Once again

Its nearly midnight and I’m wide awake. I’ve had a great day, hanging out with my kids. I took my son to fast and the furious 8 at the movies earlier. I promised him at Christmas that he’d get to go when it was at the theatre. And by a stroke of luck my pay went in early due to public holidays on Tuesday. So I could take him finally. Felt like much needed mum n son relaxing bonding time and we had a blast. Having spent lots of time with my girl lately, he’d done really well making that happen felt great to have one on one time. I was missing hubby heaps tonight so got the house cleaned up, homemade pumpkin soup for dinner. Then finally got a few hours study done. Finally feel like I’m getting on top of practical things.

I am struggling with a few things. Over thinking. But hey what’s new that’s me right lol. I started with a new councilor last week. And two things struck me since. 

One. I realised that I’m really detached from a few things at the moment. Really matter of fact. Able to talk about some things regarding my hubby without emotion, also mums cancer. I know it can be “normal”. Dealing with some major emotions can just be to hard. I know to heal and move past them I need to process everything. But in same ways my minds protecting me from the fact I very nearly lost my two best friends in such a short space of time. I thought I was dealing with them. But I’m shutting them out. Trying to block and avoid the things I need to deal with the most and it scares me. If I deal with them I have to face it head on and the thought breaks me. If I don’t deal with it all its going to cone back and hurt me later. I can’t even figure out where to begin. I wish I didn’t have to.

Two. The councilor brought up PTSD. Or post traumatic stress disorder. She didn’t diagnose me but strong implied she believes I have it. First reaction was, whatever dumb bitch doesn’t know me and I brushed it off. Second was, have I not got enough labels. Have i not had enough of them to last a life time. Over the years ive had or do have Bpd, depression, reactional depression, anxiety, insomnia, self harm, 2 suicide attempts, ocd, nightmares and night terrors, sleep eating. Some say while not an eating disorder, eating issues. and now PTSD. Third reaction. How can I have that when it didn’t actually happen to me. I didn’t see the event? I’m not getting into details, but I am having struggles with intense fear, I’m super jumpy all the time, anxious with situations I never use to be, and my nightmares are worse, they’re horrific and so vivid. But still didn’t witness it and as I said it didn’t happen to me. So I can’t understand how I could have PTSD because of it and a few other things. I’m not going to blame the situation for the way I’m feeling. I just don’t know again how to process it. Especially when I’m so grateful that even though it happened, it didn’t turn into my worst nightmare, its a work in progress yet still so many positive steps are happening. 

Anyways I’m rambling again. So I’m going to head offline. And do some mindfulness. Unwind and get some sleep. Tomorrows a new day

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1:27am and my heads spinnig

Everything from my husbands mental health and being away from our home, to finding him being in contact. To mums breast cancer and her upcoming surgery to have both breasts removed and likely cemo. To my school loving it but its super intense. To trying to be a good mum to my kids. To the lump mY doc found in my breast and waiting on tests. To trying to juggle everything from the house to finding some time so me n hubby can get together and go on a date to trying to figure out how to tell him about my lump without scarying him and having him either go steps backwards mentally or coming home and wrapping me in cotton wool. Yes there’s positives but there’s so many scary unknowns and waiting for so many answers. 

Please don’t say be patient and have hope that it’ll work out how its meant to. That what dsnt kill ya makes ya stronger. Someone else has it worse or that my struggles don’t mean anything

They’re real they’re big they are my life. I’ve been thrown so many things that I can’t begin to wrap my head around. Having two people I love literary fighting for their lives, my health unknown all the while raising and trying to emotionally support two kids who are struggling. All the while being married but a single mum again struggling to be in fulltime study, work parttime, taking care of all the financial, and all the cooking and cleaning, whilst trying to find time to do therapy, get my marriage on track, taking care n supporting my mama. I’m sleeping but a few hours a night, I have no appetite at all, lost weight, an doctors aren’t supporting my goal to keep mentally week. 

I’m treading water 24/7 trying to keep upbove water. All with responsibilities I can not drop.

I need a break so badly from my mind, to just get a good sleep recharge to be the mum, wife, daughter and student I want to be

I’m so desperate to see my husband

Alots happened this week and I’ll share more tomorrow. But right now I’m so desperate just to see my sailor. To have him hug me, make me forget for just a moment that anything else exists, that no bad things are happening. That things are normal. I just need him. I asked to to catch up tomorrow after my meetings but I’d forgotten he was going away to work. Argh for one moment I want to forget my world is a living hell and feel safe and protected. I’m so grateful he’s trying just wish it was as simple as we could make it happen

The back story of finding my husband

Yesterday being our anniversary I was struggling, unable to focus, I felt triggered, sad, frustrated. I felt this wasn’t going to end and I felt powerless. So I finally rung his friend and boss. I left him a message explaining I loved sailor, but I needed a forwarding address so I could get his stuff to him. My best mate turned up we were discussing again what I could do, i was scared coz earlier I’d found a half empty packet of panadol in sailors truck. He hated taking this even when he was sick. I sent alarm bells. Then his boss rung. Upset I told him sailor had been in hospital I wanted the best for him a and how much I loved him, that I needed to know where he was to drop his stuff off. I explain sailor wouldn’t end the marriage, i asked if he’d been ok at work a few weeks ago and he replied he wasn’t and wasn’t himself. He then gave me sailors address and told me sorry he couldn’t be more help and if I needed anything to call.

With this I rung my mum told her she came straight over to watch the kids. I briefly told my son I’d found him my boy smiled so hard. I cuddled my girl and I got his wedding ring. Me n my bestmate got in my car and headed straight him. I was so nervous believing that the end of my marriage was close.

We arrived at the accommodation he was staying at a lovely lady let us in and showed us to his room. I knocked on the door and there was my husband. The look of shock at seeing us then he melted. I said please just give me a minute she nodded and I followed him out side, my bf waited behind. I stood in front of him and his eyes were down. I asked him to look at me as he looked up he saw my wedding ring and he had tears. He told me he didn’t know what to say. I replied don’t say anything just listen. I told him i know your sick, you need time (i could see how much pain he was in) but do you want me to wait he looked me straight in the eyes and said please wait. Iasked him if he remebered day it was and he said of course I couldn’t forget our anniversary. He come forward and wrapped me in the tightest hug, having to hold me up because I was shaking so bad. I whispered I love you and he said he loved me to. He told me he feels useless, and he described how he’s been feeling. Tears streaming down his face. I gently lift his face and told him he’s intelligent, smart, loving and no useless. He pulled me into another hug. I whisper baby I’m not leaving you, I’m not abandoning you, I’ll wait, that he’s my best friend and husband, all his stuffs still at home. That he has 5 children, a grandchild and a wife who needs and loves him. I pulled away and told him he had no Idea what I’d done to find him and he thanked me for finding him and not giving up. I told him he’d better not take off again cause I’d go back to being the crazy stalker bitch and find him he laughed. He hugged me again I asked him if I should go, not wanting to push him. He nodded. I said one more thing he asked what. I told him I had his ring in the car and could I give it back to him. He smiled through tears and said please. 

I walked past my bf and she looked puzzled I replied I’m getting his ring. I raced to the car and straight back. I walked back to them and she gave him a hug and was reassuring him. I looked at him and handed him his ring. He slipped it straight on. I told him I’d go and to make contact when he’s ready. I asked if he had the same number and he said yes, I replied I knew it your a stubborn prick he smiled and said you are to. We hugged, told each other we loved each other. And I walked away.

Getting into the car me and my bestie burst into tears. She goes hunny he loves you. She’d told him I’d not given up. He told her he wanted to ring and text everyday but didn’t know what to say and he was so sorry. He thanked her for looking after us.

Getting home I was able to tell my mum and kids I’d seen him and he was ok. The relief was instant. And while this doesn’t take away the pain and heartache we’ve been through its given me answers a short 5-10 visit. Its given me a lot of hope that somehow we can begin slowly to navigate this together. I’m so greatful I got to see for myself that he is alive. I see how mentally unwell he is and that breaks me but it also backs what mybgut has been screaming at me for 8 weeks 1 day. We have one hell of a road ahead of us, but one we both want together. I feel blessed to have seen him, hold each other and hear the beautiful words I love you. My husband held me the same way on our wedding day. I’m dealt o the fact this is a baby step. But answers Idesperately sort for weeks. I know I’ll wait for him and walk beside him as he gets his health worked on. We face challenges as individuals, a couple and as a family. But I truly am grateful

When a quote really speaks to you

I found this today and read it to my mum. Its what we’re all wanting for my husband. I just sat here writing him a card for three special occasions happening over the next few days. One for our 2nd anniversary, one for his birthday and one for valentines day. I put it in his truck with a postit note and some little chocolates. Maybe I’m mad, maybe I’m crazy but I hope one day he’ll read them and know I didn’t forget. I’m trying to be real and I know I won’t see him or hear from him tomorrow for our anniversary, but hope has me praying for the miracle that he finally reaches out. My head says I’m an idiot but my heart wants him so much. I’m a fool in love. But one day he has to pick his truck up and maybe then he’ll see them and read them

2017 Day 13

Yesterday I was in a really bad way emotionally so I did the right thing and rung the mental health team. I got stuck with an arsehole who said I should be going to family n gp. I hung up. Ended up calling back and spoke to a guy who actually read my file. He told me he’d have a person from the team ring me each day to check in make sure I’m doing ok until a key worker was assigned to me. 

Well this morning I was shocked when I got the call. The lady was brilliant. Asking how I was coping, we talked about what skills I could use from therapy. She’s suggested at my ok to put me back on a dbt therapy refresher just to go through the skills again to see if there’s something else I can use. I said to her I kbow you can’t give proper details that I want. But can you please just let me know how my hubby is. Its finally dawned on them that a little reassurance is actually beneficial to me n my kids without breaching his privacy. She said she isn’t part of his team but has checked. And the he’s doing ok. I asked if he’s still in treatment. She told me he def is, his team is keeping a close eye on him. I had instant relief. I told her to. She said that they do want to discuss it with me but still aren’t able to. When I responded its ok, I feel abit better just knowing that small snippet of information. 

So I hope they get it know that something so small makes such a huge difference. When my girl asked about her sailor I could tell her they’re taking great care of him. I also followed through with texting him, this time ok knowing I’d not get a response. Just a simple I love you have a great day. So now I need to continue working on trusting that they are looking after my husband. I have to believe and try and step back just a little. Simply because I need to keep well. I alsoreached the decision that its ok to want it to cone home. Its ok to have hope. Its ok to text him. That its ok that even tho I don’t know the outcome will be I can still love and support my husband 

2017 Day 5

I wrote a detailed letter to my Hubby’s doctor and team today. I felt like a nark but choose to take it anyway. I needed the doctors to hear a different side in the hopes it help my sailor. I was given a copy, one faxed straight to the hospital and the orignal sent via internal hospital mail. To cover all bases. Here’s hoping its taken with the intent I meant it and my husband doesn’t hate me for sharing details. But I realised I’d rather him be alive and angry with me then me shutting my mouth and he’s died. I just want him well and safe. 

Bit of an update

Nothing changed in the fact I’ve still not had contact from my husband. But over the past few days I started dropping. I was hitting one obstacle after an other. So yesterday I when to the community mental health team. I had support from 3 different workers. The main one asked me what I wanted to achieve by speaking to his doctor. And I explained I wanted them to hear from my point of view my husbands symptoms and patterns and to know he’s safe. She explained why they can’t give me information but advised me to write a letter with everything I wanted to say to his doctor and bring it back in. That the doctor was obliged to read it and put it on Hubby’s file. Weather they listened or not was not something I couldnt control. She said she believed I’d done everything in my power to reach out and support my hubby. So today that’s my focus to write this letter its harder then I thought it would be. She also remind me of my dbt skills and controlling what I can control. And agreed starting meds may be having a negative effect on me as they had in the past and agreed for me to go natural with folic acid (I’m low in it) and magnesium which helps with sleep (in the past its been helpful). I also download a mindfulness meditation app so I could go back to basics. I also realised one of my old triggers had once again become a trigger. Facebook. I’ve be obsessively checking if he’s online and if he’d change our marriage status which he didn’t. If he was online I was angry n if he wasn’t I was worried. So last night I had my best friend change my Facebook passwords and not give them to me for a week. Already I feel a little calmer. I didn’t want to delete it, or block my hubby so this was my step. Something I can control. I’m also going to try and express myself here. If anything to get what I’m feeling out. Having anger towards the system isn’t helping me. At the moment I am in limbo. But I still have choices and things I can control and I have to get back to realising nothings black n white but grey. That I can’t fix or force my husband to do anything. That I can only be there to support him even if that’s from a distance. I haven’t gone into depression or bpd. So now is my time to take care of me to so I don’t sink into old patterns. As the lady said yesterday this isnt rejection this is a hard situation with my husband mentally unwell. And not to resort to sending messages that with trigger response and that I’d regret like yesterday. So here’s to pulling all the stops to keep well for me my kids and my darling husband. Because I love him so much that I’m going to keep fighting for us and supporting him

Sleep

Helped immensely, I cried so hard last night some of my build up emotions were able to free themselves. While with my post last night its great to be able to heal on another level from my attempts have more knowledge and understanding. The reason for the break through not so positive someone dear to me has been suicidal. I wrote the post for them but rereading it I realised it came of as a healing thing for me. But now after sleep I feel I have the strength to support them better. I can’t save the person only they can. But I can keep being here, listening, supportive, understanding and loving.

When the government has the power to suspend your benefit

And you start your week with no money its difficult to say the least. Rewind. In nz we have a pretty good benefit system. Hubby and I are both under medical certs. We get a small amount of money weekly bit enough to jut live. Normally I’m grateful to receive this.

A few weeks back I had an appointment to try to do our yearly review, the lady booked a second appointment and said hubby had to attend but I was not required to, no forms etc. So he went to the appointment and was sent home with forms for us both to fill out. And yet another appointment. Despite the two meetings we nothing was done they booked us a third for after our benefit would be suspended. 

So here I am sitting here in a anxiety attack because our appointment isn’t to tomorrow and we would have normally been paid and we haven’t. I know something will be sorted but no know how or when is spiralling me down. My husband doesn’t cope with these meetings, panic attacks not able to function even tho he tries. So in a way it gets left to me to deal with. I’m normally grateful but when weve done everything asked and we still hit brick walls. To go against a huge place like welfare it an up hill battle. Is it so wrong to need food, rent, and power? Is it so wrong to want them to accept our medical certs. Since we’ve been married and gone legal we have had nothing but cut backs (lost $180 a week) rent rises, I’m studying to try to get a job after being knocked back by many I’ve applied for because of my lack of experience, or education. We’ve cut costs on everything, actively cut done on smokes. Grow our own veg. Trade our eggs for fruit. I make everything from scratch. Saving on petrol and power. We don’t drink, go out, no movies, no treats for the kids. What more can we do

In 24 hours we’ll know but my god when your anxiety is through the roof 24 hours feels like a life time.