Feeling pulled

This week has been challenging. Between study work, home, hubby, kids, housework I’m feeling torn. Kids are playing up, hubby is grumpy with me n I have know idea why and I’m tired. I thought semester break was this week but it’s not for two weeks. Feel like I’m running on empty trying to fit everything in. So frustrated and emotional

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Goodbye my superman

​so I found out today my poppa (on fathers) died a week ago and his funeral last Friday (only found out because an aunty on my mums side saw it in the paper). No one told me. It went as far as being hidden from my fathers best friend of 30+ years so I wouldn’t be told. Finally discovered the reason was because I didn’t tell them the date I was getting married only after (none else know because we decided to pull it forward n got married in the courthouse two days later, as we saving for a home n didn’t want the huge cost no one included and no one excluded) so gutted i can’t say goodbye. And nor can my two children. I’m shocked they’re so angry all coz I’m happy. Rung the funeral home he wasn’t buried but was cremated. No where for me to go and say goodbye to our superman

Damned if I do damned if I dont

3 days down 2 to go. Time will tell if he returns. I’m scared he won’t come home, yet scared if he does will it be the same as before he left for work. I miss him. But its a relief to have some time to recharge after running on empty. I feel like I’ve betrayed him by talking on here but needed to get it out. Everything feels like a double edged sword

Supporting one with mental health

Its even harder then I ever thought. I’ve been there on going as many know I have borderline personality disorder. My mama bipolar. An aunt whom committed suicide. Friends and family. But I’ve never been in the position of having someone else’s mental health (maybe wrongly diagnosed) affect me so deeply into my core. To love a person whom may be willing to throw our life away when they’re on a extreme low. How to not take it personally when you feel blamed for everything. Yet you know you can’t and don’t want to give up on them. You don’t know how to get them to understand they’re worth it, that you are 100% committed to them. That they do need support of the mental health team, prob meds and therapy. That I’d do it with them. I’ve proves it before sitting out side waiting to with a ciggy, coffee and a hug n listening ear. I feel blindsided. I’m not blind to the issues we face but I in no way thought it could lead to the end. Others trying whom see the lows and manic highs trying to support us both unable to come up with answers. Searching the net trying to find advice. Telling the person I won’t give up. Accepting my faults and apologised. Yet at the same time waiting for the person to leave. Knowing there’s a real chance by the end of the day my darling will have packed his bags and left me. And I’m powerless to stop him.  Ive sort help from our mental health team today I’ll go in for a last ditch attempted to get him to stay. Because together or apart my darling needs the team knowing, he’s a kind, caring loving man. My love, my best friend, the man I married not 3 months ago. I heard a saying don’t marry the man who you can’t life without, marry the one you can but don’t want to. So I married the man I don’t want to live without out. I married the man who shook my life up to the core. Who I thought would never give up on me. I married the man whom I admire, cherish and love so deeply. Marriage is in good times and bad. I just wish mental health new that to. My darling sailor. Whom I crushed on for a long time, who asked me to marry him, who knew my all, who pulled the wedding forward. Who loves me and I him. I’m not religious but I pray he doesn’t leave me today.

1 driving lesson down 7 to go

Firstly thanks to all your support earlier today. The driving instructor was 15 minutes late. But turned into a blessing. Because I went from extremely anxious to nervous. Didn’t realise I thought I’d signed up to one driving lesson and to sit my licence. Instead I get 8 one hour driving lessons, sit my licence and one resit if I need it (plan on passing the first time lol). Even tho I’ve been driving 14 years. I’ve decided to take all 8. After all its free otherwise it would be $500-$1000 worth. I already think I’m a pretty good driver (others agree lol) but to me it never hurts to learn. So I’ve completed the first. I came away feeling more confident (I don’t like driving with others) and lots of good advice. I feel its another big step I always had a fear of driving not sure why. And now I’ve been given the chance to learn and grow and become a better driver with my full licence.

But after the week of being superwomen (master of multi tasking, being super organised with ocd). Facing fears, challenging myself, pushing my mental limits on very little sleep (my brains being like a pin ball machine not stopping) I’ve realise I’ve pushed a little to much. I’m proud but pleased I’ve realised I need to stop. So tomorrow being Saturday. I’m going to put my feet up, relax with my sexy husband and awesome kids. I’m thinking movie and popcorn, perfect time since its raining and cold.

I’ve been trying to figure out my biggest positive for the week but how can I when despite challenges and some difficult times. My weeks been awesome. I’m truly grateful

Education

As many of you will know I’ve started studying again. Despite my excitement I had a moment of doubt. Fear of the unknown, having not studied since high school, new people, finding my way around and the actually work. I’d flipped through a few of the books and felt out of my depth even tho its a low level. In new Zealand we have nzqa where we have a record of learning. Finally rung them and set up my account. Flicking through realised I can do this. How I know is because two out of the three books I’ve already done and can cross credit to this course. So after a chuckle to myself I got sorted. today I’m going to school for the first time since I was 16 knowing I got this. I can and will do it. And to really top it off my 7 year old came out and said mummy please shake my hand I want to congratulate you I’m so proud of you.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Today has been such a big day, emotionally, and mentally. To be honest I’m so drained. But at the same time I’m feeling really proud and pretty pumped.

Started they day by getting my two kids off to school, cleaned the house, washing, dishes, tidied and checked the gardens, tended to the chickens.

I got a phone call from my mum, we store at lot food in her freezer. And for some reason it stopped working. Instead of freaking out I took a few minutes rung back and we went through and lost nothing. A lot to cooking to be done, but as I told her on the bright side we’ll have plently of meals cooked for went we’re tired.

While waiting for my landlord to arrive I set up two months of daily posts for my Facebook business pages. My landlord still hadn’t arrived so I contacted him, explaining it wasn’t good enough, that I’d changed my plans and in future I’d only meet at the office. There’s been a number of times he’s not shown up, randomly turned up without notice and many issues. I finally stood up for myself, was clear, fair, assertive and direct.  When really well here’s hoping I’ve changed how things will go from now.

Anyways rushing off to town, before my meeting I sorted a few jobs I’d been putting off. Onto my meeting to sort my cv. Ive been tying myself up in knots about job hunting. But this lady really did an amazing job with finding my strengths for it. I can’t wait to get it emailed, its boosted my confidence. We also discussed this blog. For the first time I’ve given it to someone. Considering all I’ve shared I’ve realised it’s ok to share it, its something to be proud of. Years of work, heart and love and sharing my journey.

Finally got home. Checked the mail and bam two letters from my course provider. I was to nervous to open them so made a coffee and rolled a ciggy. Opening them I found I’ve been accepted into both courses. I rush into campus and received my first work books and my student Id!!!! I’m so scared and excited. I just have to remember I can do this.

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Then my hubby came home after 5 days away.

Feels good to be so future driven such a change from my past

Im a student again

At 31 I’m finally putting another goal into place. Yesterday I went into our local polytech, two courses in mind. The first a computing course which is free and the second a hospitality cafe services course. Both only level 2 but a start. I left school in 6 form (16years old) @nd went into full time work before becoming a teen mum pregnant at 17. I’ve always wanted to live the student life, but never believed I could do it. So I didn’t. Now facing the need for work ive done it. I have the final paperwork ready to take in in a few hours and I’ll be an enrolled student. And despite fear and being scared I’m so excited. Here’s to a new chapter

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I’m not bloody superwomen cut me some slack

After three weeks of pain, stretches, massages, warm baths, rest, sucking it up etc I finally bit the bullet and went to a physiotherapist yesterday. I’ve pinched the sciatic nerve in my back, which is causing the limp, pain, aching, numbness and pins n needles in my legs and foot.

He did the stretches then applied heat. Made it all worse. Now I feel screwed. People are hassling me to get it fixed. And believe me I want to I don’t want to live in pain. But here’s were people aren’t listening. At $12 a session 3 x a week we can’t afford it. Our income has just dropped by $150 a week. I’ve already stooped all spending. Slashed they grocery bill from $140 down to $80. Hardly using the car. Being careful with power. Don’t have HP’s etc. There’s nothing left to cut. I’m trying to sell online etc put flyers for cleaning jobs. Applying for jobs.

I’m sick to death of being accused of doing nothing to help myself with my back. I’m between a rock and a hard place. And am pissed off people can’t see that I’m being real not avoiding. Fuck sakes I’ve had enough I didn’t want nor cause the injury. I’ve tried to make it better. All the while still taking care of my kids, trying to be a good wife and running the home. I’m not bloody super women