Writing helped

Last night releasing my thoughts calmed me a little. One bonus about being so busy is I’m finally sleeping bit better. I woke today thinking about a conversation with my sailor. He’s one that doesn’t remember his dreams. But one he did. We we’re both in it looking at land. In life we are working so hard towards our future. To buy land, build. Extending Hubby’s gardening business. Me studying, to finally be qualified as a chef. To open my own container cafe. To teach the kids. Things like his dream just push me in the right direction. Despite everything the hardships things are coming together. I look at my husband and know without a doubt I made the right choice to keep fighting for us. I wish it hadn’t happened but the past few month seeing us coming together stronger makes it worth it. I still have questions. But seeing the bonds grow is magic. Its like him n my boy have a stronger bond now then  Before. I have a confidence with our relationship and family unit that I didn’t have before. Its made me strong as a women and in turn as a wife and mother. 

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Argh help please fellow bloggers

Study help please fellow bloggers I’m a visual hands on learner

I’m studying level 4 chef training and loving it. I’m keeping up and doing well but having a few struggles.

Practical classes I’m doing well, I video the classes and from there watch them and write my notes. Its time consuming but working.

When it comes to theory I’m getting a bit worried. I can read the text books and understand everything but when it come to remembering a few days later I get mind blanks. 

We have our first big exam in July with food safety and multi choice culinary. Also will be getting a list off approx 400 culinary terms we have to remember and understand what they are, plus most are in French. Scared coz at school (I’m nearly 33) I flunked all my exams because I panicked and froze. Feeling the pressure because I got top front of house student last year but was only level 2. And I want to prove to myself and everyone that I’m actually good at something

What’s some study tips so I can improve my recall? 

1:27am and my heads spinnig

Everything from my husbands mental health and being away from our home, to finding him being in contact. To mums breast cancer and her upcoming surgery to have both breasts removed and likely cemo. To my school loving it but its super intense. To trying to be a good mum to my kids. To the lump mY doc found in my breast and waiting on tests. To trying to juggle everything from the house to finding some time so me n hubby can get together and go on a date to trying to figure out how to tell him about my lump without scarying him and having him either go steps backwards mentally or coming home and wrapping me in cotton wool. Yes there’s positives but there’s so many scary unknowns and waiting for so many answers. 

Please don’t say be patient and have hope that it’ll work out how its meant to. That what dsnt kill ya makes ya stronger. Someone else has it worse or that my struggles don’t mean anything

They’re real they’re big they are my life. I’ve been thrown so many things that I can’t begin to wrap my head around. Having two people I love literary fighting for their lives, my health unknown all the while raising and trying to emotionally support two kids who are struggling. All the while being married but a single mum again struggling to be in fulltime study, work parttime, taking care of all the financial, and all the cooking and cleaning, whilst trying to find time to do therapy, get my marriage on track, taking care n supporting my mama. I’m sleeping but a few hours a night, I have no appetite at all, lost weight, an doctors aren’t supporting my goal to keep mentally week. 

I’m treading water 24/7 trying to keep upbove water. All with responsibilities I can not drop.

I need a break so badly from my mind, to just get a good sleep recharge to be the mum, wife, daughter and student I want to be

I’m so desperate to see my husband

Alots happened this week and I’ll share more tomorrow. But right now I’m so desperate just to see my sailor. To have him hug me, make me forget for just a moment that anything else exists, that no bad things are happening. That things are normal. I just need him. I asked to to catch up tomorrow after my meetings but I’d forgotten he was going away to work. Argh for one moment I want to forget my world is a living hell and feel safe and protected. I’m so grateful he’s trying just wish it was as simple as we could make it happen

The back story of finding my husband

Yesterday being our anniversary I was struggling, unable to focus, I felt triggered, sad, frustrated. I felt this wasn’t going to end and I felt powerless. So I finally rung his friend and boss. I left him a message explaining I loved sailor, but I needed a forwarding address so I could get his stuff to him. My best mate turned up we were discussing again what I could do, i was scared coz earlier I’d found a half empty packet of panadol in sailors truck. He hated taking this even when he was sick. I sent alarm bells. Then his boss rung. Upset I told him sailor had been in hospital I wanted the best for him a and how much I loved him, that I needed to know where he was to drop his stuff off. I explain sailor wouldn’t end the marriage, i asked if he’d been ok at work a few weeks ago and he replied he wasn’t and wasn’t himself. He then gave me sailors address and told me sorry he couldn’t be more help and if I needed anything to call.

With this I rung my mum told her she came straight over to watch the kids. I briefly told my son I’d found him my boy smiled so hard. I cuddled my girl and I got his wedding ring. Me n my bestmate got in my car and headed straight him. I was so nervous believing that the end of my marriage was close.

We arrived at the accommodation he was staying at a lovely lady let us in and showed us to his room. I knocked on the door and there was my husband. The look of shock at seeing us then he melted. I said please just give me a minute she nodded and I followed him out side, my bf waited behind. I stood in front of him and his eyes were down. I asked him to look at me as he looked up he saw my wedding ring and he had tears. He told me he didn’t know what to say. I replied don’t say anything just listen. I told him i know your sick, you need time (i could see how much pain he was in) but do you want me to wait he looked me straight in the eyes and said please wait. Iasked him if he remebered day it was and he said of course I couldn’t forget our anniversary. He come forward and wrapped me in the tightest hug, having to hold me up because I was shaking so bad. I whispered I love you and he said he loved me to. He told me he feels useless, and he described how he’s been feeling. Tears streaming down his face. I gently lift his face and told him he’s intelligent, smart, loving and no useless. He pulled me into another hug. I whisper baby I’m not leaving you, I’m not abandoning you, I’ll wait, that he’s my best friend and husband, all his stuffs still at home. That he has 5 children, a grandchild and a wife who needs and loves him. I pulled away and told him he had no Idea what I’d done to find him and he thanked me for finding him and not giving up. I told him he’d better not take off again cause I’d go back to being the crazy stalker bitch and find him he laughed. He hugged me again I asked him if I should go, not wanting to push him. He nodded. I said one more thing he asked what. I told him I had his ring in the car and could I give it back to him. He smiled through tears and said please. 

I walked past my bf and she looked puzzled I replied I’m getting his ring. I raced to the car and straight back. I walked back to them and she gave him a hug and was reassuring him. I looked at him and handed him his ring. He slipped it straight on. I told him I’d go and to make contact when he’s ready. I asked if he had the same number and he said yes, I replied I knew it your a stubborn prick he smiled and said you are to. We hugged, told each other we loved each other. And I walked away.

Getting into the car me and my bestie burst into tears. She goes hunny he loves you. She’d told him I’d not given up. He told her he wanted to ring and text everyday but didn’t know what to say and he was so sorry. He thanked her for looking after us.

Getting home I was able to tell my mum and kids I’d seen him and he was ok. The relief was instant. And while this doesn’t take away the pain and heartache we’ve been through its given me answers a short 5-10 visit. Its given me a lot of hope that somehow we can begin slowly to navigate this together. I’m so greatful I got to see for myself that he is alive. I see how mentally unwell he is and that breaks me but it also backs what mybgut has been screaming at me for 8 weeks 1 day. We have one hell of a road ahead of us, but one we both want together. I feel blessed to have seen him, hold each other and hear the beautiful words I love you. My husband held me the same way on our wedding day. I’m dealt o the fact this is a baby step. But answers Idesperately sort for weeks. I know I’ll wait for him and walk beside him as he gets his health worked on. We face challenges as individuals, a couple and as a family. But I truly am grateful

When a quote really speaks to you

I found this today and read it to my mum. Its what we’re all wanting for my husband. I just sat here writing him a card for three special occasions happening over the next few days. One for our 2nd anniversary, one for his birthday and one for valentines day. I put it in his truck with a postit note and some little chocolates. Maybe I’m mad, maybe I’m crazy but I hope one day he’ll read them and know I didn’t forget. I’m trying to be real and I know I won’t see him or hear from him tomorrow for our anniversary, but hope has me praying for the miracle that he finally reaches out. My head says I’m an idiot but my heart wants him so much. I’m a fool in love. But one day he has to pick his truck up and maybe then he’ll see them and read them

The 8 o’clocks are back

I was a single mama for many years 10+ years in fact. I always use to say the hardest part of the day was the 8 o’clocks. When the kids are tucked up in bed, the house is cleaned, washing all done, friends gone quiet cause its family and couple time. When the house is quiet. 8pm is when that loneliest time of the day kicks into full gear.

I’ve been sitting here listening to the waves crashing loudly from the beautiful ocean not minutes from my home, a beautiful orangey yellow full moon staring at me on Friday the 13th. And I’ve realise despite many moons by myself this is the loneliest 8 o’clock I’ve had in my life time. I sat here for 2 years listening to these waves alone. Then I spent nearly 2 years hearing them with the most amazing man. The 8 o’clocks became a cherished time. My husband told me many a nights that this time of day was his favourite, the best part of his day. Why? Because he got to lay next to his beautiful wife and hold me till we fell asleep. That feeling the one of shear bliss. I felt so loved and adored. As I lay in his strong arms, I’d listen to his breathing feeling him relax against me as he fell sleep and I remember feeling safe. That nothing could stop this feeling of that final piece of the puzzle I’d been missing my whole life connect. I can’t explain it. My love for him. Sure I can name many things I love about him. This he did, things he said. But that feeling is indescribable. I wish I could put words to it. Yes I’ve loved before, yes I’ve lost before. But those time I could explain all my feelings. With my beautiful sailor, my wondering man, my best friend I couldnt, I still can’t. Its beyond passion, love, a connect. Its something so perfectly imperfect. Its all encompassing. Its a feeling that overtook me at great speed and continued to grow beyond any expectations. Its not a fairytale, its a story of us. 

A story of two strangers battling their inner, most heartbreaking demons, walking into a room full of people, a look that overcame any sign of sane minds. No words exchanged. Just an intense feeling of knowing beyond any kind of logic or explanation. The moment I knew I’d meet my person. The very moment I’ve come to realise changed my heart forever. 

Now as I look at that moon, and hear the waves I wonder where is he. Is he looking up at the moon, holding a ciggy between is fingers thinking about me. Is he curled up in bed sleeping soundly as his chest gently moves up and down. 

All I can do is look up at this moon and hope. Hope that my darling will find his way back. His way back into his mind. His way back into his place in this world. His way back to his wife. All I can do is put it out to the universe my love for a man lost. A man hurting. A man so powerful beyond what he could have every dreamt. All I can do is dream that our future will be together. That he knows my love for him has no limits, that I am true to him in his absence, that I am faithful and loyal to our love that shattered all things I ever knew. That keeps growing stronger. That no matter the pain I stay true to our vows.

2017 Day 12

6 weeks ago my 7 year old got pissed of with her brother and kicked him in the shin. We punished her and for about 5 days watched it closely. On the Sunday she had extremely high temps so took her to the doctors, I asked him to check her foot to cause she had a slight limp. Turns out she’d broken it (worst mother of the year goe to me for not getting it checked earlier). Doc told me not to stress cause there wasbo swelling or bruising. Anyways positive of the day was taking her to hospital and its all healed. She may have some pain and her limp for a few months but finally some positive news

2017 Day 11

What positives. Today my son has been with drawn, my daughter finally lost it begging me to bring her sailor home. I got to my mums she’s upset cause her friend died. Then she let me know tonight a family friend died, just  months after her husband. They’d both been in my life from when I was a baby.

I had my first appointment with a physiotherapist. She was good but could only recommend I keep up with my dbt skills. She had no idea how to help me.

I also had my first appointment with a organisation which helps support people of those who have a loved one with mental health issues. They were great they heard me but that’s where it stopped. They have said I have done everything in my power to help my husband. I’d visited or called every possible person and organisation there is to call. They agree I’ve been treated badly, that the system is flawed. They are going to try to speak to his key worker but are not expecting a positive outcome. Even though they agree after 3 and a half weeks I need to be told more details. To what Hubby’s plans are so I can either keep holding on or let my husband go. I should’ve been aloud to speak with his doctors, been at his discharge meeting at least to show support. That the support worker shouldn’t have had my husband so close that I saw him on Friday. They said it was cruel. They also said that I should be given warning should my husband cone to get his truck so they I have they option weather the kids and I are home. And so I’m not put through anymore anxiety should he just turn up.

So all in all I feel like I’m a complete failed my husband. That I should’ve pushed harder in the months leading to his breakdown. That I should’ve put things in place. That I should’ve heard him when he desperately need me to. What a fucken fuck up of a wife. I hate the mental health system who should’ve listened months ago and helped him before our marriage feel apart. What a cruel world never ending heart ache. Despite doing everything and more then most people would. I’m sick of hearing have patience’s, hope, faith. What the fucka the point

I’m going to finally say what’s been on my mind and be honest

The night before my husband walked out he slept downstairs. I woke in the morning and asked him why. He yelled “cause I don’t want to be here” I responded well if you don’t want to be here why don’t you leave. He took it as I kicked him out. I didn’t. I didn’t want him to leave. I’ve been thinking since I’ve found out that day he was suicidal that maybe I took it wrong. Maybe he was trying to get me to hear him. 

I can’t help but wonder. Did he have a break down and leave me to protect me. Or he actually leave me and it caused his breakdown. I’m so lost and confused. Right now I’m hurting hes more gone 25 days. With not contact. He told his doctors he didn’t want to see me and he didn’t want me having information. He has ignored every text, call and attempt from me to support him. I feel I justified this because he’s had no contact with others including his friends. But maybe I’ve been wrong all along. I truly feel I failed him as his wife. I missed so many warning signs. When I did try to get him help it made him worse and then finally 25 days ago he had enough. Just had it. Shouldn’t a husband want to reach out to his wife in his time of need. But he hasn’t instead he’s shut me out. Maybe he’s protecting himself from me not the other way around.

 I should’ve left him be back when I first told him I had feelings for him. Why is it that every relationship every friendship I am involved in is no longer there. I’m the only common factor. I don’t blame him for going I guess I’m only shocked it didn’t happen sooner. He deserves so much better and more. 
Now I sit here alone with no one to blame but myself for believing I could have my happily ever after, instead I gave my husband a nightmare and now he’s fighting to keep himself alive and I only make it worse by contacting him and triggering him. I never thought I could be the trigger for someone wanting to die