Goodbye my superman

​so I found out today my poppa (on fathers) died a week ago and his funeral last Friday (only found out because an aunty on my mums side saw it in the paper). No one told me. It went as far as being hidden from my fathers best friend of 30+ years so I wouldn’t be told. Finally discovered the reason was because I didn’t tell them the date I was getting married only after (none else know because we decided to pull it forward n got married in the courthouse two days later, as we saving for a home n didn’t want the huge cost no one included and no one excluded) so gutted i can’t say goodbye. And nor can my two children. I’m shocked they’re so angry all coz I’m happy. Rung the funeral home he wasn’t buried but was cremated. No where for me to go and say goodbye to our superman

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I’m trying

Heading to the doctors in an hour or so, prob be giving medication. After a huge argument with sailor yesterday I managed to get him to mental health. Support for me, him and us. Sadly he’s to skilled with the team but it resulted in me being back under the system. Him not getting help. And the on duty person dismissing all my concerns and taking him at face value, ignoring what was to me a big red flag and giving him the choice to get help or not. Of course he said he doesn’t need it. Basically she said his issues are not mental health they’re are relationship counciling issues. So again I feel like a crazy person and that I’m blamed. Sailor said about councilli g for us. I told him if he sorted it I’d go, otherwise he’s pretty much ignored me. I don’t believe he’ll set it up. I can see it in his eyes that he’s given up, doesn’t think we’ll work. So once again I found myself in the position of loving someone and them not wanting me. I’ve accepted it. I’m distancing myself because I know I’ll be alone again. For me its not a matter of if but when he goes. I was a fool to think we had a break through. I don’t understand why he married me. To me our marriage our vows, our hopes and dreams mean the world to me. I’m faithful, loyal, I cook, clean, do all the washing, I’m learning to save, I support him the best I know how with going away to work, his children, his business ideas, his weird n wacky ideas, his hopes and dreams. I value him and appreciate him, I love him. Now its looking at the one thing I never wanted  in my life will happen and I’m powerless to change it. I never wanted divorce, but I’d be even more foolish n stupid to think it’ll lead to anything else. I reached out to the one place who should be there to support us with our history and they let us down. I’ve run out of options. While we’ve been together I’ve put a lot of work into myself to be the best me possible, for me, him, the children, our marriage and my best isn’t good enough. To switch so quickly for him I don’t understand. I understand his diagnoses because i have the same. I wish he’d have sort help yesterday for him above anything. Because I know he’s a good man, but when he’s sick he regresses back and can’t see any positives for anything. But I still can’t end it because its goes against what I want, believe and our vows. I know marriage is always a work in progress, its hard, its amazing, its everything

That feeling

When you are blindsided and know it’s the beginning of the end of the life you love. Watching the hands of the clock slowly ticking as you are waiting to hear the news you never thought would come. We you believe in someone so much and they can’t see it. When you work so hard for a better life but fail anyway. Shattered I’m just shattered

Desperate for my mind to give me a break

11:20pm and while I should be asleep I’m instead over thinking tying myself in knots. Trying to work out how to help someone who does see they need it or want it. Trying to be support only to have it all thrown in my face. Weeks of hard work not acknowledged instead blamed for things I have no control over. Sometimes I hate mental health. Mine and others. When you can’t force someone to seek the help you know they desperately need. To feel powerless and to be honest useless in many ways. I’d been managing to keep my head high. But today I’ve dropped the ball maybe I need to go back to mental health. Seek more therapy. Medication. I’m running on empty. Feeling like a complete failure. Now my sleeps effected to I know I’m likely to fall back into depression. But for right now I need to vent. Fuck money, study, job hunting, getting the silent treatment, bending over backwoods for those who take it for granted. Fuck it all

Rip our little chicken

Woke this morning our chickens were behaving out of character. Louder then normal. Went out to feed them, seen they’d knocked over part of their chooks pen. Then stood on a nail, went in pretty deep n hurt like heck. So decided to deal with them later.

When my hubby got up told him they were unsettled, and wondered if it was the earthquakes early hours of this morning. Well turns out one off our girls got squashed and died.

Now I know they’re chickens, we brought them for the eggs laying etc. But stupidly we all got attached to the cheeky buggers, didn’t know chickens would be such characters.

This is why I never had pets as an adult and didn’t want them. Sucks just hope it was quick

Birthdays

Birthdays. Love them or hate them the come and go. Another year older and hopefully wiser. My 30th birthday is tomorrow and whilst age isn’t an issue with me, in fact I’m content with getting older. I still get the familiar feelings of excitement followed my disappointment. In my near 30 years I’ve only had two birthdays I remember enjoying.

My 25th, I let loose had people over went partying. Got girly with hair and make up and a stunning outfit (this is a rare thing for me) and despite the disasters of the night, I still loved it.

Next was my 26th the love of my life suprised me by booking a motel, taking me to dinner an really spoiling me with time and love.

My babies always make it better without them I wouldn’t celebrate.

Now I’m sitting here on the eve of my birthday just plain sad. It’s the first one since my relationship ended. And I really miss him. I miss my step sons who I won’t get to see. Not precious cards or cuddles from my babies. No kiss good morning from my man.

The past 18 months has seen me lose so many people. I have one friend and her hubby who will turn up, my mum and my 2 children. I’ve recently managed to stuff up everything with my best male friend. I want him here. I wish I was surrounded by people.

I feel so alone and lost.

However time to plaster the smile upon my sad face so my children don’t see my pain.

Just over being strong

No nice kelz in this post. I’m over being patience, calm, skillful, grown up. I’m over waiting. I’m over rejection, hurting, pain, such sadness. I want to scream and hell, cry and have your arms around me. I want so much and get nothing. I wanna say pick me. But I don’t. I want for the first time to be put first. I want to be wanted I want to be needed. I wanna scream I nearly died and people still don’t fucken care argh I can’t always be the strong one. I’m sick of being doubted and told what to do. You know something I just want to be accepted for me. Ok over my tantrum have a good night all

Frustrating how just one

Message can cause such sadness and disappointment. When you finally get the courage to talk to someone about pretty big issues and it can’t happen 😦