I feel silly

But sitting here missing my hubby. He headed away for work yesterday for a week and I miss him already. So proud of him though. Working so hard to provide and save for our dirt and tiny house. I love that we have more contact when he’s away. And added bonus I got to see him briefly before he left. I really need to work on my reactions when I hear he’s got work. I do get a bit down for a while even though its a good thing for us. I’m thinking its different because I’m home on holidays. Normally I’m at school and super busy which makes the time go faster. Just love that man

A positive mood to end a good weekend

Sitting here just winding down I’m feeling pretty lucky. I have my first practical kitchen assessment in the morning 3 hours 3 dishes 3 sauces and a work plan. Yesterday I got the ingredients together to practice one of my dishes, loved having my hubby n kids try it. It boosted me up, I made errors but I knew why and how to change them. Spent time with my little family and went on to study completing my work plan.

Then today I woke spent time with my mama and extended family, organising a family picnic next week, headed to school to print out my work. And back home to spend time with my hubby. He surprised me by buying prawns, scallops and squid so I could practice more for my assessment. Add my sweet chilli sauce and made a burnt butter sauce. 

We chatted about my food, and assessment. You know what blows me away. The support I have from not only my kids but my hubby. I’ve realised this weekend I’ve come along way. I know a lot more then I realised. Sailor was asking me so many questions, and turns out I know more French terms then I believed I did. 

To hear my hubby say he believes in me, that I’ve got this. Has gone along way n boosting my confidence up. It still surprises me. Ive spent my life with people telling me I’d amount to nothing, that I’m useless,  and the sad part I believed them. So instead of sitting here anxious I’m instead excited but nervous. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I cant wait to get in the kitchen. My passion and drive has over come the complete utter fear.

Also a big part of study means I’ve felt pulled between life as a student and that of a wife and mum. I’m trying to find the balance so I told my 8 year old she could make banana pancakes. So proud we had mum n daughter time. And my girl felt so proud dishing up her very own pudding. Help he collect the ingredients, make the batter then cook them, was awesome. She even flipped them herself. Before we know it our girl will be able to make them all on her own. Getting home from dropping hubby off my boy told me just how happy he is that were standing time as a family, eating meals together and just chatting, laughing all being g playful.

So as I sit here knowing I have a hubby who loves me, kids who a growing up so well, my school stuff ready for the morning. I’m realise that despite the challenges we as a family face that I’m one lucky women. And I’m more grateful now for what I have then I ever have. 

Whrn you feel like its your fault

But logically know its not. I know that if someone’s intent on attempting suicide that there’s nothing another person can do to stop them. Maybe you can for a day, a week, a month but if that’s what they want they’ll do it. I know I couldn’t have stopped him my god I tried. I’m grateful he was found and cut down and lived. I’m grateful I didn’t lose my best friend my world. Is it not hard enough, the guilt for not stopping him, self blame for not pushing to get him more help, fear it’ll happen again. Is it not enough that I’ve only recently learned of this horrific experience he had. But to learn in the police report that they believed it was because of our marriage even tho he refused to talk about why. And he has told me it was no way my fault. Is it not enough they never told me. Is it not enough that I begged for him to get help. To feel attacked and blamed just fuels the pain and guilt. My heart feels broken tonight as I try and busy myself from the thought of what if, if only. From the thoughts that I nearly lost my precious sailor, I nearly had to bury a man who is so amazing and loved, cherished and needed. This is something I don’t even know how tobegin to process. Thank god he is seeking help and allowing me to support him. I just don’t know how to stop thinking, thoughts swirling, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears threatening to overflow. Thank god my darling is alive

1:27am and my heads spinnig

Everything from my husbands mental health and being away from our home, to finding him being in contact. To mums breast cancer and her upcoming surgery to have both breasts removed and likely cemo. To my school loving it but its super intense. To trying to be a good mum to my kids. To the lump mY doc found in my breast and waiting on tests. To trying to juggle everything from the house to finding some time so me n hubby can get together and go on a date to trying to figure out how to tell him about my lump without scarying him and having him either go steps backwards mentally or coming home and wrapping me in cotton wool. Yes there’s positives but there’s so many scary unknowns and waiting for so many answers. 

Please don’t say be patient and have hope that it’ll work out how its meant to. That what dsnt kill ya makes ya stronger. Someone else has it worse or that my struggles don’t mean anything

They’re real they’re big they are my life. I’ve been thrown so many things that I can’t begin to wrap my head around. Having two people I love literary fighting for their lives, my health unknown all the while raising and trying to emotionally support two kids who are struggling. All the while being married but a single mum again struggling to be in fulltime study, work parttime, taking care of all the financial, and all the cooking and cleaning, whilst trying to find time to do therapy, get my marriage on track, taking care n supporting my mama. I’m sleeping but a few hours a night, I have no appetite at all, lost weight, an doctors aren’t supporting my goal to keep mentally week. 

I’m treading water 24/7 trying to keep upbove water. All with responsibilities I can not drop.

I need a break so badly from my mind, to just get a good sleep recharge to be the mum, wife, daughter and student I want to be

I’m so desperate to see my husband

Alots happened this week and I’ll share more tomorrow. But right now I’m so desperate just to see my sailor. To have him hug me, make me forget for just a moment that anything else exists, that no bad things are happening. That things are normal. I just need him. I asked to to catch up tomorrow after my meetings but I’d forgotten he was going away to work. Argh for one moment I want to forget my world is a living hell and feel safe and protected. I’m so grateful he’s trying just wish it was as simple as we could make it happen

The back story of finding my husband

Yesterday being our anniversary I was struggling, unable to focus, I felt triggered, sad, frustrated. I felt this wasn’t going to end and I felt powerless. So I finally rung his friend and boss. I left him a message explaining I loved sailor, but I needed a forwarding address so I could get his stuff to him. My best mate turned up we were discussing again what I could do, i was scared coz earlier I’d found a half empty packet of panadol in sailors truck. He hated taking this even when he was sick. I sent alarm bells. Then his boss rung. Upset I told him sailor had been in hospital I wanted the best for him a and how much I loved him, that I needed to know where he was to drop his stuff off. I explain sailor wouldn’t end the marriage, i asked if he’d been ok at work a few weeks ago and he replied he wasn’t and wasn’t himself. He then gave me sailors address and told me sorry he couldn’t be more help and if I needed anything to call.

With this I rung my mum told her she came straight over to watch the kids. I briefly told my son I’d found him my boy smiled so hard. I cuddled my girl and I got his wedding ring. Me n my bestmate got in my car and headed straight him. I was so nervous believing that the end of my marriage was close.

We arrived at the accommodation he was staying at a lovely lady let us in and showed us to his room. I knocked on the door and there was my husband. The look of shock at seeing us then he melted. I said please just give me a minute she nodded and I followed him out side, my bf waited behind. I stood in front of him and his eyes were down. I asked him to look at me as he looked up he saw my wedding ring and he had tears. He told me he didn’t know what to say. I replied don’t say anything just listen. I told him i know your sick, you need time (i could see how much pain he was in) but do you want me to wait he looked me straight in the eyes and said please wait. Iasked him if he remebered day it was and he said of course I couldn’t forget our anniversary. He come forward and wrapped me in the tightest hug, having to hold me up because I was shaking so bad. I whispered I love you and he said he loved me to. He told me he feels useless, and he described how he’s been feeling. Tears streaming down his face. I gently lift his face and told him he’s intelligent, smart, loving and no useless. He pulled me into another hug. I whisper baby I’m not leaving you, I’m not abandoning you, I’ll wait, that he’s my best friend and husband, all his stuffs still at home. That he has 5 children, a grandchild and a wife who needs and loves him. I pulled away and told him he had no Idea what I’d done to find him and he thanked me for finding him and not giving up. I told him he’d better not take off again cause I’d go back to being the crazy stalker bitch and find him he laughed. He hugged me again I asked him if I should go, not wanting to push him. He nodded. I said one more thing he asked what. I told him I had his ring in the car and could I give it back to him. He smiled through tears and said please. 

I walked past my bf and she looked puzzled I replied I’m getting his ring. I raced to the car and straight back. I walked back to them and she gave him a hug and was reassuring him. I looked at him and handed him his ring. He slipped it straight on. I told him I’d go and to make contact when he’s ready. I asked if he had the same number and he said yes, I replied I knew it your a stubborn prick he smiled and said you are to. We hugged, told each other we loved each other. And I walked away.

Getting into the car me and my bestie burst into tears. She goes hunny he loves you. She’d told him I’d not given up. He told her he wanted to ring and text everyday but didn’t know what to say and he was so sorry. He thanked her for looking after us.

Getting home I was able to tell my mum and kids I’d seen him and he was ok. The relief was instant. And while this doesn’t take away the pain and heartache we’ve been through its given me answers a short 5-10 visit. Its given me a lot of hope that somehow we can begin slowly to navigate this together. I’m so greatful I got to see for myself that he is alive. I see how mentally unwell he is and that breaks me but it also backs what mybgut has been screaming at me for 8 weeks 1 day. We have one hell of a road ahead of us, but one we both want together. I feel blessed to have seen him, hold each other and hear the beautiful words I love you. My husband held me the same way on our wedding day. I’m dealt o the fact this is a baby step. But answers Idesperately sort for weeks. I know I’ll wait for him and walk beside him as he gets his health worked on. We face challenges as individuals, a couple and as a family. But I truly am grateful

1:42am 12/02/2017

Two years since my sailor asked me if it was appropriate if he hit on me. I giggled and said yes. We joked about it often. Early hours of the morning and I want to sleep. But instead my mind is playing our relationship over and over like an old record that won’t stop. Last night prepared I spend hours cleaning to tire myself old, wrote cards to hubby, I had a long hot shower, I listened to my sleep meditation 3 times and fell asleep for half an hour and I’ve been wide awake since.

4 different dbt therapy techniques. Avoid avoiding. Self soothing, distraction and mindfulness meditation. Fat lot of good that did. I’m wanting and needed the impossible. I shouldn’t be alone I should have my husband here with me. Instead he’s god knows where mentally unwell with no one. I need answers. I’m at a stop light that won’t change. I’m trying everything to move forward and I’m getting road blocks every step of the way. I’m lost, I’m broken, I don’t know what to do. Time is not going to help at this point. Until his belongings are gone I have a constant in my face reminder that triggers me. A lawyer told me I can’t get rid of any off hmit without his permission. I’m trying to convince myself he’s gone forever, then I’m reminded that not matter what I do I’m screwed, I’m still considered married, the day he left because he was having a breakdown they’ve said he legal wasn’t of sane mind to make such a decision. But the let him say no contact. The laws on his side, mental health and the hospital is on his side. The support people I have agree that without even a simple answer they cant see a way for me to move forward. I feel trapped by a system that have be negligent to both my husband and I. There’s no way out there’s no way forward. I’m stuck in A hold and all I want is for him safe and home where he belongs. What the hell have I don’t so bad to suffer such a living hell

When a quote really speaks to you

I found this today and read it to my mum. Its what we’re all wanting for my husband. I just sat here writing him a card for three special occasions happening over the next few days. One for our 2nd anniversary, one for his birthday and one for valentines day. I put it in his truck with a postit note and some little chocolates. Maybe I’m mad, maybe I’m crazy but I hope one day he’ll read them and know I didn’t forget. I’m trying to be real and I know I won’t see him or hear from him tomorrow for our anniversary, but hope has me praying for the miracle that he finally reaches out. My head says I’m an idiot but my heart wants him so much. I’m a fool in love. But one day he has to pick his truck up and maybe then he’ll see them and read them

The 8 o’clocks are back

I was a single mama for many years 10+ years in fact. I always use to say the hardest part of the day was the 8 o’clocks. When the kids are tucked up in bed, the house is cleaned, washing all done, friends gone quiet cause its family and couple time. When the house is quiet. 8pm is when that loneliest time of the day kicks into full gear.

I’ve been sitting here listening to the waves crashing loudly from the beautiful ocean not minutes from my home, a beautiful orangey yellow full moon staring at me on Friday the 13th. And I’ve realise despite many moons by myself this is the loneliest 8 o’clock I’ve had in my life time. I sat here for 2 years listening to these waves alone. Then I spent nearly 2 years hearing them with the most amazing man. The 8 o’clocks became a cherished time. My husband told me many a nights that this time of day was his favourite, the best part of his day. Why? Because he got to lay next to his beautiful wife and hold me till we fell asleep. That feeling the one of shear bliss. I felt so loved and adored. As I lay in his strong arms, I’d listen to his breathing feeling him relax against me as he fell sleep and I remember feeling safe. That nothing could stop this feeling of that final piece of the puzzle I’d been missing my whole life connect. I can’t explain it. My love for him. Sure I can name many things I love about him. This he did, things he said. But that feeling is indescribable. I wish I could put words to it. Yes I’ve loved before, yes I’ve lost before. But those time I could explain all my feelings. With my beautiful sailor, my wondering man, my best friend I couldnt, I still can’t. Its beyond passion, love, a connect. Its something so perfectly imperfect. Its all encompassing. Its a feeling that overtook me at great speed and continued to grow beyond any expectations. Its not a fairytale, its a story of us. 

A story of two strangers battling their inner, most heartbreaking demons, walking into a room full of people, a look that overcame any sign of sane minds. No words exchanged. Just an intense feeling of knowing beyond any kind of logic or explanation. The moment I knew I’d meet my person. The very moment I’ve come to realise changed my heart forever. 

Now as I look at that moon, and hear the waves I wonder where is he. Is he looking up at the moon, holding a ciggy between is fingers thinking about me. Is he curled up in bed sleeping soundly as his chest gently moves up and down. 

All I can do is look up at this moon and hope. Hope that my darling will find his way back. His way back into his mind. His way back into his place in this world. His way back to his wife. All I can do is put it out to the universe my love for a man lost. A man hurting. A man so powerful beyond what he could have every dreamt. All I can do is dream that our future will be together. That he knows my love for him has no limits, that I am true to him in his absence, that I am faithful and loyal to our love that shattered all things I ever knew. That keeps growing stronger. That no matter the pain I stay true to our vows.