollercoaster from such lows a few weeks ago to such highs

What an amazing week my family had, all back to school, we had production for my course where I did the last of my barista training, dinner date at pacifica restaurant was amazing. Recommend you go. Still trying to remember everything we ate lol Jeremy had us at the chefs table full view of the kitchen. N he decided what we ate instead of letting us choose what menu to go with n he gave us different plates so we could try more of his food. Was the most inspirational meal I’ve eaten n the atmosphere was relaxed but beautiful. Magic seeing my Hubby’s produce on a few of the dishes followed up by my sons 14th birthday. And I’ve just filled out my enrolment forms to start my chef training next year.and my Hubby’s garden business is taking off at great speeds

Creative Saturday

​Playing around with a basic meringue recipe, made peppermint n dark choc, strawberry flavoured and a few different types of meringue cookies. Tried out brandy snaps bit of a disaster but still tasted good

Absolutely a cycle

After my last post I’ve had a good day, I’m drained I’m feeling more positive. Life is challenging and when I hit a hole in the road I have to remind myself that a bad day isn’t a bad life 

Studying fulltime is an ongoing adjustment for me and my family. We’re all busy people and sometimes just bringing it back to basics is defiantly needed. So I had laughs with my boy. I got the ingredients for me and my baby to make yummy chocolate berry tart (love teaching my kids in the kitchen) and I hugged my hubby tighter and reminded myself just how amazing an supportive he’s been. 

So while I’m looking forward to semester break in a weeks time. I’m going to make the most of class. Today we had an awesome service heaps of positive comments from customers in the pop up cafe we’re running. My husbands business is coming along nicely and he’s learn so much. 

So time to just be proud of how far we all coming 

Feeling pulled

This week has been challenging. Between study work, home, hubby, kids, housework I’m feeling torn. Kids are playing up, hubby is grumpy with me n I have know idea why and I’m tired. I thought semester break was this week but it’s not for two weeks. Feel like I’m running on empty trying to fit everything in. So frustrated and emotional