Wow just had the biggest reality check

Of how much pain I put people through when I was so mentally unwell.

I rung my mum in tears are the gravity of what I did hit. I’ve never been more genuinely this sorry until know because I just didn’t realise. 

I now understand the complete helpless feeling watching someone in such a black hole, the only thing I can do I be there and listen. To try not to take the words personally. To treasure the person. To strong for them and to remind them they will be ok. 

I’m not religious but I can only pray they can see there is light beyond the fog. That they are stronger then they think. And hope.

Because through my experience I know nothing I can say will make it all better, the person need to see that for themselves.

I can only do what I can do, I have support and back up, both family, friends and services 

I seriously pray for this one thing that this special, witty, intelligent, loving, passionate, talents incredible human being can see how much they are wanted and loved and needed. And the world will never be the same without them

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Damned if I do damned if I dont

3 days down 2 to go. Time will tell if he returns. I’m scared he won’t come home, yet scared if he does will it be the same as before he left for work. I miss him. But its a relief to have some time to recharge after running on empty. I feel like I’ve betrayed him by talking on here but needed to get it out. Everything feels like a double edged sword

Rant alert

Rant alert

I’m pissed off. For her breaking my sons heart to pieces. For my ex for everything. For mine n his best mate for sticking her nose in and lying about me. I’m pissed at the old crowd. For no longer being in contact with my step sons. Pissed at everyone who has left mine and my children’s lives. And not giving me a choice. I’m pissed that life can be so cruel and painful. I’m pissed that I’m pissed off.

Argh my mini rant is over (well tantrum). Time to harden up and carrying on lol

Just over being strong

No nice kelz in this post. I’m over being patience, calm, skillful, grown up. I’m over waiting. I’m over rejection, hurting, pain, such sadness. I want to scream and hell, cry and have your arms around me. I want so much and get nothing. I wanna say pick me. But I don’t. I want for the first time to be put first. I want to be wanted I want to be needed. I wanna scream I nearly died and people still don’t fucken care argh I can’t always be the strong one. I’m sick of being doubted and told what to do. You know something I just want to be accepted for me. Ok over my tantrum have a good night all

Day 69 – Feeling of dread.

Have you ever sat there and out of the blue felt like something bad is going to happen. Your gut and chest physically hurts. And your heart is suddenly fill of overwhelming dread?

At 1:50pm today this feeling over whelmed me. Scared me even. So much so I contacted people close to me to make sure they were ok.

The feelings getting stronger. It feels surreal. So sending positive vibes to the world.

Kelz @ kelzbelzphotography xx

Day 59 – Grieving in silence.

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Day 59 - Grieving in silence.

The tears are just sitting there dearing to escape. To start sliding slowly down my already damp cheeks. Threatening to start and never stop. I’m not a crier, in fact I hate crying myself. I feel like its a weakness, like I’ve failed. Grieving my loss is like someone is sitting on my chest, not letting me breath, the pain is describable. I wish I could end the process. To be on the other side. Not fresh in it. I can’t even think clearly to type.