Whrn you feel like its your fault

But logically know its not. I know that if someone’s intent on attempting suicide that there’s nothing another person can do to stop them. Maybe you can for a day, a week, a month but if that’s what they want they’ll do it. I know I couldn’t have stopped him my god I tried. I’m grateful he was found and cut down and lived. I’m grateful I didn’t lose my best friend my world. Is it not hard enough, the guilt for not stopping him, self blame for not pushing to get him more help, fear it’ll happen again. Is it not enough that I’ve only recently learned of this horrific experience he had. But to learn in the police report that they believed it was because of our marriage even tho he refused to talk about why. And he has told me it was no way my fault. Is it not enough they never told me. Is it not enough that I begged for him to get help. To feel attacked and blamed just fuels the pain and guilt. My heart feels broken tonight as I try and busy myself from the thought of what if, if only. From the thoughts that I nearly lost my precious sailor, I nearly had to bury a man who is so amazing and loved, cherished and needed. This is something I don’t even know how tobegin to process. Thank god he is seeking help and allowing me to support him. I just don’t know how to stop thinking, thoughts swirling, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears threatening to overflow. Thank god my darling is alive

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Triggered my past

I was watching a local TV drama last night. It felt very familiar in a strange way. Watching a depressed young character. It was like he was saying goodbye then seemed happy. I knew what was coming up. But went into denial. After all its just a TV show. Just actors.

Then the scene happened finding him after a suicide attempt. The acting was brilliant. Very real the actors whom played the family. Looked like they were going through it in real life.

Then it hit me. Like a tone of fucken bricks. (Sorry for swearing but I’m trying to be real). It dawned on me what my mother must have gone through finding me after both my suicide attempts. Heart wrenching.

I picked up the phone in tears telling her how a show had triggered such emotions. I blurted out mummy I’m so sorry for what I did. She was a rock. Calming me so quickly. Talking it through. Agreeing that it needs to be in the face of of the public to trigger raw emotions in the community to take firm action.

Please if you need to reach out to someone to anyone. I’m living proof that you can survive and lead a happy. Yes I said a happy life. My heart goes to everyone touched by suicide. Please remember even in that deepest darkest hole of despair. You are worth it. You yes YOU deserve to be alive on this earth. If your going through it right now do one thing for me. Imagine that you’ve dug you way out of this hole through hard work and share determination. Think just for a second, you can be happy again.

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