When you don’t click

With your new therapist :/ I’ve been twice. I’ll go next week, but unless there’s a vast difference I’ll have to change people. Story of my life. Try to keep well and it doesn’t work. My family therapist and I discussed given it a real go, open, honest, real. To not judge, be open to a new way of a new person. I went in positive but left dispointed. 

Maybe I’m in the wrong, I knew I don’t trust, especially with the past six months of being let down from mental health n doctors. 

Talking to Nicki (the family therapist) I spoke to her about a few concerns from last week and I’ll debrief again tomorrow. But last week I struggled with the lack of Josie’s (new therapists) lack of eye contact. She constantly looked away when she spoke or I was talking. I also left there feeling detached. She like my hubby said that can be normal to be matter of fact with first sessions. Nicki asked me to be a little more open with my struggles to give her the chance to help. Because I have a way of appearing in control and well that I may need to let my walls down. Also talk to her about the eye contact.

So I get there. Head in. She asked about my week. Told her the good ie my mums cancer free. Also the struggles I feel while my Hubby’s at work, my boys eye sight, my girls broken arm, not being able to relax or unwind. She’s replied sounds like a good positive week then. I got my back up, please tell me how my son may have major issues with his eye sight is positive, my baby could fucken go blind. And while trying to express how I feel about mums health, she kept bringing it back to her friend who had cancer????

Anyways I pushed forward keeping calm. And thought right I’m gonna push this women she what she’s made off. So I starting talking about my experiences when I was in contact with my hubby. And she started talking again about her sons struggles with mental health. I observe people a lot so I was watching her closely. She won’t give me eye contact, she looked every where but no eye contact. I found her checking her watch and the clock on the wall to the point I felt uncomfortable. And constant fidgeting with her hands. 

One thing that really got to me was her wording with a few things. I was taking about my experiences having attempted suicide and the past few months with hubby. And her words shocked me. She said it was “hard case”. As in funny haha hard case. 

I stayed for the session but left feeling confused. Especially since she ended the session with just stay positive. No actual advice or guidance to anything I’m going through. And how is any thing I’m going through ” hard fucken case”

Hell am I just being difficult. Or have I been lumped with another idiot? Am I wrong not to give a flying fuck about her son or friends. I don’t need nor want to spend more time talking about them then the reason I’m there. Am I wrong to believe a therapist should be encouraging me to work through my issues. To face things. To offer advice to ideas I can put in place to work through it all. This is why I wanted a phycologist or however you spell it. Not some councilor who doesn’t know there arse from there elbow. I wanted and need someone who’s trained in mental health, who have an understanding of bpd, breakdowns, being hospitalised, suicide, self harm. Maybe someone who may know a little about dbt. 

I just feel I’ve opened up to yet another person who’s clueless yet isn’t professional even to admit if a case is to difficult. Or they don’t have the training require to treat someone with my experiences. 

I feel let down by the system yet again. I just want to be able to truly open up and get some guidance. After all I’m only trying to work on me, my future, and be the best mum and wife I can be, to support my hubby in the right ways to be by his side as he finds his way through this maze. To be strong for my kids. To vent so I can let my fears for my son out safely not scare him. 

And what cracks me up its my first night off by myself. and I feel so lost with out my kids and sailor here. 


Mum and old therapist

Mum – kelzbelz is dating someone

Old therapist – is she living back in her past or has she moved to here future

Mum – he could be considered the past

Old therapist – looks down with saddeness

Mum – but …… Its a good thing its “sailor”. “Marks” gone.

Old therapist – smiles awesome. She’s taken on the future and let go of the past.

Me – having her ( Old therapist) blessing for us means the world to me. Someone whom knows me so deeply, whom understands me. Knows what I’m at by the look in my eyes and the expression upon my face.

Outcome i miss my Old therapist but proud I’m out in the big world on my own

In the fight

After speaking to my ex therapist yesterday she thinks I’m in the fight part of fight and flight. Blaming myself for things I’ve not done wrong. Judging how I feel etc. She’s right again. She also believes I just need abit of a top up to gain some of the confidence I’ve loss. As I have awareness, using my skills, trying to accept what I can’t change. I do agree with her. One thing that stands out on here is I talk a lot of him. While yes he’s caused me pain and confusion. But he isn’t actually the cause or trigger to my well this. I’ve had a lot I’ve not written about that triggered things. Also I can now clearly see I have pushed him away as he’s done to me. Hopefully I’ll get word today on the plan for me being signed back into the system and I can forge ahead. Also want to thank you all

One thing i did at dbt therapy

One thing i did at dbt therapy was diary cards. Seven days a week marking down skills I’d used. 1-10 on the different emotions, urges etc. Man I despised them. I tried to get out of it. Made excuses why I didn’t complete it. Then I started doing it. I realised they were a powerful tool in healing. Mostly because I needed to learn happiness and joy. It made me see progress. I’d also write notes as a reminder to why I felt that way.

Lately with feeling low again I’ve thought of them. I’ve decided to ring my old therapist tomorrow and ask if she can send me a months worth. And if after a month I don’t see a huge improvement I’ll request to be put back on the mental health system.

Im giving myself a month. Because I know I need to re prove to myself I can do this. I don’t need to have a therapist fix it. I think having a running record will give me the confidence to continue and not allow myself to get that sick again.

Time to be proactive (and I’ll be honest I do love the “in your face” feeling I get when I prove my doubters wrong.

Thank you so much for your ideas a few days ago

I asked for ideas a few days ago for a gift for my therapist and support worker. As a thank you for all they have done. There was debate over what was right and protocols on accepting gifts.

I settled on a photo in a frame each (one for new beginnings and the other because I was so black and white in my thinking, and she taught me to see colour). A teacher magnet for one, the skills she has taught me are the most valuable tools, and makes her a mighty fine teacher). The angel key-ring for the other, my angel who encouraged my passion for creativity and photography). Plus a card each with some words close to my heart.

I'[m a little nervous about giving them. But I’m going to tell them I got them a thank you gift. but that if they feel uncomfortable or wrong in accepting them, that it’s ok. I just want them to know that they are amazing.

I’ll keep you all posted on how it goes. and thanks so much for all your wonderful ideas 🙂


I need your ideas please – URGENT :)

As per the title I really need some help and ideas. In a few days I meet with my support worker and therapist for a celebration coffee and catch up since I’m signed off mental health. They have been by my side in different roles for close to two years.

I want to get them both a small but thoughtful gift as a thank you for going above and beyond. Given their role in my life I know I have to be careful as I can only assume gifts maybe considered a no-no. But I’m doing it anyway lol. They both deserve been regonised. After all they helped save my life.

But that’s were your help comes in. I’m going to get a card printed with one of my photos and either a poem or something of that nature. But I’m unsure of the actual gift. I don’t want to just do chocolates or flowers etc. I need it to be something with meaning. Oh n I should mention I have a budget of $10 each.

So please darling wise followers please help out with ideas x

So happy and well

Damn right proud of myself. My therapist came today. We sat down with a coffee and had a run down of the past few months. How I coped, where I could improve etc.
She asked me to rate life over all. 0 being horrible and 10 being perfect. I told her I average between 4-5 and 7. She looked at me so proudly and said I remember when I meet you it was -1 and if I was at a 4 it was amazing.

She asked me how I wanted to proceed. I got a little tounge tied not sure quite how to respond. She goes well your heads sorted, your tool box of skills is full. Your finances are coming along. Your exploring how diet and exercise and women’s stuff effects your moods. You coped while I was away. And did extremely well.

She paused, looking at me and goes how bout I’ll see you in a months to sign you out of the system. I’ll book a few hours to spend with you. So I can take you to lunch to celebrate.

I nearly cried. Because I’ve done it. All my hard work (will be ongoing) has worked. I’m officially not going to be a nutter anymore lol

Time to close this chapter of self harm, attempts on my life, being homeless without my children, mental institutions, therapy , groups, doctors, nurses and shame behind me.

I’m stronger then I’ve ever been. And I have to say I’m so happy I explored and found the real me, hiding deep inside. Because I actually like me. I’m fun, creative, strong. I have obtainable hopes and dreams.

I’m happy to have discovered the true me.

Argh nerves are setting in

Argh nerves are setting in. I see my wonderful therapist at lunchtime after 7 ish weeks without her. I’m nervous because I know I’m on the final wind down of therapy. By the end of September I’ll really be on my own. Its exciting because I’ve done it. Put the countless hours, days, weeks and months into myself. I’m a little be fearful to be honest. But I know that’s normal. If I’m really honest I’m going to miss her. I know she has done all she can for me. But confiding in someone for nearly two years and them being gone, is kind of like losing a friend. She deserves a medal. Yip she’s doing her job. Yip she gets paid for it. But from when I first meet her she helped me gain confidence to find me. Her kindness and praise. Her growling me and challenging me. Her never ending patients has 100% changed my life. She made me look in the mirror and see what she could see in me. Wow she’s just amazing.

I should

Really sorry for my ranting crazy post yesterday. I guess I just needed to argh at the world. I’d tried to use my dbt skills and couldn’t concentrate, so in came the poor me. I’m feeling very in limbo with all aspects of my life. For a day or two ill feel on top of the world then for a week or more I sink. Not into depression yet but it’s a slippery slope. I’m feeling so many emotions. I am feeling so much shame and guilt. What would be described as perceived rejection, abandonment and loss. It’s like I’m waiting for the ball to drop. That major slap in the face. Why can’t I just be free from mental health issues. I detest poor me people yet that’s what I feel I’m becoming. I’m told I’m having “normal” reactions to major issues. But instead I feel hopeless. I “should” be able to cope better after a year of intense therapy. I “should” be a better mum, friend, partner. I feel weak as a-posed to strong. I don’t know if I’ve tried to hard and when miracles didn’t happen I lost my drive . But now I will stop rambling like a crazed women and give you lovely people a break. onwards and upwards right? New day and all that??