Falling apart at great speed. I know its a bump in the road. Logically I know it won’t last, things will pick back up, I know life’s not all bad. Just having an overwhelming day of feeling guilt and helplessness. My babies birthday is next week and I feel I’m letting him down. Home life is tense. My sailors away for work. My kids are picking up my emotions and everyone’s on eggshells. Course starts back next week and I’m scared I’ll fail, even though I’ve passed to this point. Financially we’re screwed at no fault of our own our incomings are not covering the bare basics. I’m stressed and frustrated. And annoyed how quickly things can go from amazing to shit in 2.5 seconds. I need a break which won’t happen. I need rest. I need me time. I need family time. I need to stop tiring myself up in knots. And my phone needs to stop with auto correct. argh life
Saw a beautiful women I know yesterday. I hadn’t seen her for about three months. We sit having a coffee and catching up. Plenty of conversation. Kids, Christmas, New Years, life. Then the bomb was dropped. She had been to doctors. Alarm bells rung for me immediately, as she never goes. My beautiful just turned 30 year old friend told me the docs think the lumps are cancer. She’s had cancer before in another part of her body but they manged to get it all an she’s been clear for years. Two weeks she tells me and I’ll know for sure. I wanted to wrap her in cotton wool and protect her from the world like she’s done me. Even though she’s scared and hopeful it’s not the big C. She positive and real. If she has it she will fight it. We got talking about the docs plans. And we agreed whilst good old boobs can make a women feel feminine. We would both rather have no boobs, no cancer then boobs and cancer. I’m so proud of her. Once again she is being shocked to the core. But is hopeful, so strong, and braver then anyone else I know. So while waiting on tender hooks I’m going to look as the glass half fill. She’s amazing.
Have you ever sat there and out of the blue felt like something bad is going to happen. Your gut and chest physically hurts. And your heart is suddenly fill of overwhelming dread?
At 1:50pm today this feeling over whelmed me. Scared me even. So much so I contacted people close to me to make sure they were ok.
The feelings getting stronger. It feels surreal. So sending positive vibes to the world.
Kelz @ kelzbelzphotography xx