Second night 

Of not being able to sleep. And I’m super frustrated. Days I’m doing ok, good even. I’m getting ahead with the house and studies. I’ve spent time with my kids. I have my younger cousin staying so cooked a yummy dinner, first time making chicken diane. Was delicious. Talked to hubby earlier. He sounds like he’s having a good time away at work. I’m missing him like crazy but happy he’s happy. 

My mum got her final clearance from the cancer specialist today. She doesn’t have to go back for a year. Crazy to think 2 and a half months ago she was told she had breast cancer and now thabks to her radical treatment with surgery she’s free of cancer. I’m stoked.

My girl goes to the hospital tomorrow to get a new full cast on. She’s doing well but frustrated she can’t do what she normally does. Looking forward to hearing exactly where the break is and how long she’s going to have the cast for.

Last month I finally got glasses. Needed them from about 16. I decided together my kids eyes tested. My girls are fine and she doesn’t need glasses. However toke my son today. And I was shocked to say the least. He needs glasses which he’s ok about. As part of a government scheme for under 16 year olds we are lucky he gets two pairs neqrlly $700 worth for free. What’s got me worried is as a child he had a slight lazy eye. It seems to have corrected itself. But today we discovered he still has issues with that eye. When he focuses instead of both eyes looking in, his left flicks out. That parts fixable. He has daily exercises to correct it which I’m grateful. One of the main reasons I wanted them check was because he’s regularly getting headaches. The optometrist was really concerned because they’re only at the front left behind his eye. She is worried about (excuse my spelling) him have glaucoma. Essentially a condition that can cause him to go blind in that eye. She did further tests which were ok. But she’s strongly advised that I get him check again in 3 months. Because she can’t explain the headaches. And she said while he’s not common this young its def not unheard of. Just worries me. I’m feeling guilt that it’s taken so lo g to take him in. I should’ve years ago, but didnt realise. I don’t want my son to go blind in that eye full stop. But if he does cause of my inactions just is eating me up. 

I’ve got a night of from my kids tomorrow. But like the past 6 months I don’t get a break. I have therapy then hospital for my girl. The next morning therapy again then work. And Hubby’s away and not back till friday. I’m desperate for a real break. I haven’t had one in the time without having school, therapy, work, and everything else. I’m trying to be strong for everyone. But I miss taking care of myself and for a night not having to worry about anything.

One day…..

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Once again

Its nearly midnight and I’m wide awake. I’ve had a great day, hanging out with my kids. I took my son to fast and the furious 8 at the movies earlier. I promised him at Christmas that he’d get to go when it was at the theatre. And by a stroke of luck my pay went in early due to public holidays on Tuesday. So I could take him finally. Felt like much needed mum n son relaxing bonding time and we had a blast. Having spent lots of time with my girl lately, he’d done really well making that happen felt great to have one on one time. I was missing hubby heaps tonight so got the house cleaned up, homemade pumpkin soup for dinner. Then finally got a few hours study done. Finally feel like I’m getting on top of practical things.

I am struggling with a few things. Over thinking. But hey what’s new that’s me right lol. I started with a new councilor last week. And two things struck me since. 

One. I realised that I’m really detached from a few things at the moment. Really matter of fact. Able to talk about some things regarding my hubby without emotion, also mums cancer. I know it can be “normal”. Dealing with some major emotions can just be to hard. I know to heal and move past them I need to process everything. But in same ways my minds protecting me from the fact I very nearly lost my two best friends in such a short space of time. I thought I was dealing with them. But I’m shutting them out. Trying to block and avoid the things I need to deal with the most and it scares me. If I deal with them I have to face it head on and the thought breaks me. If I don’t deal with it all its going to cone back and hurt me later. I can’t even figure out where to begin. I wish I didn’t have to.

Two. The councilor brought up PTSD. Or post traumatic stress disorder. She didn’t diagnose me but strong implied she believes I have it. First reaction was, whatever dumb bitch doesn’t know me and I brushed it off. Second was, have I not got enough labels. Have i not had enough of them to last a life time. Over the years ive had or do have Bpd, depression, reactional depression, anxiety, insomnia, self harm, 2 suicide attempts, ocd, nightmares and night terrors, sleep eating. Some say while not an eating disorder, eating issues. and now PTSD. Third reaction. How can I have that when it didn’t actually happen to me. I didn’t see the event? I’m not getting into details, but I am having struggles with intense fear, I’m super jumpy all the time, anxious with situations I never use to be, and my nightmares are worse, they’re horrific and so vivid. But still didn’t witness it and as I said it didn’t happen to me. So I can’t understand how I could have PTSD because of it and a few other things. I’m not going to blame the situation for the way I’m feeling. I just don’t know again how to process it. Especially when I’m so grateful that even though it happened, it didn’t turn into my worst nightmare, its a work in progress yet still so many positive steps are happening. 

Anyways I’m rambling again. So I’m going to head offline. And do some mindfulness. Unwind and get some sleep. Tomorrows a new day

I feel silly

But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man

A positive mood to end a good weekend

Sitting here just winding down I’m feeling pretty lucky. I have my first practical kitchen assessment in the morning 3 hours 3 dishes 3 sauces and a work plan. Yesterday I got the ingredients together to practice one of my dishes, loved having my hubby n kids try it. It boosted me up, I made errors but I knew why and how to change them. Spent time with my little family and went on to study completing my work plan.

Then today I woke spent time with my mama and extended family, organising a family picnic next week, headed to school to print out my work. And back home to spend time with my hubby. He surprised me by buying prawns, scallops and squid so I could practice more for my assessment. Add my sweet chilli sauce and made a burnt butter sauce. 

We chatted about my food, and assessment. You know what blows me away. The support I have from not only my kids but my hubby. I’ve realised this weekend I’ve come along way. I know a lot more then I realised. Sailor was asking me so many questions, and turns out I know more French terms then I believed I did. 

To hear my hubby say he believes in me, that I’ve got this. Has gone along way n boosting my confidence up. It still surprises me. Ive spent my life with people telling me I’d amount to nothing, that I’m useless,  and the sad part I believed them. So instead of sitting here anxious I’m instead excited but nervous. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I cant wait to get in the kitchen. My passion and drive has over come the complete utter fear.

Also a big part of study means I’ve felt pulled between life as a student and that of a wife and mum. I’m trying to find the balance so I told my 8 year old she could make banana pancakes. So proud we had mum n daughter time. And my girl felt so proud dishing up her very own pudding. Help he collect the ingredients, make the batter then cook them, was awesome. She even flipped them herself. Before we know it our girl will be able to make them all on her own. Getting home from dropping hubby off my boy told me just how happy he is that were standing time as a family, eating meals together and just chatting, laughing all being g playful.

So as I sit here knowing I have a hubby who loves me, kids who a growing up so well, my school stuff ready for the morning. I’m realise that despite the challenges we as a family face that I’m one lucky women. And I’m more grateful now for what I have then I ever have. 

Whrn you feel like its your fault

But logically know its not. I know that if someone’s intent on attempting suicide that there’s nothing another person can do to stop them. Maybe you can for a day, a week, a month but if that’s what they want they’ll do it. I know I couldn’t have stopped him my god I tried. I’m grateful he was found and cut down and lived. I’m grateful I didn’t lose my best friend my world. Is it not hard enough, the guilt for not stopping him, self blame for not pushing to get him more help, fear it’ll happen again. Is it not enough that I’ve only recently learned of this horrific experience he had. But to learn in the police report that they believed it was because of our marriage even tho he refused to talk about why. And he has told me it was no way my fault. Is it not enough they never told me. Is it not enough that I begged for him to get help. To feel attacked and blamed just fuels the pain and guilt. My heart feels broken tonight as I try and busy myself from the thought of what if, if only. From the thoughts that I nearly lost my precious sailor, I nearly had to bury a man who is so amazing and loved, cherished and needed. This is something I don’t even know how tobegin to process. Thank god he is seeking help and allowing me to support him. I just don’t know how to stop thinking, thoughts swirling, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears threatening to overflow. Thank god my darling is alive

1:27am and my heads spinnig

Everything from my husbands mental health and being away from our home, to finding him being in contact. To mums breast cancer and her upcoming surgery to have both breasts removed and likely cemo. To my school loving it but its super intense. To trying to be a good mum to my kids. To the lump mY doc found in my breast and waiting on tests. To trying to juggle everything from the house to finding some time so me n hubby can get together and go on a date to trying to figure out how to tell him about my lump without scarying him and having him either go steps backwards mentally or coming home and wrapping me in cotton wool. Yes there’s positives but there’s so many scary unknowns and waiting for so many answers. 

Please don’t say be patient and have hope that it’ll work out how its meant to. That what dsnt kill ya makes ya stronger. Someone else has it worse or that my struggles don’t mean anything

They’re real they’re big they are my life. I’ve been thrown so many things that I can’t begin to wrap my head around. Having two people I love literary fighting for their lives, my health unknown all the while raising and trying to emotionally support two kids who are struggling. All the while being married but a single mum again struggling to be in fulltime study, work parttime, taking care of all the financial, and all the cooking and cleaning, whilst trying to find time to do therapy, get my marriage on track, taking care n supporting my mama. I’m sleeping but a few hours a night, I have no appetite at all, lost weight, an doctors aren’t supporting my goal to keep mentally week. 

I’m treading water 24/7 trying to keep upbove water. All with responsibilities I can not drop.

I need a break so badly from my mind, to just get a good sleep recharge to be the mum, wife, daughter and student I want to be

I’m so desperate to see my husband

Alots happened this week and I’ll share more tomorrow. But right now I’m so desperate just to see my sailor. To have him hug me, make me forget for just a moment that anything else exists, that no bad things are happening. That things are normal. I just need him. I asked to to catch up tomorrow after my meetings but I’d forgotten he was going away to work. Argh for one moment I want to forget my world is a living hell and feel safe and protected. I’m so grateful he’s trying just wish it was as simple as we could make it happen

Geez it doesn’t rain but it pours

I told my best mate a few days ago when talking about heading to the doctors that my life’s already crazy why not add more crazy by getting checked. I’d convinced myself that the tests would be fine everything would just keep chugging along unti

um went to see the doctor this afternoon. He did an exam and found a lump in my right breast under the vein that came up a few months ago. He said hopefully is innocent, a cyst or something because it moves. But he said something about 3cm (do t kbow if that the guessed size or what) he was surprised it didn’t hurt. I explained I do regular self checks n didn’t notice it. He said cause of mum n the family history he’s sending me for a scan and mammogram asap if I don’t get send by hospital in 3 weeks I’m to go back. He said mum sees oncology they’ll loom into doing gene testing. 

All I can think is my life is like a bad movie that no one would believe because its so crazy but its my life at the moment.

I’m a little nervous if I’m honest

Everyone knows my mums has cancer. I’m heading to the doctors after school. There’s a genetics test I may have to do to see if I have the breast cancer gene. As we have a family history and a few months ago I have breast changes. So I’ve been told I have to go in and have a full exam done. I’m nervous for a few reasons, firstly I’m fiercely private the thought of the exam ties me up in knots. I’m worried about the changes even though highly likely to be hormonal. And the results either I’m negative or positive, if neg awesome but if positive I’ll have an 80% chance of developing breast cancer. Pretty scary. I’ll get it done but I really want to reach out to hubby but I won’t. I’m greatful for school so I’m distracted. Also happy I contact hubby on Saturday and heard back quickly even for him. And I got a goodnight text from him last night. So while I’m scared and nervous I’ve got positives. And hell I’ve been through worse over the last few months so should be a walk in the park

The back story of finding my husband

Yesterday being our anniversary I was struggling, unable to focus, I felt triggered, sad, frustrated. I felt this wasn’t going to end and I felt powerless. So I finally rung his friend and boss. I left him a message explaining I loved sailor, but I needed a forwarding address so I could get his stuff to him. My best mate turned up we were discussing again what I could do, i was scared coz earlier I’d found a half empty packet of panadol in sailors truck. He hated taking this even when he was sick. I sent alarm bells. Then his boss rung. Upset I told him sailor had been in hospital I wanted the best for him a and how much I loved him, that I needed to know where he was to drop his stuff off. I explain sailor wouldn’t end the marriage, i asked if he’d been ok at work a few weeks ago and he replied he wasn’t and wasn’t himself. He then gave me sailors address and told me sorry he couldn’t be more help and if I needed anything to call.

With this I rung my mum told her she came straight over to watch the kids. I briefly told my son I’d found him my boy smiled so hard. I cuddled my girl and I got his wedding ring. Me n my bestmate got in my car and headed straight him. I was so nervous believing that the end of my marriage was close.

We arrived at the accommodation he was staying at a lovely lady let us in and showed us to his room. I knocked on the door and there was my husband. The look of shock at seeing us then he melted. I said please just give me a minute she nodded and I followed him out side, my bf waited behind. I stood in front of him and his eyes were down. I asked him to look at me as he looked up he saw my wedding ring and he had tears. He told me he didn’t know what to say. I replied don’t say anything just listen. I told him i know your sick, you need time (i could see how much pain he was in) but do you want me to wait he looked me straight in the eyes and said please wait. Iasked him if he remebered day it was and he said of course I couldn’t forget our anniversary. He come forward and wrapped me in the tightest hug, having to hold me up because I was shaking so bad. I whispered I love you and he said he loved me to. He told me he feels useless, and he described how he’s been feeling. Tears streaming down his face. I gently lift his face and told him he’s intelligent, smart, loving and no useless. He pulled me into another hug. I whisper baby I’m not leaving you, I’m not abandoning you, I’ll wait, that he’s my best friend and husband, all his stuffs still at home. That he has 5 children, a grandchild and a wife who needs and loves him. I pulled away and told him he had no Idea what I’d done to find him and he thanked me for finding him and not giving up. I told him he’d better not take off again cause I’d go back to being the crazy stalker bitch and find him he laughed. He hugged me again I asked him if I should go, not wanting to push him. He nodded. I said one more thing he asked what. I told him I had his ring in the car and could I give it back to him. He smiled through tears and said please. 

I walked past my bf and she looked puzzled I replied I’m getting his ring. I raced to the car and straight back. I walked back to them and she gave him a hug and was reassuring him. I looked at him and handed him his ring. He slipped it straight on. I told him I’d go and to make contact when he’s ready. I asked if he had the same number and he said yes, I replied I knew it your a stubborn prick he smiled and said you are to. We hugged, told each other we loved each other. And I walked away.

Getting into the car me and my bestie burst into tears. She goes hunny he loves you. She’d told him I’d not given up. He told her he wanted to ring and text everyday but didn’t know what to say and he was so sorry. He thanked her for looking after us.

Getting home I was able to tell my mum and kids I’d seen him and he was ok. The relief was instant. And while this doesn’t take away the pain and heartache we’ve been through its given me answers a short 5-10 visit. Its given me a lot of hope that somehow we can begin slowly to navigate this together. I’m so greatful I got to see for myself that he is alive. I see how mentally unwell he is and that breaks me but it also backs what mybgut has been screaming at me for 8 weeks 1 day. We have one hell of a road ahead of us, but one we both want together. I feel blessed to have seen him, hold each other and hear the beautiful words I love you. My husband held me the same way on our wedding day. I’m dealt o the fact this is a baby step. But answers Idesperately sort for weeks. I know I’ll wait for him and walk beside him as he gets his health worked on. We face challenges as individuals, a couple and as a family. But I truly am grateful