When you don’t click

With your new therapist :/ I’ve been twice. I’ll go next week, but unless there’s a vast difference I’ll have to change people. Story of my life. Try to keep well and it doesn’t work. My family therapist and I discussed given it a real go, open, honest, real. To not judge, be open to a new way of a new person. I went in positive but left dispointed. 

Maybe I’m in the wrong, I knew I don’t trust, especially with the past six months of being let down from mental health n doctors. 

Talking to Nicki (the family therapist) I spoke to her about a few concerns from last week and I’ll debrief again tomorrow. But last week I struggled with the lack of Josie’s (new therapists) lack of eye contact. She constantly looked away when she spoke or I was talking. I also left there feeling detached. She like my hubby said that can be normal to be matter of fact with first sessions. Nicki asked me to be a little more open with my struggles to give her the chance to help. Because I have a way of appearing in control and well that I may need to let my walls down. Also talk to her about the eye contact.

So I get there. Head in. She asked about my week. Told her the good ie my mums cancer free. Also the struggles I feel while my Hubby’s at work, my boys eye sight, my girls broken arm, not being able to relax or unwind. She’s replied sounds like a good positive week then. I got my back up, please tell me how my son may have major issues with his eye sight is positive, my baby could fucken go blind. And while trying to express how I feel about mums health, she kept bringing it back to her friend who had cancer????

Anyways I pushed forward keeping calm. And thought right I’m gonna push this women she what she’s made off. So I starting talking about my experiences when I was in contact with my hubby. And she started talking again about her sons struggles with mental health. I observe people a lot so I was watching her closely. She won’t give me eye contact, she looked every where but no eye contact. I found her checking her watch and the clock on the wall to the point I felt uncomfortable. And constant fidgeting with her hands. 

One thing that really got to me was her wording with a few things. I was taking about my experiences having attempted suicide and the past few months with hubby. And her words shocked me. She said it was “hard case”. As in funny haha hard case. 

I stayed for the session but left feeling confused. Especially since she ended the session with just stay positive. No actual advice or guidance to anything I’m going through. And how is any thing I’m going through ” hard fucken case”

Hell am I just being difficult. Or have I been lumped with another idiot? Am I wrong not to give a flying fuck about her son or friends. I don’t need nor want to spend more time talking about them then the reason I’m there. Am I wrong to believe a therapist should be encouraging me to work through my issues. To face things. To offer advice to ideas I can put in place to work through it all. This is why I wanted a phycologist or however you spell it. Not some councilor who doesn’t know there arse from there elbow. I wanted and need someone who’s trained in mental health, who have an understanding of bpd, breakdowns, being hospitalised, suicide, self harm. Maybe someone who may know a little about dbt. 

I just feel I’ve opened up to yet another person who’s clueless yet isn’t professional even to admit if a case is to difficult. Or they don’t have the training require to treat someone with my experiences. 

I feel let down by the system yet again. I just want to be able to truly open up and get some guidance. After all I’m only trying to work on me, my future, and be the best mum and wife I can be, to support my hubby in the right ways to be by his side as he finds his way through this maze. To be strong for my kids. To vent so I can let my fears for my son out safely not scare him. 

And what cracks me up its my first night off by myself. and I feel so lost with out my kids and sailor here. 

Second night 

Of not being able to sleep. And I’m super frustrated. Days I’m doing ok, good even. I’m getting ahead with the house and studies. I’ve spent time with my kids. I have my younger cousin staying so cooked a yummy dinner, first time making chicken diane. Was delicious. Talked to hubby earlier. He sounds like he’s having a good time away at work. I’m missing him like crazy but happy he’s happy. 

My mum got her final clearance from the cancer specialist today. She doesn’t have to go back for a year. Crazy to think 2 and a half months ago she was told she had breast cancer and now thabks to her radical treatment with surgery she’s free of cancer. I’m stoked.

My girl goes to the hospital tomorrow to get a new full cast on. She’s doing well but frustrated she can’t do what she normally does. Looking forward to hearing exactly where the break is and how long she’s going to have the cast for.

Last month I finally got glasses. Needed them from about 16. I decided together my kids eyes tested. My girls are fine and she doesn’t need glasses. However toke my son today. And I was shocked to say the least. He needs glasses which he’s ok about. As part of a government scheme for under 16 year olds we are lucky he gets two pairs neqrlly $700 worth for free. What’s got me worried is as a child he had a slight lazy eye. It seems to have corrected itself. But today we discovered he still has issues with that eye. When he focuses instead of both eyes looking in, his left flicks out. That parts fixable. He has daily exercises to correct it which I’m grateful. One of the main reasons I wanted them check was because he’s regularly getting headaches. The optometrist was really concerned because they’re only at the front left behind his eye. She is worried about (excuse my spelling) him have glaucoma. Essentially a condition that can cause him to go blind in that eye. She did further tests which were ok. But she’s strongly advised that I get him check again in 3 months. Because she can’t explain the headaches. And she said while he’s not common this young its def not unheard of. Just worries me. I’m feeling guilt that it’s taken so lo g to take him in. I should’ve years ago, but didnt realise. I don’t want my son to go blind in that eye full stop. But if he does cause of my inactions just is eating me up. 

I’ve got a night of from my kids tomorrow. But like the past 6 months I don’t get a break. I have therapy then hospital for my girl. The next morning therapy again then work. And Hubby’s away and not back till friday. I’m desperate for a real break. I haven’t had one in the time without having school, therapy, work, and everything else. I’m trying to be strong for everyone. But I miss taking care of myself and for a night not having to worry about anything.

One day…..

The back story of finding my husband

Yesterday being our anniversary I was struggling, unable to focus, I felt triggered, sad, frustrated. I felt this wasn’t going to end and I felt powerless. So I finally rung his friend and boss. I left him a message explaining I loved sailor, but I needed a forwarding address so I could get his stuff to him. My best mate turned up we were discussing again what I could do, i was scared coz earlier I’d found a half empty packet of panadol in sailors truck. He hated taking this even when he was sick. I sent alarm bells. Then his boss rung. Upset I told him sailor had been in hospital I wanted the best for him a and how much I loved him, that I needed to know where he was to drop his stuff off. I explain sailor wouldn’t end the marriage, i asked if he’d been ok at work a few weeks ago and he replied he wasn’t and wasn’t himself. He then gave me sailors address and told me sorry he couldn’t be more help and if I needed anything to call.

With this I rung my mum told her she came straight over to watch the kids. I briefly told my son I’d found him my boy smiled so hard. I cuddled my girl and I got his wedding ring. Me n my bestmate got in my car and headed straight him. I was so nervous believing that the end of my marriage was close.

We arrived at the accommodation he was staying at a lovely lady let us in and showed us to his room. I knocked on the door and there was my husband. The look of shock at seeing us then he melted. I said please just give me a minute she nodded and I followed him out side, my bf waited behind. I stood in front of him and his eyes were down. I asked him to look at me as he looked up he saw my wedding ring and he had tears. He told me he didn’t know what to say. I replied don’t say anything just listen. I told him i know your sick, you need time (i could see how much pain he was in) but do you want me to wait he looked me straight in the eyes and said please wait. Iasked him if he remebered day it was and he said of course I couldn’t forget our anniversary. He come forward and wrapped me in the tightest hug, having to hold me up because I was shaking so bad. I whispered I love you and he said he loved me to. He told me he feels useless, and he described how he’s been feeling. Tears streaming down his face. I gently lift his face and told him he’s intelligent, smart, loving and no useless. He pulled me into another hug. I whisper baby I’m not leaving you, I’m not abandoning you, I’ll wait, that he’s my best friend and husband, all his stuffs still at home. That he has 5 children, a grandchild and a wife who needs and loves him. I pulled away and told him he had no Idea what I’d done to find him and he thanked me for finding him and not giving up. I told him he’d better not take off again cause I’d go back to being the crazy stalker bitch and find him he laughed. He hugged me again I asked him if I should go, not wanting to push him. He nodded. I said one more thing he asked what. I told him I had his ring in the car and could I give it back to him. He smiled through tears and said please. 

I walked past my bf and she looked puzzled I replied I’m getting his ring. I raced to the car and straight back. I walked back to them and she gave him a hug and was reassuring him. I looked at him and handed him his ring. He slipped it straight on. I told him I’d go and to make contact when he’s ready. I asked if he had the same number and he said yes, I replied I knew it your a stubborn prick he smiled and said you are to. We hugged, told each other we loved each other. And I walked away.

Getting into the car me and my bestie burst into tears. She goes hunny he loves you. She’d told him I’d not given up. He told her he wanted to ring and text everyday but didn’t know what to say and he was so sorry. He thanked her for looking after us.

Getting home I was able to tell my mum and kids I’d seen him and he was ok. The relief was instant. And while this doesn’t take away the pain and heartache we’ve been through its given me answers a short 5-10 visit. Its given me a lot of hope that somehow we can begin slowly to navigate this together. I’m so greatful I got to see for myself that he is alive. I see how mentally unwell he is and that breaks me but it also backs what mybgut has been screaming at me for 8 weeks 1 day. We have one hell of a road ahead of us, but one we both want together. I feel blessed to have seen him, hold each other and hear the beautiful words I love you. My husband held me the same way on our wedding day. I’m dealt o the fact this is a baby step. But answers Idesperately sort for weeks. I know I’ll wait for him and walk beside him as he gets his health worked on. We face challenges as individuals, a couple and as a family. But I truly am grateful

1:42am 12/02/2017

Two years since my sailor asked me if it was appropriate if he hit on me. I giggled and said yes. We joked about it often. Early hours of the morning and I want to sleep. But instead my mind is playing our relationship over and over like an old record that won’t stop. Last night prepared I spend hours cleaning to tire myself old, wrote cards to hubby, I had a long hot shower, I listened to my sleep meditation 3 times and fell asleep for half an hour and I’ve been wide awake since.

4 different dbt therapy techniques. Avoid avoiding. Self soothing, distraction and mindfulness meditation. Fat lot of good that did. I’m wanting and needed the impossible. I shouldn’t be alone I should have my husband here with me. Instead he’s god knows where mentally unwell with no one. I need answers. I’m at a stop light that won’t change. I’m trying everything to move forward and I’m getting road blocks every step of the way. I’m lost, I’m broken, I don’t know what to do. Time is not going to help at this point. Until his belongings are gone I have a constant in my face reminder that triggers me. A lawyer told me I can’t get rid of any off hmit without his permission. I’m trying to convince myself he’s gone forever, then I’m reminded that not matter what I do I’m screwed, I’m still considered married, the day he left because he was having a breakdown they’ve said he legal wasn’t of sane mind to make such a decision. But the let him say no contact. The laws on his side, mental health and the hospital is on his side. The support people I have agree that without even a simple answer they cant see a way for me to move forward. I feel trapped by a system that have be negligent to both my husband and I. There’s no way out there’s no way forward. I’m stuck in A hold and all I want is for him safe and home where he belongs. What the hell have I don’t so bad to suffer such a living hell

2017 Day 13

Yesterday I was in a really bad way emotionally so I did the right thing and rung the mental health team. I got stuck with an arsehole who said I should be going to family n gp. I hung up. Ended up calling back and spoke to a guy who actually read my file. He told me he’d have a person from the team ring me each day to check in make sure I’m doing ok until a key worker was assigned to me. 

Well this morning I was shocked when I got the call. The lady was brilliant. Asking how I was coping, we talked about what skills I could use from therapy. She’s suggested at my ok to put me back on a dbt therapy refresher just to go through the skills again to see if there’s something else I can use. I said to her I kbow you can’t give proper details that I want. But can you please just let me know how my hubby is. Its finally dawned on them that a little reassurance is actually beneficial to me n my kids without breaching his privacy. She said she isn’t part of his team but has checked. And the he’s doing ok. I asked if he’s still in treatment. She told me he def is, his team is keeping a close eye on him. I had instant relief. I told her to. She said that they do want to discuss it with me but still aren’t able to. When I responded its ok, I feel abit better just knowing that small snippet of information. 

So I hope they get it know that something so small makes such a huge difference. When my girl asked about her sailor I could tell her they’re taking great care of him. I also followed through with texting him, this time ok knowing I’d not get a response. Just a simple I love you have a great day. So now I need to continue working on trusting that they are looking after my husband. I have to believe and try and step back just a little. Simply because I need to keep well. I alsoreached the decision that its ok to want it to cone home. Its ok to have hope. Its ok to text him. That its ok that even tho I don’t know the outcome will be I can still love and support my husband 

2017 Day 11

What positives. Today my son has been with drawn, my daughter finally lost it begging me to bring her sailor home. I got to my mums she’s upset cause her friend died. Then she let me know tonight a family friend died, just  months after her husband. They’d both been in my life from when I was a baby.

I had my first appointment with a physiotherapist. She was good but could only recommend I keep up with my dbt skills. She had no idea how to help me.

I also had my first appointment with a organisation which helps support people of those who have a loved one with mental health issues. They were great they heard me but that’s where it stopped. They have said I have done everything in my power to help my husband. I’d visited or called every possible person and organisation there is to call. They agree I’ve been treated badly, that the system is flawed. They are going to try to speak to his key worker but are not expecting a positive outcome. Even though they agree after 3 and a half weeks I need to be told more details. To what Hubby’s plans are so I can either keep holding on or let my husband go. I should’ve been aloud to speak with his doctors, been at his discharge meeting at least to show support. That the support worker shouldn’t have had my husband so close that I saw him on Friday. They said it was cruel. They also said that I should be given warning should my husband cone to get his truck so they I have they option weather the kids and I are home. And so I’m not put through anymore anxiety should he just turn up.

So all in all I feel like I’m a complete failed my husband. That I should’ve pushed harder in the months leading to his breakdown. That I should’ve put things in place. That I should’ve heard him when he desperately need me to. What a fucken fuck up of a wife. I hate the mental health system who should’ve listened months ago and helped him before our marriage feel apart. What a cruel world never ending heart ache. Despite doing everything and more then most people would. I’m sick of hearing have patience’s, hope, faith. What the fucka the point

Bit of an update

Nothing changed in the fact I’ve still not had contact from my husband. But over the past few days I started dropping. I was hitting one obstacle after an other. So yesterday I when to the community mental health team. I had support from 3 different workers. The main one asked me what I wanted to achieve by speaking to his doctor. And I explained I wanted them to hear from my point of view my husbands symptoms and patterns and to know he’s safe. She explained why they can’t give me information but advised me to write a letter with everything I wanted to say to his doctor and bring it back in. That the doctor was obliged to read it and put it on Hubby’s file. Weather they listened or not was not something I couldnt control. She said she believed I’d done everything in my power to reach out and support my hubby. So today that’s my focus to write this letter its harder then I thought it would be. She also remind me of my dbt skills and controlling what I can control. And agreed starting meds may be having a negative effect on me as they had in the past and agreed for me to go natural with folic acid (I’m low in it) and magnesium which helps with sleep (in the past its been helpful). I also download a mindfulness meditation app so I could go back to basics. I also realised one of my old triggers had once again become a trigger. Facebook. I’ve be obsessively checking if he’s online and if he’d change our marriage status which he didn’t. If he was online I was angry n if he wasn’t I was worried. So last night I had my best friend change my Facebook passwords and not give them to me for a week. Already I feel a little calmer. I didn’t want to delete it, or block my hubby so this was my step. Something I can control. I’m also going to try and express myself here. If anything to get what I’m feeling out. Having anger towards the system isn’t helping me. At the moment I am in limbo. But I still have choices and things I can control and I have to get back to realising nothings black n white but grey. That I can’t fix or force my husband to do anything. That I can only be there to support him even if that’s from a distance. I haven’t gone into depression or bpd. So now is my time to take care of me to so I don’t sink into old patterns. As the lady said yesterday this isnt rejection this is a hard situation with my husband mentally unwell. And not to resort to sending messages that with trigger response and that I’d regret like yesterday. So here’s to pulling all the stops to keep well for me my kids and my darling husband. Because I love him so much that I’m going to keep fighting for us and supporting him

My husband just gave me and my son

A gift that he doesn’t know about and I wish I could tell him. With my husband in the hospital my son (14) asked why I was sticking by hubby when he’s not contact me for 2 n a half weeks. And I said to my boy because I’ve been there right where he is and I know what it takes to seek help and accept help. My son was never told I was a patient at an mental health unit. He asked me why I was there (check out my first posts for full details) I told him he didn’t need to know and that it would be hard to hear. He still wanted to know so with a heavy heart and scared of his reaction I told him I’d attempted suicide twice and self harmed. And that’s why I’m sticking by my husband. Because I fully understand where he’s at. I’m shocked because my boy took it so well asked questions. No judgements. He wasn’t surprised he just went with it. I didn’t go into all details because of his age but we talked. Its pulled us closer because he suddenly realised how far I’d come and that I’m human. So despite all the pain I’m in with my hubby I’m grateful its allowed me the oppunity to talk to my boy. So he knows if he’s struggling I’m here I’ll always be here to listen and talk. that nothings off limits. I’ve never felt this close to my son and I have my husband to thank for that. Silver lining in a horrible situation. I’ll watch my son closely in case it hits him but he’s asked to talk to gandma tomorrow once he’s had a chance to think. I so proud of him and I feel lime a weights been lifted as I’ve been scared for 4 years that someone else would tell him yet it was never the right time

Dear husband

My dearest sailor. As I lay here knowing I cant say this to you right now and as crazy as I sound. I hope in some way you feel this.

I need to write to you and tell you about the things I remember. Well someone them because there’s so many memories. Yes we’ve had tough times, yes we annoy each, drive each other crazy. But tonight I want to tell you about things that mean so much. Maybe someday we’ll be able to experience it all.

– remember being on your boat and one day I told you I missed your chocolate brownies. You said when I see you I’ll make them again just for you with any topping i wanted and you did. 

– how sneaky you were at the start when I refused to let you contribute financially. One time you snuck $50 in to my pencil case for me to stumble across. Another time you went to the shop and paid for a pack of smokes and asked the owner to give them to me next time I came in.

– our first date were we drove the magic truck over heating got Georgie pie and coffee for dinner and went to see 50 shades of grey.

– before we had a car you use to meet me at the bus stop, with a cup of coffee, ciggy rolled and my favourite blanket so you could carry the food home and walk with me.

– how one night I feel asleep outside in the carport and you went and got me a blanket and kissed me. 

– when you brought me one of my treasured possessions different grade pencils as we walked side by side as I fought back tears.

– how you held my hand waiting for the specialist appointment while I was terrified 

-how your run me a bath, sometimes with a glass of wine. Another when you serenaded me while I giggled.

– how when I couldn’t move with my back you’d rub it until I felt better.

– one night I had a horrific nightmare I couldn’t wake up from but I heard you say baby your safe I’m hear while holding me so tight.

– when you told me one day you wanted to marry me and you’d already got my children’s and mums blessing. Proposing a few weeks later in front of them. Designing my engagement ring as a one of a kind with my favourite stone amethyst in a tear drop you said from tears to happiness (which I later figured out was your birthstone). When two days before our first anniversary proposed again on bended knee just us. When we married and again months later proposed to mW in the kitchen. How I said yes yes yes three times and married you.

Baby do you realise the good outweighs our hard times. That i Remember so much and treasure how you encouraged me, supported and loved me gave me so much that I grew.

Well my sailor I best attempt to sleep. Just know first your were my friend. As as I told you last week I love you at group 3+ years ago I love you now as my best friend and husband and I love you always

Love you alottle


Feels like life’s 

Falling apart at great speed. I know its a bump in the road. Logically I know it won’t last, things will pick back up, I know life’s not all bad. Just having an overwhelming day of feeling guilt and helplessness. My babies birthday is next week and I feel I’m letting him down. Home life is tense. My sailors away for work. My kids are picking up my emotions and everyone’s on eggshells. Course starts back next week and I’m scared I’ll fail, even though I’ve passed to this point. Financially we’re screwed at no fault of our own our incomings are not covering the bare basics. I’m stressed and frustrated. And annoyed how quickly things can go from amazing to shit in 2.5 seconds. I need a break which won’t happen. I need rest. I need me time. I need family time. I need to stop tiring myself up in knots. And my phone needs to stop with auto correct. argh life